An open letter to my inspirations

I had a really good day yesterday and felt really strong and inspired. I really wanted to speak to some of the people who have been my most important inspirations but unfortunately I’m not in contact with all of them.

To my first inspiration I want to say you mean the world to me and I think about you every day. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss the sound of your voice calling my name and the way you looked at me as if I was the most amazing thing you had ever seen. I wear your photo in a locket round my neck every day and the scar of your passing in my heart. Miss you little Brother and thank you for showing me what real love feels like. You are my soul mate, I miss you everyday.

To my second inspiration I want to say thank you. You told me to do what made me happy and if that was writing then go for it. You told me to go to Nashville with a bunch of (almost) strangers because the worst thing that could happen was me being unhappy and if that happened all I needed to do was get a cab to the airport to fly home. You made me feel special in a way that made me think we had a future together, but you always wanted me to say the words even though you knew how I felt. If you wanted to end your relationship for me then I was there but I wasn’t going to be your reason to leave. I liked her and she deserved better. But thank you for giving me courage, I needed it. Thank you for all our talks and all the times you made me laugh. You were a good friend, but it’s right that we aren’t friends anymore. You should have married her by now and be happy with your kids. You’ll still be a credit in my book if it ever gets published as I promised, my secret crush.

Thank you to my Sweetheart, (who is no longer my Sweetheart, and maybe never will be) to me that is what you will always be. Things have become such a mess between us but I really hope one day we can explore the connection that is obviously there between us. I want to thank you for waking me up and making me see that life was slipping by without me. You’ll never know how much you made me grow as a person. Without you I wouldn’t have considered leaving my job and starting a Legal Course to better myself, your confidence is contagious. I want to thank you for being so amazing, you could have walked away a thousand times but we still have contact on an almost daily basis.  You still make me smile, even though I fear I will never make you smile again.  You don’t meet many people in life that make you feel the way you make me feel, that is why I find it so hard to let go and probably inadvertently pushed you away. It was never my intention. I wanted to take things slowly, to be friends and hang out and see where things went from there. I’m not ready for an all-consuming relationship either, my life is busy too but I will always find time for you if you need me.  You are one of the most interesting people I have ever met, you are clever, funny and although I didn’t see it at first as I got to know you I realised how sexy you are. You have lovely eyes, a cute crinkle in your nose and lips I could kiss all day long. I wish you nothing but happiness, even if that is never with me, I just ask we stay friends cause when you came into my life you brought sunshine and I don’t want to go back to being in the dark.

Lastly to my Grandad I want to say thank you for always calling me “your girl”. No matter how bad things have got for me you never judge me, you never tell me what I should be doing, you just love me. Thank you for making me an amazing dolls house when I was 3, I will never forget it. Thank you for saying you would take me to football training every week when I wanted to be a footballer. Thank you for taking me to see all the big houses when I was small so I could pick out where I wanted to live “when you won the pools.” Although I think you created a monster as I’d still love to live in one of those big houses! Thank you for making me “Apprentice in Charge of the Tape Measure”, I still remember going to work with you, I’m so proud I got to do that.  Thank you for taking me to Chelsea, I fell in love with Stamford Bridge when I was 10 years old and I’m glad I can still take you to matches now.  I always wanted to find someone to marry so you could walk me down the aisle, I wanted to be able to give you great-grandchildren and I’m so sorry I haven’t done it. I know how much you would love that. We’re not done yet and I promise I’m trying to fix it, please wait for me. I know one day you will leave me and I can’t bear the thought even for a second of my life without you, I promise I will make you proud of me everyday. I’ll always be “your girl”, your “Charlie Harry”. I can never repay you for all the times you were there for me. Thank you for telling me what happened on Gary’s last night, I don’t think Mum and Dad would ever have told me that. Thank you for everything.

In life we meet lots of different people. I have been blessed to meet some amazing people, I’ve had some amazing experiences thanks to those people. I have been inspired by so many people in different ways but some deserved a special mention, that’s not to say I don’t still love the rest of you, cause I do!

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