Today is one of those golden days I rarely get to experience. A day where no-one wants or needs me to be or do anything and I have an empty house.
I’ve been looking forward to it and so has my novel. I mean I did promise I would spend the day with it after all.
Now the day is here and my mind has other ideas. My mind wants to be nostalgic and bring up the past. It wants me to analyse and improve.
The reason for the day off is the company I work for is moving offices today. After 10 years I decided that the change in office was probably a good time for a change in career and so I handed in my notice. But last night packing everything away and walking away from there for the last time I couldn’t help but feel sad.
We had some good times in that office. I worked with some strange people, some scary people but mostly they were a good bunch who I had a laugh with and of course there was the secret crush!
I’ve spent the last two weeks job hunting so today I have given myself the day off from it. There are only so many adverts you can read before you realise no job sounds great when you break it down into tasks.
The job hunt isn’t the only thing playing on my mind, I realise the following ramble won’t make any sense to anyone other than me but I’m thought clearing.
Will I ever be forgiven for my past mistakes and allowed to earn back the trust I stupidly gave away? Wasn’t it supposed to be a fresh start?
Why is it so wrong for me to have feelings? After everything that’s happened wouldn’t it be stranger if I didn’t? Why did we bother at all if there wasn’t something there?
Will I ever find a job that makes me happy?
Will I ever be able to afford a place of my own?
Will I ever get up the courage to attend the Writers Group I was invited to join in October last year?
Will I ever finish my novel and send it out into the world?!
Why can’t I stop over thinking things and just live and experience what I have at face value? Why do I need to understand everything?
My friends favourite thing to say to me is “you’re over thinking, stop!” I’m glad she lives so far away cause I would get a slap every time she catches me over thinking. But she loves me really even if I do drive her crazy sometimes. Hey, I drive myself crazy too.
Last night I dreamt I was walking down a road and I was approaching a bend in the road, but just before the bend there was a left turn and a right turn. My legs were heavy as though I’d been walking down this road for a long time and I was just about ready to give up.
I turned to the right looking for a place to rest but all I could see was a short road ending in a brick wall. I guess that’s for banging my head on!
I turned to the left and all I could hear were voices and laughter, it was light and there didn’t appear to be an end in the road. But I couldn’t walk down it. I couldn’t see the people and at one point I thought I heard a baby crying but it was probably just the cat moaning to be let out, who knows.
I guess that’s the future I so long to see, the one i’m too impatient to wait for. I want to be living my happiness now and not forever waiting for it to begin.
So that brings me to the bend. At the start of the bend was a bench. I could finally get my rest. But I will have to choose a road one day.
If I take the bend I go round the circle again and come back to the same road junction again. What happens if next time the voices and laughter have changed and I lost that chance?
I think that might have cleared the road block in my mind. I feel energised now. The sun in shining and its a new day.
Time to do the thing i’m good at daydreaming and finding mistakes.
Incidentally, this week my proofreading skills have been in over drive. I joined a recruitment agency and found a spelling mistake on the enrollment form, although the girl didn’t look too impressed at me pointing it out. “Sorry”, I said “it’s a bad habit, my eye often gets drawn to a mistake on a page, I can’t help it.” The way she looked at me! Well you did ask me about my skills, I think it proves my ability!
I came home and read a chapter of a published novel whilst eating lunch, I found a spelling mistake in that. Then I went to work and read a letter from a Client referencing the contract for a building on their site, they had spelt the building name wrong. Three glaring mistakes in one day, I couldn’t help but laugh.
Time to dust off the folder containing my novel and give it the attention it deserves. Oh and the current title of the novel … Second Chances.
Quote for the day: “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”
It’s from the Bible, but I chose it as the first quote that came up in my search for “she who is forgiven”.