Endings

Today I’m feeling a lost. Like a child who threw away all the toys in the toy box as I’ve grown out of them. Now the toy box is empty and full of promise and its staring at me but I have no good toys to play with, only a heavy heart.

I can’t quite explain why my heart feels so heavy and full of sadness. I made the choice to quit my job as it was the last part of my life that needed to change. It became the part that was holding me back and it had to stop. It was impacting on the other areas of my life I was working hard to fix.

After 10 years I thought I would feel sad about leaving my job and the people behind but I don’t. I feel like in the end I was pushed into making the decision by outside sources and in doing so a better outcome will present itself. This week has been hard, slowly being cut out of office life, watching everyone around me move on whilst I’m still there, head down working.

I work with some lovely people and we had a good laugh but I doubt any of them will stay in touch. I couldn’t even bring myself to organise a leaving party. I don’t like goodbyes and fuss so I’d rather just bow out and leave them to it. I was also mindful that no-one would turn up and I’ve had enough rejection.

‘All goods things must come to an end’ people say. Why? The good things in my life are the ones I hope never end. The bad parts of my life are the ones I made the effort to cut out and change.

All this uncertainty is stirring the darkness inside me again. All the guilt, hurt, anger and frustration over the things I can’t change bubbling away under the surface. The impatience of the unknown clipping at my heels. A fear that what I started full of hope may now have ended without ever really getting going.

The darkness will always be there but I’ve been able to control it. The voices that keep going over the things that hurt me and fill me with guilt and shame are slowly being quieted with new thoughts, positive thoughts.

I told my friend I wish I could see into the future because I’m afraid and I want to know how the story ends. Just a couple of months, I don’t want to see my whole future. The whole point of the future is that it is unwritten after all, no-one can tell you now who will be there for you in the future or what direction your future will take.

I just need to know I’m going to be happy and that the people I care about are going to be there for me. After everything that’s happened lately, that is a lot to ask of them.

I have to trust that the people I want to spend time with know how I feel about them and know that I’m here if they need me. If that’s not today, that’s ok, my friendship and love doesn’t have a time limit. I can’t control how other people think of me, just because I care about them they don’t have to feel the same way, and that doesn’t mean that I have to stop caring, it just means I have to learn to handle the disappointment.

It’s the ultimate exercise in patience, but lately I haven’t been very good at that. I decided I’d grown tired of my life and made steps to change it completely. Progress on such a large-scale is slow. You can’t make such important changes over night.

Changing is physically and mentally hard and it’s taken its toll on me. I’ve examined parts of my life I thought I’d dealt with and learned new lessons. I’ve grown as a person and learned a lot about myself, helped in no small part by a few lovely friends who I would truly be lost without. I’ve come out the other side a happier person, still scared of what’s to come and the things I can’t change but confident enough to keep moving forward and not slow down or stop. I still haven’t worked out what I want from my future but I now have a clearer ideas of the things I don’t want.

So today I walk away head held high and tomorrow I begin my new life of uncertainty and happiness. Oh and there might be a cream cake for later as I think I might need a hug at the end of today.

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