The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

My friend once said to me whilst I was in a particularly low moment of ‘what is wrong with me, why doesn’t he like me’ the heart wants what the heart wants and we can’t always control it.  She was right.

I never expected a year ago to be the person I am now. I never expected to experience something so wonderful. I never expected to get to know someone and learn things about them that made me feel the way I did. I never expected any of it, but I let it all happen and I only regret the things that caused pain.

Things changed because of a photo. A friend I had been talking to for a long time, who I’d started to develop a curiosity for ended up becoming more because I posted a photo of myself.

In truth the silly message that went with it wasn’t the reason I posted it. I posted the photo because up until that point my friend had no idea what I looked like and I was ready to share myself. At that point I had no idea of the events that would follow and when things did happen I was taken by surprise and wasn’t prepared for it.

Now I’m stuck in no mans land. The connection we once had feels like its leaving. I’m scared that I’ll never have that friendship again because I couldn’t control what my heart wanted and my mistakes will never been forgiven.  In truth if I had never been curious in the beginning then none of it would have happened and I wouldn’t be the person I am now.

It’s hard to go from talking to someone all the time to barely talking at all. When the little things you find out about someone mean the most and you can’t wait to see what else they will share with you.

I read on twitter ‘when you fall in love with someone’s personality, everything about that person becomes beautiful.’ That has always been the case for me.

Anyone I ever had feelings for had been a friend first, I’ve never been instantly attracted to someone. I always felt if you can be friends with someone before you become more you build a foundation that will last. Life is hard and you need people around you who can help steady the ship when the waves come crashing.

So I sit and wonder if I’ll ever get that back again or how much longer my heart will miss what I once had. I think a part of me will always want to have him around, but it has never been my choice for him to stay.

Sometimes you will be the one who cares more, sometimes you will be the one who walks away. When you’re the one who gets left behind its hard not to wonder what you did wrong, why one minute they want you and the next they are ignoring your calls. I don’t regret being the one who cared more, I just wish I understood more.

Being an emotional person is hard. I blog to try to understand. In writing I process my thoughts and it helps to stop the ideas from going round my mind. I hate not knowing the answers but have the questions running round my mind. Sometimes even an answer you don’t want to hear is better than a question unasked.

‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ Well great, thanks for that! I mean if I never hear from the guy again or if he decides he doesn’t want me around what I’m really going to want is to miss him more!

What would really be nice is a reset button you can press that stops you from missing the person at all. That stops your mind from going over everything like a washing machine on spin, trying to make sense of what you did wrong.

‘Maybe go for someone next time you can have.’ Again thanks for that. I didn’t want to feel what I did but I don’t regret it. I didn’t know I would never have him when I started. But it wasn’t wrong to want it, to embrace what was happening and try to go with the flow.

All relationships are a leap of faith that you will end up on the same page. It seems nowadays that most people lie and mislead others when they first start out getting to know each other so even if I do get over this guy there is nothing to say I won’t have the same thing happen again.

‘There are plenty more fish in the sea.’ Yeah, maybe but I’m a really bad fisherman! I found someone in my 30’s for the first time that made me feel special when most people find that in their 20’s. By those timescales I’ll be in my 40’s before I find someone else that makes me feel happy.

Sure there were guys who were interested in ‘hooking up’ in the last year, feeding off the confidence and openness that I had developed with my friend. But I didn’t feel anything for them and I can’t give myself to someone I don’t feel anything for. I don’t understand the need to sleep with random people you never see or hear from again. I’m not judging people who do it, it’s just not me.

I waited to find someone who I wanted to be with, who made me laugh, made me feel safe and even if it was an illusion of my own creation made me feel loved. That didn’t happen over night and just as I didn’t feel it overnight I can’t turn it off overnight either.

I am trying to let go. I have no idea what will happen in the future or where I stand now but distance and space dictate that letting go is probably a good idea. I can’t help but wonder but for now the questions will remain unasked.

Maybe they are right and it is ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’

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