Do You Ever….

Do you ever just feel so lost that all you want to do is take out a blank page and write down everything thats pissing you off with the world?

It was my coping mechanism through my teenage years. Every time something got to me I would write it all down, usually in floods of tears, until it stopped hurting. I never read back anything I wrote, in fact I burned some of it for the release. Most ended up torn to shreds and thrown away.

The act of writing out your problems is the key. I always found reading them back a strange experience and far too painful to deal with. So the best thing to do was just throw them away.

In some ways this blog became my blank page. I’ve written about some personal things in an attempt to show I’m just as messed up (if not more) than everyone else out there.

I didn’t want my blog to just be a showcase of articles and stories I’d written looking for validation. Searching for your validation in others is a wasted journey. I write for me in the hope that I find at least one other person who will enjoy what I wrote.

It’s certainly no secret that I struggle to deal with my emotions. Lately I’ve been all over the place and had I not completed the CBT course I’m sure the depression would have got me by now.

I keep being haunted by something someone said to me. When I was fighting with a friend, someone told me they would make things right and when they had they would leave. We made things right and now I think the second part came true, we don’t talk anymore.

I don’t understand, when things were bad I get my friend didn’t want anything to do with me, I made mistakes and owned them. We fixed things, I got my friend back and now when I really need my friends to keep me going they aren’t around anymore.

I hate it when people leave and I get left behind wondering if I’ll ever see or talk to them again. I often think back to things that made me happy and want to share that with the people who were there. It’s usually a good excuse to pick up the phone or send a message and re-connect.

I’ve never been good at saying goodbye. The people I left behind I didn’t care enough to say goodbye to and the rest I never wanted to have to say goodbye. But I don’t get to choose.

Sometimes people just walk away, and you never get a reason why. I guess for them you ran your course and no matter how hard you try things will never be the same again. The hard part is stopping yourself from wanting to talk to them.

So today I think I’ll find a blank piece of paper and write…

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