Relationship Perceptions

I realise you can’t control how people choose to see you, but it would be nice sometimes if you could. My overactive mind replays my mistakes and tortures me with them until I get closure; but in the real world you don’t get closure and I struggle to accept that.

Everyone has their own agenda in life. For some people you will only ever be a temporary stop point on their journey to bigger and better people and things and when they choose to leave you behind there is nothing you can do about it.

I have been treated badly by enough people to know what I consider to be an appropriate way to treat others, namely how I would like to be treated. Yet I still find I get hurt by the people I trust, which really isn’t healthy for me.

I confess I can at times be a difficult person to be around. There is a darkness in me that occasionally rears its head and brings with it a need for understanding that can be tiresome and frustrating.  I don’t do it on purpose and it doesn’t happen that often.

On the flip side I am smart, funny, helpful, loving, spontaneous, willing to learn and try new things and generally a good person to have around or a ‘goofball’ as one friend delights in calling me (you know who you are :p). Even if I do say so myself!

I appreciate people require a lot of patience with me at times to achieve the best from our relationship and not everyone will have the time or continued inclination to offer that.

Nothing hurts me more than someone no longer seeing the value in me as a friend and instead seeing what suits their purpose. By which I mean taking words, actions and intentions and twisting them to their purpose making it easier for them to walk away.

Their patience run out, they stopped making allowances for the things that annoy them about you or maybe the bad outweighed the good. Only they can tell you that.

You realise they never understood the real you and there is nothing you can say or do that will make them see it.

You know the relationship you had is gone and things will never be the same between you again. In your confusion and grief all you can do is work out your next move.

Do you settle for a lesser relationship knowing how good things were in the past or do you walk away entirely, forcing yourself never to look back or wonder how they are?

You consider whether your mind played tricks on you all along and if the friendship you thought you shared was ever really there. (Or maybe you just listened to Dust Clears by Clean Bandit one too many times! Bit of a niche reference that one.)

You question whether you can trust anything that was said or happened between you but refuse to believe the good times from your past were all a lie.

When someone hurts you it is always hard to forgive them and move forward. You either agree to let everything die, grieve your loss and go your separate ways or you agree to put it all in the past and move forward together.

Moving forward whilst letting go of past hurts takes courage, a renewed understanding and forgiveness. If the relationship and the person is worth the effort then things can work out for the best.

You become closer, the trust deepens between you and you turn a corner towards happiness again but only if you both put in the effort. All relationships require an effort to survive.

Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.

When you forgave, trusted and thought you understood someone only for them to hurt you again how do you even begin to recover?

It takes a very brave or incredibly foolish person to still want to see the good in someone after they hurt you more than once. You might give them that third and final chance to be the person you always believed them to be, your true friend or the person you fell in love with but you know the person you offer them in return isn’t the same.

You know that they don’t have all of you open to them anymore. That their words and actions will always be received with a memory of the hurt they caused. You wonder if they care that they aren’t getting your whole but you carry on in hope of better times ahead.

A lot of people wouldn’t give a second chance and will be unable to understand why anyone would offer a third chance, because in some way by giving that chance you are facilitating your own pain, but in time you learn to see past the hurt and begin to heal.

If the other person puts in the effort you slowly forget until you either create a lasting relationship together proving you were right to fight or you get hurt and walk away forever without even looking over your shoulder, free from guilt and knowing you gave it your best shot.

After the second time you get hurt by someone you can never really get hurt by them again and walking away becomes easier.

Once you’ve been hurt twice you never fully believe anything they say so the words don’t sink so deep. A part of you will always believe they have one foot out the door so you prepare yourself for their leaving.

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be the one who hurt someone I said I cared for and walked away. I genuinely don’t think I could do it. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt, I would rather find an amicable ending.

But I do wonder…

Do they ever think about the person they hurt? If so do they think about the good times and smile or do they think about the ending and laugh?

Do they ever feel guilty that someone cared for them and spent time and effort on them only to have it thrown back in their face?

Why did they do it?

Did they mean to hurt the person, do they care that they hurt them or did they do it deliberately because they knew they could?

Did they genuinely give that person their best shot or was it just a case of liking having that person around when it suited them or everyone else was busy and they never really cared because it was all just an act?

Did they really mean what they said when they apologised or was it just lip service so they could hang on to the good thing they had?

Did they suddenly realise that the good person they had wasn’t as attractive a prospect as the younger, sexier person they just met or hoped to meet? Maybe they weren’t ready for giving up playing the field in order to give the good person what they deserved? Maybe they got scared?

But mostly I wonder if they ever wished they did things differently. If they ever realise what they let go and wish they could fix things but didn’t know how. If they ever think about that person, pick their phone up to call and but don’t have the words. Do they keep the photos and messages and look back over them and wish things could be like that again?

I doubt I’ll ever know because if someone is selfish enough to put their needs before the need to do good-by someone else they are probably immune to the hurt they cause and are unlikely to see any wrong in their actions. They are more likely to believe that they are the wronged party themselves, as it is easier to blame someone elses faults than admit to your own.

I’ve had friends come and go in my life and all sorts of relationships end and you don’t always know why. Some have a clear ending, others come to a natural end as you grow apart but sometimes they end without warning when you thought things were going well and that is always confusing.

I’m at an age where I value friendship above all else.  I know the value of having people to call on when you need them because I realise we all need someone to call who we can rely on.

I envy those that can afford to let people leave their life without a second thought, as I know the older you get the harder it is to meet people you make lasting connections with.

With experience you learn the qualities to look for in other people and realise that sometimes those qualities will be found in a variety of people rather than all in one person because you understand and accept that no-one is perfect. Everyone has baggage, life isn’t always kind to people and even the most confident person is hiding a scar they are trying to heal.

The people who are worth your effort will be the ones who ask little of you but offer you something unconditionally in return. Not just someone who pays you lip service on your achievements but secretly resents you for moving forward.

Someone who sees you at your worst and says it’s ok because one day you might see me at my worst and I know you’ll be able to cope. It really is true that the people who deserve your best are the ones who are also there for you at your worst because you don’t stay with someone at their lowest without seeing the best in them.

Someone who appreciates your effort and offers you in return as much as they can when they can because you both realise that life can be complicated but its the small things that count. Like sending someone a message to say your busy the next few weeks but want to arrange to catch up, even though it make take a while for you to arrange it you know eventually you always will.

Adult relationships are easily complicated by life and you often end up categorising your friend circles. By which I mean you have different friend groups who satisfy different needs and provide you with different support networks, university friends, football friends, drinking friends, girls nights out friends, mum’s/ dad’s from playgroup you get what I mean.

Often the people from the different circles never meet but all exist in their group struggling for time in your diary. If you do ever have a cross group meeting of friends it can often be a strange situation for all involved. I’ve been involved in a few of those and you find people end up staying in the group where they feel safe, unless you have really outgoing or pushy friends!

Then there are the friends who are there no matter what. The ones you call at one in the morning when you’re struggling to finish a project for work the next day and need to hear another persons voice to pick you up.  The friends you don’t have to see from one week, month, year to the next but know with one phone call it will be like you saw them yesterday.

Some of the friends I left behind I regret losing touch with but most showed they didn’t deserve a place in my life. Some of those I regret losing touch with I have tried to reconnect with due to the wonders of Facebook but you can never get back what you had once years have passed. We share a vague hello every now and again to acknowledge what we once were and that’s enough.

I don’t need people reassuring me I’m a good person, all the bad stuff that has happened to me in my life has shown me I am. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be here dealing with my demons everyday, they would have won years ago.

All I ask in return for my friendship is for you to value my efforts enough to not hurt me, to put in what effort you can, when you can to show I mean something to you. I put a lot of time and energy into my relationships with others and I really don’t ask for a lot in return.

I appreciate how complicated life can be and how you only ever seem to get more balls thrown in your court, and not everyone has as much spare time as me. Which is why messaging me first once in a while to show you were thinking about me will always go a long way 😉

 

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