It feels like lately all I seem to be doing is waiting.
My life has undergone some unexpected changes in the last year. It’s safe to say this time last year I was much happier than I am now. Things had just started changing for the better and for once I thought things were going to work out and I was excited to see what was going to happen next.
It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life right now, it’s just that I feel like I lost all the control.
I’ve been job hunting for months. I turned down a couple of job offers because this time I decided I would wait for a job with options rather than taking the first job I was offered like I always have in the past.
I’ve spent years building up a set of skills and experience that should make is easy for me to get a job, but yet I’m still waiting for the next opportunity to find me.
I know if won’t find me out of nowhere so I’m working hard to find the opportunities but again it’s all about waiting for interviews and feedback and finding the right time to chase them.
I’ve been working on the other parts of my life I’ve ignored and trying to achieve my writing goals in the meantime so I’m not completely wasting my time.
So now I’m waiting for people to start buying my book and for the next promotional opportunity to arise and for the first royalty cheques to come in.
That’s all really exciting and I love connecting with people who have enjoyed my writing but there is a lot of waiting involved. There is no overnight success in self publishing it would seem. But I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get there.
I’m waiting on re-connecting with friends. I’m the organiser, everyone is married with kids so it takes some organising to get everyone together but it’s always worth it on the night when you pick up from where you left off. But it’s still all about waiting.
I had to dig deep. I had to sit down and actually ask myself what I want from life. I don’t do confrontation, I don’t ask myself questions the reality of the answers is too hard to face.
The life I live isn’t the life I ever thought I would have. I began to have the life I wanted but then it all slipped away as one thing after another unravelled and I couldn’t stop it from all falling apart.
I hit self destruct, punishing myself for wanting more from my life and allowed myself to disconnect from everything around me because it was easier than facing what I had done.
But then I remembered making a promise to be happy and I’ve never gone back on a promise before so I have to change.
I realised that I can’t keep pushing people away, challenging them and expect them to hang around and keep trying, it just wears them down and makes it hard for them to remember who you are.
I’ve always been scared of letting people get close because I’m scared they’ll leave me. It’s a fact of life, the people you love die and you just have to deal with it so if you don’t let people in you save yourself the pain of loosing them.
So I make it hard to let people in, show them the real me and let down my guard. I have no one but myself to blame that I ruined those friendships I lost and I have to live with that. I tire of myself sometimes so I can’t blame others for tiring of me.
I ruined my own happiness because I couldn’t allow myself to live in the moment without sabotaging it by creating problems that didn’t exist.
So I sat and made myself think about what I wanted from life and I wrote the things down on a piece of paper, set fire to it and watched it all burn to ashes. Apparently doing that seals your wishes and makes the universe take notice and work in your favour.
Hey, don’t judge me, I hit rock bottom, I needed something to believe in and I chose the power of positive thinking. I’ve never tried it before so who knows maybe now it will actually work.
But the trade-off for wishful thinking is that I have to put in the hard yards too. The fact I have time on my hands means I can do just that.
I work hard, I keep my positive thoughts going, I do the things that make me happy and I keep reaffirming the items on my list but I’m still not seeing any results.
Yeah I know my life won’t change overnight and it’s a constant thing and there are no time frames but sometimes you need a sign that someone is listening just to keep you on track.
I’m starting to wonder if I haven’t become the fool that blindly believes, because I decided not to give up on the things that are important to me, for the first time in my life they will actually happen one day.
I mean just because I want things to happen doesn’t mean they will, when other people are involved, if they don’t want it then me wishing it won’t make it happen will it?
So then what? I spend all my life working hard for the things I want and never giving up hope for the miracles that will bring them to me and what if they still don’t happen?
It’s a scary prospect and no one has the answers. Sure people tell you that you deserve to be happy and that you’re in a bad patch, but your life will get better, you just need to keep plugging away and be patient and things will happen.
I believed for years that I didn’t deserve to have any happiness in my life because I couldn’t stop the worst thing that happened from happening, I couldn’t save my brother. I’ll carry that guilt inside me forever as I carry him in my heart.
Someone told me my life is all part of God’s plan and I’m where I am now because that’s where he put me and that’s what worries me. If if is all his plan then I don’t think I’m going to get my wishes.
I don’t have good form with the big guy upstairs, if there even is one. So if God really is the one in charge of my life this waiting will bloody go on forever. I think I must have pissed him off in a former life.
So I chose to believe I’m the master of my own destiny.
I chose to believe that if I keep reaffirming my wishes everyday and focussing on taking small steps towards them eventually I’ll get nearer to my dreams.
I chose to believe that the perfect job is still out there and I’ll find it soon.
I do know that from now on I’m not giving up on the things that are important to me. I might not be lucky enough to get back the things I lost or achieve the things I want but keeping them in my focus will remind me what I’m working towards if nothing else.
All I can do is take a small step each day and know that step takes me further away from the mistakes I leave behind and brings me nearer to the life everyone tells me I deserve.
I got to know what true happiness felt like and I hope one day I’ll get back to that again.
Sometimes you need to lose something to realise its value so when you find it again you know not to take it for granted.
Knowing that is out there somewhere keeps me going forward each day and if I get it then the waiting really will have been worth it.
Oh and just before I hit publish I thought I would check my book sales figures, I got my first 5 star review and the sales have started coming in so maybe the universe is listening after all!