A rambling post to clear the mind…

This post has changed direction so much since I started writing it, it was originally entitled psychology but I’m now on my fourth revision, and it’s grown legs and walked so I changed it.

The post was just supposed to be about the psychology ‘facts’ I keep seeing on the internet and how they don’t seem to be very helpful but then I started to think about the things that have been troubling me lately.

When I started writing this blog I never meant to use it as a place to talk about myself. I’ve been positively reinforcing the things I want for my life every day for the last few months and I’ve not seen any results other than the things I wished for others.

I’ve been working hard to earn the rest but I’m tired and have no indication I’m going in the right direction and I think I need to take a break.

In the last few years I met some amazing people and I’ve experienced a lot of firsts which for someone of my age puts me way behind the curve. It’s not been easy for me to handle all the change, I made mistakes and did things I’m not proud of, but there is a lot in my past that makes the things that come natural for other people hard for me.

I don’t trust easily, I struggle to let people see the real me as in the past when I have people have ended up hurting me. It’s not that I’m a bad person, I don’t know anyone would go so far as to say that about me. I just find it hard to accept after all the horrible things people have said to and about me over the years, that anyone would truly want to spend the time getting to know me.

Constantly challenging whether people mean what they say drains people’s ability to keep caring and I end up driving them away when really all I need is a little sign that they want me to be there. You know just make the first move once in a while or be the one to ask how my day is or something about me.

Other people make it look so easy, when I asked a friend how they did it they said they never give more than they get and they never make the first move. They don’t get close enough to get hurt so when things end they just stop talking, block, delete and move on, never looking back.

But that’s just not me. When I like someone I take the time to get to know them, I want to know how to make them laugh and the thing to say that’ll make their bad day better. I want to be the one they are comfortable talking about anything with, even if it’s just to rant about their day or ask for my help when they need it. I want to be there to give them a hug and tell them everything will be all right.

I don’t want to waste my time on people who are dishonest and only interested in abusing my good nature, I’ve done that too much already. I want to see the good in people and love them for the qualities they possess and not change them or make them someone they aren’t.

I always thought being a good friend is the best thing you can do because everyone needs friends they can rely on in life, you can never have too many good friends, I would be lost without mine.

There will always be people who try to make your life difficult, lie and mislead you and take what they want from you without giving back or caring about the effect it has on you.

Maybe it’s the digital world we live in, friendships and relationships are easy to find, you just hit search and find yourself a replacement. I don’t invest my time in people I don’t like so for me those people are not easy to replace, even if for them I am.

It’s been pointed out to me how people perceive me when I write this does not give an accurate portrayal of the person sitting here writing it with a mug of tea, eating bread and scrape. But then you’ll just have to take my word for that.

People have made comments aimed at others on social media, as a result of things I have written, that has ended up causing problems for me and generally made me consider at times whether I still want to write. I’ve always been told I have a way with words but when people use your words against you it just makes you wonder what the point is and why they feel the need to go out their way to make trouble for you.

I’ve second guessed, deleted and re-written so much, even whole posts, because I worried what would happen if I posted it. I stopped being true to myself and that’s always what this blog was supposed to be about, me talking about my journey to becoming an author, reviewing the places I’ve been, books I’ve read and movies I’ve watched. I want to get back to that.

Anything I wrote about was included as it was a part of my journey and I never meant it to do any harm and nor was it aimed at attacking anyone. I might have written some things in the heat of the moment I wouldn’t write again but I’m big enough to own my mistakes and try to make amends for them.

I don’t believe I misrepresented anyone, anything that was included was only to give an honest opinion of how I felt about the situation from my point of view. There is a comment section and people are free to post what they like in response, I have never held back any comments.

I have wondered at times when people felt so strongly, if the way their actions looked seen from another angle, made them wish they had done things differently, self-reflection and awareness is not always a pleasant experience.

I’ve been struggling for months to deal with the ending of a friendship that became very important to me. I allowed myself to care and that wasn’t easy for me but it was worth it as I found someone I trusted and wanted them to be a part of my life. They told me they cared for me, for the person I am, and helped me overcome my fears and we become close friends.

I loved spending time getting to know them and finding out the little things they would share about them self. Our friendship wasn’t perfect, we argued but we always overcame our problems and made things better because the good parts outweighed the bad. I always thought when you cared for someone you wound find a way to make things right, no matter how hard they got.

Then one day, when things to me seemed fine, they decided they didn’t want to speak to me any more and that’s it, they left. I never believed it would happen, after all the time we spent getting to know each other, I never thought they would wake up one morning and decided to end our friendship.

Hearing them say they just couldn’t ‘do’ being my friend, to them self any more, was one of the most painful things anyone has ever said to me, they even indicated they regretted even starting our friendship. It broke my heart and the thought that my friendship drove them to hate me that much is not a nice realisation. It scares me that someone I thought knew me well could ever feel that way about me when all I wanted was the chance to know them better.

I haven’t spoken to them in months, after talking to them almost every day for the last couple of years. Every day that passes I realise a little more how much I miss being able to talk to them and share in a small part of their life and just how good our friendship was.

Even watching my beloved Chelsea is tinged by the fact I can’t talk it over with them like we used to. We made a promise to see a game together when we first started getting closer, it was one of the reasons I wanted things to work as it was important to me and I’ll always regret never getting that chance. I even avoid social media because I don’t enjoy it any more as it’s a constant reminder of the fact I lost our friendship.

I really thought we had made a connection that would see us be friends for a long time and I was looking forward to seeing where it would take us. I never thought there would come a day when they became a stranger. If I had known they would leave, after saying they weren’t going anywhere, I would never have let myself get so close. If I never knew how good it could be then it wouldn’t hurt so much to be without it now.

For my part I hoped, with some time and space the friendship would be missed but I can’t ignore the fact they deliberately blocked all contact with me for a reason. It was such a shock as I never thought they would be so cold after all the problems our friendship overcame. I always thought if we had a problem we would be able to work it out.

No one is perfect, people make mistakes and require patience but sometimes the people who seem the most work are really the ones that deserve someone taking a chance on them. Sometimes you need someone to put their arm around you and make you feel safe, to say I care about you for who you are and I’m not going anywhere and mean it so you can push your boundaries.

That was what they did for me, they knew I had issues but they went out of their way to make it ok, they said the things I needed to hear to get me to trust them and showed me they truly meant them by not running away when I tried to push them. I let myself get close because of the way they proved they were being real and I finally let myself believe that I deserved their friendship and began to enjoy it just before it ended.

I want to believe one day our paths will find their way back to each other, because I always believed in my heart we were meant to be friends, there was a reason we found each other and we had a connection that was real but I think now is the time to stop kidding myself. They told me they never go back and I’m so far in the past they don’t even see me any more.

Its horrible missing someone when there is nothing you can do about it and whether or not we ever speak again I will always care about them, send them best wishes when I think of them and wonder where they are and if they are happy. They know me well enough to know I would never forget them or turn them away if they needed my help, I’ll always be their friend.

I wanted to believe that our friendship meant something and that the time and effort I put in wasn’t wasted but I’ll never know how they felt about me so I have to let it go. Not because I ever wanted to, but because there is nothing for me to hold onto.

I got to know them pretty well, if they were missing me or thinking about me they would have made contact by now. They wouldn’t deny them self something they really wanted just because it was difficult. When it first ended I thought they just needed some space and then they would miss what we had but I don’t feel our connection any more and I’m sure they would have moved on by now, it wasn’t like I was there only friend.

I really wanted their professional advice on a project I was working on, I always believe you should offer work to a friend over a stranger when you get the chance but I guess I will just have to work it out for myself.

So back to the start of the post and the annoying quotes I keep seeing being posted around on the internet, here are a few ‘facts’ I’ve seen a lot recently:

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Everyone who misses someone would love to believe this is true which is probably why you see it so much, but it just annoys me. Obviously these facts only apply to people you actually know because I doubt the celebrities you think of are missing you!

It’s a nice to think that because you are thinking about someone they are thinking about you too but unless you actually speak to that person how will you ever know?

You tend to think about people for a reason, if it’s a good reason, then surely some part of you wants to make the effort to make a connection with them and if its possible for you to do that then why would you stop yourself?

Life is too short to deny yourself the chance to make things work if you are both willing to make the effort. Too many people give up on relationships that might work because things get tough, sometimes you need to stay and fight and work things out.

That works for friendships, families and relationships it takes two people minimum to maintain any sort of healthy relationship and it will require work, communication and commitment but that is how you get the best out of people and the best out of life.

The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

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Again, all very well and good. From time to time I have vivid, almost lifelike dreams about people and quite often those dreams come true. But again if you don’t talk to that person then how will you ever know?!

I hadn’t dreamed about the friend I parted ways with for a while, I dreamed about them regularly when we were in contact, but then a couple of weeks ago three nights in a row I dreamed of them. Every night was the same, we met and went somewhere to talk but never quite managed it as we kept getting interrupted and I woke up sensing them there with me and saying their name, it was quite unsettling.

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If you really want to talk to someone and you still can, just do it. You only regret the chances you didn’t take it life. It is never too late to take a chance. You may not be able to achieve what you want from the connection but at least you won’t wonder or regret not taking the time to find out.

Life is too short to be stubborn, don’t let past mistakes ruin a chance to make things work in the future, if all parties are willing to make the effort it might just end up surprising you.

Let’s face it if you find yourself thinking about someone, care about them or are just interested in what they have to say a part of you wants to make that effort.

Why deny yourself the chance to have that conversation? You don’t lose anything in trying, think of whether the potential reward is worth the chance.

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This is one of my big problems, over thinking. I have this need to understand everything that happens when sometimes you just need to experience it for what it is and allow it to flourish without expectation.

When things go well and I’m happy I plan so many different scenarios in my head and when they don’t happen it can be quite frustrating. I realise now that over thinking and planning ahead just sabotage my happiness so I’m learning to stop and live in the now.

My CBT exercises are helping me to control the over thinking but for a long time it was controlling me, it took a sharp shock to wake me up and realise what I was doing. It will be constant work to keep it in check but I’m tired of ruining the good things in my life and driving the people I care about away.

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This is what worries me, I said the same thing to a friend the other day.

I spend my life putting other people first. I get frustrated sometimes when people come to me for help, but without someone needing me I don’t know who I am, it’s a strange thing to realise about yourself.

I treat people the best I can and in exchange I hope they won’t hurt me. But life isn’t like that, sometimes people hurt you when they don’t mean to and sometimes people just stop caring about you.

Everytime I get hurt it makes it that much harder to want to trust again and there is a little bit less fight in me to go after the things I want. Right now I’m struggling to even know what it is that I want.

In life sometimes the people with the most honest intentions are the ones destined to forever be misunderstood, hurt and used. Maybe not everyone deserves to have a happy ending, maybe some people never find the someone who will love them back.

I allowed myself to believe I’d found the friend I had been searching for and began to look forward to the adventures we would have. What if that was my one chance to have all those experiences I always dreamed of and I blew it?

None of us know how many chances we get in life, we don’t know if the people we let in are there forever or for a moment and no matter how many times people tell you it isn’t the end of your story and you deserve to find happiness there will always be some people who aren’t that lucky.

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I can’t pronounce this but I’ve been suffering from it for the last few months, in my case its a realisation more than a fear.

I was there every day, I tried, I learned to trust, I cared, I was truly happy for the first time in a long time, I made mistakes, I got hurt and now I have a new scar to add to my collection.

I’m just a troubled soul, searching for the people who will tell me I’m fine the way I am and stay…

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