Bloody Dreams

It happened again, two nights in row I had those bloody dreams again. I dreamed about my friend, only they aren’t are they or are they?! Argh

This time I got an email saying they wanted to fix things one night and the next night we actually met and spoke face to face to talk things through, they said they needed some time but they would always come back to me when they were ready. It was at that point I forced myself to wake up.

I was so scared I would have another stupid dream last night I couldn’t sleep.

Trying to stay awake, I ended up thinking about those stupid messages I keep seeing about people missing you when you dream about them so I emailed them and said I miss talking to them.

I’m never going to know if I’m forgiven unless I take a chance, right? I’ll never know if they think about me unless I ask.

Well I already know, unless they really are that stubborn and are just denying themselves our friendship or maybe they really do hate me that much they want to hurt me. Who the hell knows but them.

You know what I thought I would regret sending the message but I don’t, not even a little bit. I’m not even scared of getting a response. Sometimes you need to be brave and take a chance. Life is too short to ignore the things that make you happy and leave you with regrets.

I know I probably won’t ever get a reply, but what if I do? What if that reply isn’t fuck off and leave me alone you psycho but hey I miss you too.

Loosing our friendship made me realise just how much I enjoyed it and how much I miss it. Something that good will always be worth fighting for.

I know I can’t make them want something they don’t want and I can’t make them talk to me if they don’t want to. I know I have to respect that.

But I don’t seem to be able to stop caring either. In all honesty the more I try to make myself forget about them and the longer I go without thinking about them the worse I end up feeling.

Just when I think it’s getting easier the dreams start again. Then they make me wonder, and I hate wondering, it gives me a headache.

I’m not even sure they deserve my loyalty, not all of the bad stuff that happened was my fault, I got hurt and you don’t do that to people you care about but we are the only people who can fix it.

Holding on to all that isn’t healthy, people make mistakes, you can’t hold them against them forever. Besides I’m not like that, people don’t always make the right call all the time, it’s just a waste of effort hating people. They were too sweet to deserve to be hated anyway.

I just don’t want to keep having dreams that make me think things will get better. But I don’t know how you control your dreams, I can’t make myself dream about things when I try.

It’s not like I want to have those dreams, or keep wondering what will happen, it just ends up making me feel worse. When I have those dreams they feel so real and I feel the connection we once had but I can’t do anything about it and it drives me mad.

The thunder and lightning didn’t help either, just as I managed to get to sleep it started. I can never sleep through thunder if I’m awake and it was pretty bad last night.

I did eventually sleep a bit but I kept seeing their face and waking myself up to stop the dream.

I’ve lost touch with people before and it’s never bothered me, in truth I barely remember them. But the people who I really care about I always stayed in touch with, even the people I met when I was 4.

Sure I don’t speak to them every day, we don’t see each other that often but we still talk. Even if it’s a couple of times a year and we see each other once a year we still have that connection and it just picks up from where we left off.

I wish I could fully believe that it’s over and that no part of them misses the way things were. My head says it is but my gut tells me different and I always followed my gut with them. Maybe I should have used my head more!

My heart knows they were worth the effort for all the good times we had, I don’t regret taking a leap of faith. I only regret how things ended and that I can’t talk to them now.

Oh and I regret not being able to sleep. I used to sleep so well after we spoke, they always made me laugh so I’d go to sleep smiling.

I just miss the way they made me light up, only someone who is truly swagilicious can do that 😉 I’ve been dying to use that in a sentence. It made me smile 🙂

Have a good weekend whatever you’re doing! Oh and Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day to you all!


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