So it’s been a big week, my last week of freedom if you will as I start my new job on Monday.
I’ve been desperately trying to get everything sorted so I can be ready to continue writing around work after it being my focus for months now.
Everything is finally fitting into place, the job was the last piece of the puzzle for the time being. Then once I’ve settled into that the next phase of improvements starts in the New Year.
I finally finished my legal course and I sent off my portfolio to get it marked today. It had been wearing me down for so long and contributed to my darkness.
I realised quite early on it wouldn’t be the new career I was looking for but needed to finish it. I resented the time it took away from the things I enjoy and when I started it I was doing a writing course as well.
But now it is finally done and I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I waved it goodbye down the chute of the post box and walked away smiling and planning the stories I’m now free to write.
I have already got some new writing projects on the go and I know I’ll be able to find time around work to manage some writing every day. It will also give me time in my lunch hours to catch up on reading and get on top of my magazines which will no doubt help with the creativity and give me lots of new ideas.
I went to meet the team I would be working with today and got to see my new desk. The office is a really big airy space and all the furniture is new, my laptop is on order and I’m starting in a team that is growing and in its early stages so everyone is learning together which is nice.
My first project will be working on the website development and trying to break the new system and find its bugs so hopefully learning about how to create websites will help me out with that.
I had a dream about my friend again, he never seems to go very far from my mind. But seeing him in my dream shocked me so much I woke up calling his name so I didn’t get to find out what happened.
It’s been hard not being able to share all my good news with him and I’ve felt quite pressured lately with the distance between us and missing him. I keep getting stress headaches with it all but hopefully now things will settle down again.
I’ve also been struggling with the knowledge he thinks he makes me miserable, that really got to me. I wish I could slap the idea out of him and make him see the truth but I’m not sure violence is the answer!
It feels good to be able to finally say I beat the depression and I’ve grown a lot learning to deal with it. In the end it forced me to change but I hope I’m still the same person I was, maybe a better version with a lot less crazy.
I have my review with my Therapist on Friday so it will be interesting to see what his views are on it. I never needed all of my support sessions so the last time we spoke I was in a very different place to where I am now. I think he’ll be pleased with my progress.
I realised I’d changed when I seriously considered doing the zip line from Bournemouth Pier to the beach. I would never have found that idea exciting before but it doesn’t scare me at all now. Maybe it will if I actually go to do it and I’ll chicken out at the last-minute. But as it’s my brother’s last year at Uni I think it will make a nice memory for his final weeks.
I’ve also been seriously considering getting a tattoo. I’ve always been fascinated by them and I’ve seen a lot of amazing designs on the internet recently and found myself looking at them in a different light.
I’m scared of needles after having lumbar puncture as a child and I have no idea how or where to start when it comes to getting a tattoo but it has been crossing my mind.
It’s certainly not something I will be rushing into and if I do get one it will be small and somewhere mostly I get to see it but it would mean I conquered another fear if I do it.
No matter how many pieces of the puzzle I fit in it won’t ever be complete without finding a way to get my friend back. He holds that piece and I have no idea if in the future he’ll decide to give it back to me or not.
All I know is I made a promise to a star a few months ago that I wouldn’t give up. I wrote a whole list of things that I wanted and slowly I worked through making the important ones happen, the ones I could change and it’s now a work in progress.
The things I needed help with I wished on a shooting star for but the universe is a big place, one day it will get around to answering mine.