So today was the big day, I had my 6 month review with my Therapist. I was wondering when I got the letter, with my review date months ago, what I would feel like when this day actually came around and the reality is much better than the expectation. I could have only have dreamed then to be feeling how I am now.
Being able to tell my Therapist that I can pinpoint the exact catalyst almost a year to the day from when the problems started really helped. Because I know I will never take those pills again and that outcome will never happen to me again.
Something so small ended up bringing down my whole world and causing me to lose someone I may never get back, and it has taken me a year to claw myself back from that.
I still have to live everyday missing him and knowing I may ever get the chance to speak with him again. I’ve built my new life around this strange feeling of knowing what I had been searching for is out there somewhere, and as weird as it is to know that and be happy for him at the same time, I wish it was all so different.
I’ll never give up hope that one day things will be better between us, because I made the choice to stop giving up on the things I want, the things that make life worth living.
I’ve created an environment around me now that I can function in. I’ve removed all the stresses and made a new list of goals, but this time there are no time frames. Time frames are still beyond me, they add stress and frustration when they don’t work out and build expectation that leads to disappointment.
I’ve achieved so many things that life just threw at me and I had the time to go with them and complete the goal. It was only in explaining them today I really got to realise that, without the writing over the last 6 months being my constant, I would not have got to where I am now.
It’s so strange, how I have ended up is never anything close to what I saw in my future. Without 2 people showing me the path and many others helping to guide me along it my life would be so much different from what it is now.
What I have achieved in 6 months is nothing short of impressive, at least to me, if I list it all out. I had talked about taking a 6 month break to write at the beginning of the year but ruled it out for financial reasons but in the end that is exactly what happened. I spent 6 months writing and I am now broke but happy!
But the only real way to test my resolve is to continue to re-emerge myself in the parts of my life I moved away from. That starts on Monday with my new job and becoming part of a workforce again. I’m not even feeling apprehensive about it which is good.
Even walking into the office this week to meet the team didn’t make me feel nervous at all. It felt like that was where I was meant to be. Now I know what signs to look out for, so if for whatever reason things don’t work out, I’ll not get stuck this time and be positive enough to move onto something new.
The ultimate test for me will always be him and wanting him back in my life. Until I have the opportunity to try to mend that bridge I will never know if I fully dealt with all the issues I had.
Maybe its needing to understand things from his side too and the reasons why it all became too much. I have the feeling that in some part he blames himself for how I was and I would do anything to make him see that he was in no way at fault for what happened.
I would love to be able to replace all the bad memories with good ones and build a stronger friendship than we had before but without him wanting that too it will always be just a dream.
I’ve learned to conquer my over thinking and utilise deep breathing exercises. I understand the triggers more now and can challenge the thinking much better but in practice I haven’t been putting it to the test much.
I found a trick in St John’s Wort to help me on the bad days. I’m not convinced it helps me as anything more than a placebo, in that I’ve taken a happy pill so it will help. In truth I need it so rarely I’m not worried. I never wanted to start the route that needed medication to deal with my problems, I need to cope by myself.
I’ve always been a bit of a mardy bum since I was a teenager, sadly I think that is hormonal rather than anything else because I’m pretty happy most of the time.
Occasionally I just need everyone to leave me alone and let me be dark till it passes, it usually lasts a couple of hours and then I’m fine again. The Therapist assures me this is quite normal but to me it’s just annoying and I would like to learn to stop it.
There is nothing worse than when you feel low, and there is no reason why you do, for people to keep asking you what’s wrong. It makes it worse because you end up getting snappy with them.
How the hell do I know what’s wrong? I was fine a minute ago and now I just want everyone to go away but in a couple of hours I’ll want to laugh and joke again as if nothing happened.
I’ve noticed its worse when I’m trying to concentrate and someone interrupts me. Like when I’m deep into editing something and all of a sudden someone decides to tell you about a really funny cat video you have to watch.
Like seriously, I’ve been at this for hours now and I can’t for the life of me think of a word to make this sentence work and you want me to laugh at a cat video.
Which ok I admit is funny, but dammit now I have to go back and start reading from the beginning, and I’m still stuck on this sentence, but now I’ve wasted half hour because I was interrupted and it was easy to check Twitter.
My fellow writers will understand this I’m sure.
I think I have a handle on what works for me now. This whole episode scared the life out of me and has left me with lots of regrets and things I am really not proud of but that is life.
I need to keep everything small as much as possible so I can stay on top of things and not let it all spiral out of control. It means I can grow things at a nice steady pace and acclimatize to each new phase before moving forward which is good.
My challenge at the moment is learning to deal with the build ups of pressure inside me. The headaches and numbness that result from the pressure build ups are getting unpleasant and more frequent. I will eventually have to stop being so thick-headed and see the doctor to get it checked out.
I’m banking on it being stress and worry over getting things sorted and settling into the new job. If it continues past the first few weeks then I will get it checked out. My new office is next to the GP surgery so I’ll have no excuse not to!
But the over-riding feeling over the last 6 months is pride. I’m actually proud of how far I have come and the things I achieved.
I wish it didn’t take losing someone I care about to make that happen but sometimes life is a bitch.
I think I’ve grown into a better version of who I was, things that scared me before don’t seem to anymore and life feels positive right now and the best bit is the future is still unwritten…