So in the last week I got another year older, learned how stressful it is to deliver a project to a tight time scale when your name is one of the ones heading it up, published a new book and converted an ebook into a print on demand, oh and I got a promotion!
I should be happy and I really am but a part of me is finding it tough. The part of me that spent my birthday with one eye on my phone waiting for 2 words from him to make the day complete.
My birthday was probably one of the strangest but best I’ve had. I started the day with an interview for a promotion which I got. I was given a present and cards by my new colleagues and was taken to lunch, which was nice, but unexpected and it was the first birthday I spent without my Dad and Brother around because they were working so that was strange.
It was also the first birthday since I met him that I didn’t get a happy birthday message and strangely I missed those 2 words more than I did not having my family around, probably because they phoned and messaged me.
I still had a good time, a few drinks and laughs but when I was alone and with a few minutes left in the day I couldn’t stop myself from messaging him to say Hi. After everything I had that made my day special it wasn’t complete until I heard from him but he didn’t respond and I won’t lie, that hurt.
Being ignored by someone you care about is a horrible feeling, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and for me it is just getting worse the more time passes. I have this ache inside me that is desperate to hear how he is and catch up on all his news and the only way it will pass is to speak to him but he just ignores me and I know that should make me stop wanting to talk to him but it doesn’t.
I had a good week nonetheless. I got the project finished and managed to keep smiling and joking through all the stress, everyone seemed to appreciate my misplaced enthusiasm.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to be starting my new job and that will probably bring a lot of pressure and stress with it. Now the new system is live I will no doubt be fielding angry calls till Christmas but I think I can cope with that.
It’s the first time I have done anything like this and although the posts kept changing we made our deadline in record time. Even though we lost a day through problems.
It helps me to see that after everything I went through I can cope with the changes, I haven’t really tested myself until now but I seem to be holding up. The greatest test will always be the ability to restore my friendship with him, I doubt it will ever be what it was but anything is better than the way things are now.
I achieved a lot this year, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but it took reaching rock bottom to get here. There were tough times and dark moments when I really needed my friends and for one reason or another I don’t have that any more. I’m starting to realise now what that means and how much I miss the way things were and the people I was lucky enough to have around me.
I’m having to learn to do it all on my own and its hard not having that outlet of people to talk to and make you laugh. The more I achieve the more I want to share and the harder that has become to do. It’s no ones fault, it’s just the way life goes.
Life can be cruel sometimes, giving you the things you want the most and then taking them away from you. You can let it beat you or you can keep smiling.
I didn’t let it beat me, I made big life changes to get myself here and I’m not the person I was but I’m starting to wonder if the cost of that was losing the people I grew to care about. The people I miss everyday, the ones who became my closest friends.
Someone congratulated me on my promotion the other day and said they were pleased to see how my life had turned around and that I was finally getting what I deserved from life.
But all I could think about was what it cost me to get here, one of the best friendships I ever had, and in that respect life will always suck.