Bucket List Day…

Ok so today I get to tick off a bucket list item, I’m going to see The Who play live.

Now it might not be a big thing for most people but for me there are a lot of bands from the 60’s and 70’s that I like/ love and most of them I will never get the chance to see so this is a big deal for me.

Seeing The Rolling Stones live is on the list too but hey, I haven’t won the lottery!

I know it won’t be the same as seeing them at their height of fame and influence but at least I can say I saw them.

I’ve been struggling lately with so much unravelling in my life. A few short months ago I can safely say I was happier than I had ever been. The kind of happy that sees you smile for no reason, and makes you feel like life is turning out how you always dreamed, but then it all became a lie.

As things come in three’s with my personal life taking a downturn, so did my job and finally my health. I haven’t felt myself since it all came crumbling down so I went to get some help, and found out that the last few months has taken a toll on my body.

Basically I’ve made it very unhappy with me and in turn it, among other things is making me miserable. I’m getting too old to have to keep starting from the beginning again. Everytime I do I lose a bit of me on the way back up.

I’ve noticed I’m becoming withdrawn from things I would normally fight for. A resolution is sinking in that this will be my life. That the happiness I felt, even for a brief time was all there is and it’s back to pulling on the mask and pretending.

Only now the mask doesn’t seem to fit any more, it’s taking some adjustment. I have no idea how to deal with everything I’m feeling right now and not let it change who I am.

I don’t know how I can move forward and be a friend to someone who hurt me so deeply and broke the trust we had. When I don’t know what was real and was was a lie. When I don’t understand why I can’t just walk away and give it up.

How do you heal a broken friendship anyway? Surely it takes both people to first realise its broken and then want to make the effort to fix it.

On top of everything else that happened, walking away would make me and the things I said a lie and I don’t want to be that person. I have many faults but lying isn’t one of them. I’ve seen what happens when people aren’t honest and I don’t want to be one of those people.

The upshot of being honest is of course the fact it gets you into trouble. People don’t like open honesty, it makes them feel uncomfortable. It makes them feel like they did something wrong and people aren’t often good with admitting their mistakes to themselves, they would rather project it onto others.

So here I am in a state of numbness, trying to decide in this crazy weather what to wear tonight for a concert I’m hoping will scream all this mess out of me.

It really was lucky I had these tickets because I’ve been trying to quiet my mind for weeks and it just isn’t getting the message. Maybe turning the dial to 11 will help!

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