Depression is a Cruel Taskmaster…

I’ve been depression free for almost a year now. I’m thinking of throwing myself a congratulations party on the anniversary of being discharged from therapy, only no one else would be invited. I didn’t really tell anyone about the therapy at the time so it’s a bit pointless now.

My two best friends know. One helped me through it at the time, the other had their own issues. The trouble is I have started to feel it clawing me back in.

The last few days I woke up with that tell-tale headache that starts it all off. The one I can’t make go away with medication and I don’t really know why I feel this way. I woke up depressed.

I keep crying at random intervals which just sucks. At the worst of my depression I cried so much I actually dried my eyes out and had to have a course of eye drops. Nothing like the pain of your eyelids drawing across your eye-ball every time you try to blink, I wouldn’t recommend it!

I don’t even know why it’s clawing me in again. Things aren’t particularly great but I’ve been coping. I started the year happy and positive and slowly it lost all through one thing or another but I’m still going.

I could have let it all beat me but instead I decided to chase a dream. A dream that isn’t proving easy to establish but I think it’s been exactly what I needed. I have to prove something to myself and stop playing everything so safe.

One reason for the depression come back might be on top of everything else that happened this year my two best friends have started drifting away from me. I’m not blaming them, they have their own lives to live and I love them both very much. I would never want them to feel like its their fault if they read this.

I think I’m finding it hard adjusting to the fact they are the people I go to for everything and they aren’t around at the moment. They know all my secrets, make me smile and laugh without even trying and I miss them everyday. I feel like a part of me is missing when we don’t talk for a while.

It’s always hard when friends drift apart, life takes you on a different path and you lose touch. Its harder still when they’re the friends who keep you sane.

I met up with a group of friends yesterday and had a good laugh and that helped. But last night it crept back in again when I started getting messages hoping they were from my besties and they weren’t. Night times are always the worst as that was our catch up times.

I guess with everything I have going on and what I’m trying to achieve I’m noticing the fact that they aren’t there to run ideas past, get second opinions and maybe even massage my ego a bit and tell me how amazing I am.  (I should point out they have said that of their own accord, I don’t force them to say it to make myself feel better!)

I sound so self-centred but I’m really not. I miss being a part of their lives and sharing in who they are and what they do, it’s been a while since I had a proper catch up with either of them. I feel like I’m losing the connection I had with them.

There was a time when I knew almost everything, well at least from one of them, the other one has always been a tough nut to crack!

I just got my logo proofs through for my new company and sat looking at their names in my phone wondering which one I should ask for a second opinion. Then I remembered all the messages I’ve sent lately that have gone unanswered and made the decision alone.

It prompted me to write this, thinking if I got how I feel down in words it might help me concentrate on my ever-growing to do list. Time will tell if it has succeeded in its goal!

I just don’t think I’m ready to accept that I am going to have to go on living my life without them. I know they have more important things in their lives than me right now and I accept that. I just miss how we used to be. I miss my friends.

When you love someone you only ever want the best for them and if they are both happy then how can I argue with that? If they aren’t happy then I will be mad they didn’t come to me for help!

But at least how I’m feeling is not contagious, according to the article I read this morning!

Depression is not contagious but an upbeat mood is, say scientists

Maybe I just need a vat of alcohol, a soppy movie, junk food and a box of tissues and that will sort me out.

Sure it won’t make my phone ping or fix the fact I’m missing my rocks but it might stop this damn headache for a while.

Mind you I will probably feel bad tomorrow when I remember I’m supposed to be on a diet. I’m due a weigh in with the doctor next month before I get sent to a weight loss programme if I didn’t make any progress 😦

One thing is certain. I refuse to go back down the rabbit hole of depression that I fought so hard to get out of. I refuse to let the darkness take me. I need to find my Sunshine again.

 

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