Horoscopes…

I should start by saying I’m not convinced by the science of horoscopes; however I do tend to read mine if I come across it in a publication.

A few months back I signed up for a daily horoscope email and it’s been worryingly accurate of late. Not every Sagittarius out there could be going through the same ups and downs that I have been lately or we’d all be forming some sort of club.

The thing that struck me is how much it has talked about having problems with the people I’m closest to and having to work through my feelings to get to the point where I know what I will accept in the future.

All of which is painfully true as I had to wave goodbye to my friend again, having been told they no longer have time in their life for me. It’s not the first time, but it will be the last that I let them hurt me in that way. Someone who really cared for me wouldn’t keep letting me in and then pushing me away when I got too close.

On top of being frustrated that I have to face losing the person I care deeply about and miss talking to, who would have been a big help as a sounding board for my new venture. I also have to deal with the frustration of being tied into a life I’m struggling to find a way out of.

I took a break to get my business off the ground and I’m being hampered at every turn by people not doing what they need to do so I can move forward. I’m not going to make my deadline and have had to cancel my website and create my own as I couldn’t afford the options available to me.

It’s felt like the universe has been trying to tell me that I’m making a mistake. I put in so much hard work and effort that I want this to succeed to prove a point to myself. So I’ve had to reincarnate my idea for about the third time in order to make it work.

Luckily my horoscope keeps telling me that the detailed plans I make now will be bringing me all the success, love and happiness I deserve. Whether I believe in horoscopes or not I need to hear that right now to help me keep going.

Because my mind isn’t fully focussed on the business, as my heart is getting over being broken. People have the tendency to be nasty at the end and say things without thought or meaning. It doesn’t mean it hurts any the less.

All I wanted was to talk and work through whatever was wrong so I could understand and avoid this happening again, instead I got a wall of silence and a nasty jab in the ribs in the form of a social media status update.

Here was me thinking our friendship had grown beyond hurting each other to having fun, understanding and moving forward. I’m faced with the decision to cut all ties and move on or take a break and wait to see what happens.

At least a break will allow me to stop being angry and venting all the hurtful things I want to say.¬†Whatever trust was there I think has gone, I don’t know if it will ever come back.

I can’t go a day without aching to speak to them, I pick up my phone to ask a question or see how they are so often it hurts, so I know I’m not ready to give up entirely. I think I’m now realising that it will never be the same as it was and the future (if there is one) will be about finding a level ground to be happy with.

I’ve learned that I need to protect myself and not make allowances for the things that hurt me, because I know the good things I get from the friendship by far outweigh the bad stuff.

In the horrible words I hate people saying to me, I deserve better. Although I have no idea what that actually means. We say it to people a lot to make them feel better but really it doesn’t. I’m starting to wonder if anyone really does get what they deserve.

I started the year with everything I ever wanted and happier than I had ever been and slowly over the months I lost it all. It isn’t easy losing one good thing in your life that is a positive but losing all the positives in one go is just soul-destroying.

It’s been so hard to clear my head long enough to make important decisions without making snap judgments on temporary feelings.

I’m too old and too tired to keep starting from scratch, no matter how much my friend tries to tell me that life is constantly about starting over.

I have no idea what I want to do with my career. I need to start looking for a job as a back up plan, in case the business isn’t the success of my hard-worked plans. But honestly I haven’t a clue what I want to do. All the dreams I had have gone away and they haven’t been replaced with any new ones yet.

As a friend told me yesterday I sound like I need a long drink and a holiday, I had to settle for a hug.

I’ve been let down by people I thought I could trust, people who said they cared about me and ultimately showed they didn’t. My friend is also right when she says words are lip service without actions to back them up.

I don’t know what I’m more scared of, the thought that I might give up on my friend and the amazing influence they have on my life or that their threat of blocking me completely was more than just a nasty way to hurt me.

My gut flits between it being sure they are a part of my future, maybe not the part I’ve always hoped, but a part nonetheless to them not coming back at all. One of those things must be true.

I don’t think I’m ready to close the door or consider the possibility that I won’t ever see them again. I can’t control how they feel and if I really don’t mean anything to them then they won’t think twice about leaving for good. But without communication and honesty how am I ever going to know?

I won’t lie and say I haven’t considered whether it would be better to just walk away for good. I’ve even wondered if they knew that I was considering cutting all ties whether they would even care. I suspect not as things currently stand.

Maybe that is what they are hoping, that I will give up and skulk away. If it is then I thought we knew each other better.

There are very few people who come into your life, get under your skin and stay there. There are very few people who I physically ache to speak to and when I can’t or haven’t in a while I get very down. But as soon as I do everything is right with the world again and I find my smile.

I always thought those people were worth fighting to keep around, even if it meant that you had to have some bad times to appreciate the good. It just took me a while to realise there is a limit to how many bad times a person can take.

Aren’t the amazing things in life the ones that sometimes require the most blood, sweat and tears?

So here I am bleeding, sweating and crying with fingers crossed that my business is a success. I’m also hoping that I don’t have to live through another six months of silence, aching to speak to my friend, but that one is out of my hands.

Maybe if I start to believe in my horoscope the universe will make it happen for me!

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