I swear I can’t catch a break at the moment.
I lost my window of opportunity to start my business. It took so long to open a bank account the stock I wanted to order has gone, the website designer fell through, I couldn’t afford a replacement so I had to do it myself which in the end looked rubbish. So its back to the drawing board on the career front!
I lost the man I have loved for the last 2 1/2 years. Just as I was trying to find a way to make things better between us, or at least end things in a thankful way for all that we had been to each other, I found he’s blocked me from his life. After saying he wasn’t going to block me and needed some space, I saw by chance my email was blocked and then I saw the status update.
I thought being ignored by someone you care about was physically painful but I hadn’t considered how much of a kick in the guts it would be to see Good Riddance as a status update after finding out you had been blocked. Like a stupid child I blocked Twitter so he could feel for a nano second what it was like to be cut off and deleted his mobile number so I didn’t have to see any more nasty jabs.
Like my friend said to me today, status updates are the worst. I have to be careful with my status updates due to the audience of people in my phone who see them. I tend to stick to a line from whatever song is stuck in my head at the time. Whenever I’ve said something stupid on an update people have pulled me up on it and it’s not easy to explain them away.
Blocking contacts is a game I never wanted to play and one I have no conviction for. I don’t cut people I care about from my life so I unblocked Twitter, I lasted less than a week. The mobile was different, his name sat under my brother’s so I saw it too often in passing for it to be healthy but I kept a note of the number in my diary. Not that any of it makes a difference to the situation but it does to me.
Because I don’t want to trivialize what a big, positive influence he was on my life. I don’t want to take pot shots back and forward and try to hurt each other. If it had to end then I would’ve preferred it to be thankful for all we shared and part on amicable terms and not hurt each other with childishness. But it’s not something I can change now.
I don’t want to face the fact I will never again have his support, friendship or the care he showed me over the time we were friends. It is leaving a dark shadow over my life that it will take me a long time to get over. A therapist might say I was catatrophizing the situation but they never saw how he made me light up, how he challenged me to want to be a better person and built up my confidence to achieve that.
I’ve developed a circle of good friends in my life, who all offer their own qualities but none of them give me what I got from him. The fact I may never find that again scares me as I’d gotten so used to having it; maybe I took it for granted.
I drove home from the cinema last night, drifting into sadness and flicking through radio stations that went from Unbreak My Heart to Set Fire to the Rain and pressed the CD for some relief only to hear Certain Things, the song that reminds me most of him. I mean come on, give a broken-hearted girl a break!
I’ve never had my heart-broken before and I’m a bit old to be experiencing it for the first time but apparently it’s pretty common for guys to cut you off and act like a child when things end. Or so my friend tells me, men can’t deal with emotions or feelings so they lash out. She also said by the time he comes to his senses I’ll have moved on because apparently they always come back one day.
That’s why I love friends, they don’t sugar coat it and this particular one has known me since I was 4 years old. I’m glad I was seeing her today because she made me feel better. Although I don’t like her suggestion of deleting the photos, once they are gone they’re gone and I really will have nothing left.
I’ve not been sleeping. I keep waking up feeling like I can’t breathe under the weight of my sadness. I wake up with a voice in my head saying ‘you’re never going to speak to him again’ and I catch my breath. I don’t know why, I don’t remember dreaming over the last few weeks, it’s so strange to wake up thinking of him like that.
I woke up this morning with a sore throat like a golf ball is stuck in it, courtesy of my brothers girlfriend who came down with the cold at the weekend. He’s just come in from work complaining of the same, thanks S! I’ve been resisting the urge to call her all day and make her feel bad for passing on the germs but it’s a bit mean of me!
I left the manor house today to drive to the shops and get some bits for the curry I’m making for dinner, and when I got back into the car the ABS warning light came on. So now my car has decided to give up on me too. It’s an issue as where we live the nearest public transport or town is 3 mile walk in most directions, and there is no street lighting or pavements for most of that!
I mean come on, what else have you got for me life?! No business, no job, lost my friend, no car, coming down with a cold, depressed, chores piling up, writing going undone because I can’t focus. All I can think of is I must have been evil in a former life, because I really can’t work out what I did that was so bad to end up here.
I read a story yesterday about a poor woman who sat dead in a McDonalds with people eating their dinner around her for 7 hours before anyone noticed. I’ve now asked two separate friends to make sure I never end up as that woman. One of them asked me which restaurant I preferred, bless her, that wasn’t my issue with the story. But they promised to check on me which is nice.
I’m out for dinner with friends on Friday so at least I’m keeping my mind and life as busy as possible, which helps. Although one of the friends has been trying to set me up with her male friend for a while now and I have to keep telling her I’m not interested. She means well and is lovely to do it but my heart belongs to someone I can’t have, for now at least, and it wouldn’t be fair to bring anyone else into it.
I got a message from a colleague today asking if I could help out a friend of hers with work. Which was nice to know she thought of me. I couldn’t help but gave her the details of the only person I knew who might be able to help, which happened to be him.
No idea if it’ll work out but that’s me, hurt me, leave me and I’ll still try to help you if I can. That’s who I want to be, the person who cares even after you stop, because you never know in life what will happen next.
My Mind Management book and Therapy taught me that life is precious and you should spend it with the people you care about and treating people how you want to be treated. I forget that sometimes but when I remember I try to do good and make things right. Even if sometimes I have to accept that I won’t get that chance, and I need to find a way to live with that.
It doesn’t help that I struggle to cope when lots of things go wrong all at once. That’s when I feel the depression bite. I managed to hold it off for a while but I can’t ignore it anymore. The St Johns Wort helps even it out a bit and make the pain a bit numb.
You wouldn’t have thought that emotional pain could physically hurt you as much as a physical injury can but it does. Mostly I get it in my head and back, I can’t focus with a big black cloud filling my head with darkness. Which is why I’m not as productive as I should be. Going to an author talk today was just the inspiration I needed to get moving again though.
I’m sure eventually everything will work out. I’ll find a new career, finish my writing and get my life back on track, whether or not he is a part of it I don’t know any more. I always thought/ felt he would be but now I’m not so sure, this is a side to him I have never seen so I don’t know who I’m dealing with.
The best I can hope for is one day he realises that I don’t hate him, that I’m thankful for all he did for me, I miss him and I’m sorry for the stupid things I said/ did but didn’t mean. I might not have been able to tell him that myself, I wrote the message I just couldn’t send it, but who knows maybe one day I will get the chance.
Tomorrow is a new day with a new roller coaster to ride. I’ll have good days and bad. I’ll have days where I beat the depression and days when it beats me. Today was a good day and I won, I’m sure if tomorrow is too then I can start turning this around again. Because depression might win the battle but I always end up winning the war!