I Just Don’t Understand…

Yesterday was tough. I just feel completely drained and empty. It didn’t help that I haven’t slept much lately. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were just bloodshot red, I almost didn’t recognise myself. I feel like I have been punched in the face my eyes hurt so much.

I spoke to my friend, we talk almost every day. I would be lost without her. I told her I feel like life is happening around me and that I’m only living in parts. I don’t understand how I feel so unconnected to my own life.

I need to find a job, only I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember what I’m good at any more.

I have always had big dreams for my life. There are so many places I wanted to go, people I wanted to meet and things I wanted to do, but I don’t remember them now. I’ve always wanted to be successful and saw myself living in a nice house with a nice car and a loving family.

I’ve always wanted to be my own boss and I was for 10 years. I decided to be my own boss again and I was energised by the planning and believed I could make it work.

I turned to him for support, he’s a business man, it made sense and he wanted to be kept in the loop as to how I was getting on. Having someone to call on for advice is always good.

It was all good, until it wasn’t. I don’t understand why he didn’t just say in the beginning that he couldn’t help me, why ask to be kept in the loop and make it seem like he was interested in helping me?

He had been there for me before, helped to build me up and make me the best version of myself and that support would be invaluable to me now.

In the meantime I need a job. I was building a career a few months ago and now I just need a job. Something without any pressure, where I can just sit and do something and go home. I don’t have anything else to offer right now.

I told my friend last night that I don’t know who I am any more. She told me I’m a loving and creative person. Losing one of my best friends has made me question who I am and what I could have done to drive him away.

I know I said some things I didn’t mean which could’ve been hurtful when I felt attacked, and saying I didn’t mean them now is probably far too late. The rest I think I was just honest, maybe too honest, maybe too harsh but I can’t take it back. Maybe he thinks I blame him for how I feel but I don’t, I never have and I never would.

I don’t understand and I think I need to. No one understands what the connection was between us, I don’t even think we fully do. But I know that you don’t go through what we did over the last few years with many people in life. You don’t forge that sort of connection for no reason and you don’t keep coming back to it unless it means something. He felt like a part of my family and not just a friend in how I grew to care for him. There are so many things in my life that make me think of him.

I don’t understand how someone can say they care for you and they will be there for you, show you they mean it in their actions at times and then cut you out their life. I don’t understand how something so good, that lasted so long could just be over forever over a silly disagreement which could have been resolved.

 

The last time it happened we didn’t speak for six months. I missed him everyday. But when we argued back then he didn’t block all contact and leave stinging status updates for me to see. They really hurt and I didn’t deserve that. I’m not proud of my childish reaction to them.

I understand life changes and people get busy, I know sometimes they can’t be there when you need them but people who care don’t just leave. People who care stay and work through the bad times, they talk through their problems and they forgive, they hug, make up and things are better. Sometimes you need space to breathe but you always find your way back.

It’s not his fault I am where I am right now. A series of events brought me here. But missing him and the support he gave me isn’t helping. I need his tough love and positivity to snap me out of it. I need to remember what it felt like to see a message from him and light up like Christmas with excitement.

I have enough tough days ahead without missing someone who may or may not come back to my life. Maybe he’s right and he is better off without me. Maybe I imagined myself to be more important than I am and it was easy for him to let me go. But then again, he did keep coming back.

Maybe he thinks I’m better off without him. I will never be better off not having him in my life. It’s like living without a part of me.

In order to be proactive I helped my grandparents with decorating their house as it’s in need of some TLC. It felt good to be able to help someone again.

 

After a trip to the GP for some test results and a dose of vitamins I spent what must have been half an hour trying to explain to my Nan she had taken the wrong medication.  It couldn’t be easier, the medication is in pots separated into day sections and the day is broken into Morning, Afternoon, Evening and Bedtime.

I didn’t think it would be a problem. Until I realised she forgets what day it is. So she checks to see if she took her medication and if she got the day mixed up she takes the tablets.

I don’t understand how else I can explain it. I tried writing it down, she watched me putting the medication in pots explaining each tablet in detail, I explained to her with the aid of a calendar but nothing seemed to go in.

She makes me feel like a monster as she pretends to cry and gets agitated as you explain what she needs to do. I have to keep reminding myself I’m doing it for her own good and to keep her healthy. It would be so easy to let her get on with it and leave her to it for a quiet life but I pulled the ‘bad cop’ short straw.

The only thing I could do is leave them for my granddad to give her the strip of mediation each day. He’s more than capable to mange the situation but if that doesn’t work then I don’t know what to do. I don’t live near enough to go and give her the medication every day.

I suppose that is the one good thing about my current situation. Having the time to invest in all the appointments to resolve her health issues. That’s how I became ‘bad cop’. It wasn’t a job I wanted but spending two days in a row there I saw how much that was needed.

It’s also about finding a way to support my granddad with caring for her. He bares the brunt of it all, with us visiting every week, so it’s important to look after him as well. Seeing him energised and throwing himself into decorating again was nice, it gave him something useful to do. As someone who worked into his 70’s in a physically demanding job he needs that from time to time.

I drove home emotionally drained with tears in my eyes. I ached to get home and talk to him about anything but my day because I knew he would make me feel better. After spending more than two years sharing my life with him I can’t believe that I don’t have that support network there when I need it.

That’s what you do with your best friends, you talk, not always about your problems but you don’t need to because they make you feel better anyway, just by being there. I don’t think he ever realised that. Just by being there he made a bad day better. Knowing I could call on him if I needed to meant the world to me.

I even found myself being jealous of my friend this week. She had a fight with her partner, there were some huge and very real problems between them and in the end it was a real mess. But she told me how they worked it all out. I was so pleased for her getting her happy ending, she deserves it after what has been 3 years of a good/ bad time roller-coaster.

I’ve never been jealous of anyone before, it’s a waste of time and energy. I hated myself for feeling that way but in that moment I just wanted to have my own happy ending. I wanted to get in my car and drive across town to see him, to scream and shout and fight until we resolved our issues and were friends again.

It’s my birthday next month and I keep meaning to sort out something to do to get everyone together. But there is one special event I wanted to share with him, I’m not brave enough to invite anyone else to do it with me. My other bestie would do it with me but she lives in the US.

I also want to go for cocktails in The Shard but my favourite cocktail, Pina Colada reminds me of him. You need to commiserate with friends on your birthdays when you get to my age. People who understand your wrinkles and can forewarn you of the troubles ahead and regale you with hilarious life stories.

Mind you the last birthday I had in London with friends we got in trouble for lowering the tone and almost got kicked out of the bar. They didn’t like my birthday tiara, luckily they didn’t look too closely at the straws in our champagne glasses! I have some great friends!

I need to find a way out of this mess. I need to find myself again. I need to keep spending time with people who care about me and remembering to do one thing a day for me that makes me smile. I know this is just a blip and it will all work out. I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know I’m the only one who can fix it, no matter how much I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do.

I want to be the girl who gets in trouble for laughing too loudly and makes everyone smile again. Starting tonight over dinner and drinks.

Listening to the radio in the car doesn’t exactly help. They seem to keep playing sad songs that make you remember what you lost…

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