Panic Attacks…

On Friday I was feeling positive and ready to move forward with my life. So I updated my CV and started to apply for some jobs.

I didn’t know what to apply for, I just picked some random local jobs. I know most of the time you never hear back so I thought it was time I started the process and by the time I heard back I would be ready.

I got an email almost straight away to say I had been short listed for one of the jobs and thought nothing of it. I’ve committed myself to decorating, craft projects and writing so I have plenty to fill my days with at the moment.

This morning I got an email asking me to an interview for one of the other jobs I applied for and I immediately started to panic. My chest was tight and I couldn’t breathe.

I grabbed my phone to speak to him. He’s the first person I’ve told my news to for the last two and a half years and I knew he would be able to calm me down and be the voice of reason. But his number isn’t in my phone any more and when I remembered I burst into tears.

I cried uncontrollably for maybe 20 minutes and I’ve been crying on and off all day. I took a St Johns Wort tablet to help even me out and it hasn’t really helped.

I’m starting to think there must be something seriously wrong with me. No matter how many people tell me how amazing I am and how much I make them laugh it doesn’t make me feel any better.

He said if I ever needed to talk he’d be there for me. When I needed him he always was. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to cope without that. I didn’t realise how much I needed him.

Everytime I think it’s getting easier something happens and I fall straight back to the bottom again. I know I’m always going to miss him and there are times when remembering him will be hard. I just don’t know how to cope with this.

I’ve never had anyone walk out my life before and cut me off. Anyone I wanted to spend time with is still in my life. I even talk on Facebook to the boyfriend I had at school when I was 16 on occasion. We still have a laugh even though I haven’t seen him in nearly 20 years!

It should have been a great day. I woke up to a message from a friend and we had a lovely chat. I had a busy day ahead of me. I was offered an interview for a job.

Instead I spent the day wondering what would happen if I put his number back in my phone and called. If I’m ever going to be able to call him again. If I’m ever going to be brave enough to try to contact him and make things right between us. I don’t know if I can this time.

It’s just so hard to stop caring about someone who meant so much to me for so long. Someone I used to drop everything to be there for when they needed me. But that’s me, I hate letting people down, which is why I don’t make promises lightly.

I feel like I’m turning into some sad, pathetic person and that really isn’t me. I’m so sick of being caught up in my own problems and sharing them with the world but bottling them up doesn’t help. I’m tired of not being able to make my biggest problem better.

I have to make a decision about the interview tonight and let them know, but right now I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if anything fits me any more. I haven’t lost as much weight as I should have, another thing I failed at.

What happens if I don’t go to the interview? I’ll never get a job if I don’t push myself. But I don’t want to waste their time trying to build myself up again. I’m not really in a selling myself mood but I won’t know if I can do it until I try. If it works out it’s one less thing to worry about at least.

I don’t think I realised how much stress I’ve been under the last few months. Maybe I need to look at getting some professional help but I really wanted to be past that. Some days I can cope and others I barely hold it together.

I never thought I would be this person and I hate it. I’ve always gone through moody patches I didn’t understand but this is different. I feel like I’m falling apart and I just want it all to stop. I want to be the old me again. I just don’t know how to make it happen any more.

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