Today is Time to Talk Day raising awareness of mental health issues and that is something that is close to my heart. I have a personal battle with depression, I have been quite open about it on my blog in the past, in the hope that it would help others not feel so alone in similar situations.
I wanted to share Time to Talk Day and ask you to have a look at how you can help. I’ve logged my conversations for the day and I want to share with you my thoughts.
If you’re struggling today and things maybe aren’t going the way you’d like then please use today to talk to someone about it and to reach out for help. There are no magic wands to fix people or situations but there are people who can be reached out to for help if you are willing to ask.
I believe in the power of having people you can trust to open your heart to without judgement, and how that helps to keep your mental health balanced. I find it a constant struggle to stop the darkness from over taking me when I am in emotional situations and in the past I have been guilty of self-destructive behaviour to make myself believe I am how others make me feel.
I found distancing myself from certain people helps in some ways but promotes the feelings of loneliness. At times it feels like I can either feel like a good person who has dreams they want to achieve and be around people or I can be around people and be made to feel like an embarrassment, figure of fun and someone to constantly put down. So to feel better about myself I stay away and feel alone.
I’ve been through a lot emotionally in the last couple of years and I’ve not really shared it with anyone. But last week I poured my heart out to a friend, via email because I was too afraid to say it to their face. I didn’t want them to see me cry. I was scared at the reaction it would get, telling someone my deepest secrets for the first time but I trusted they would understand. The reaction I got was incredibly comforting. There was no judgement or making me feel inadequate, there was only love.
In truth that friendship has helped me to see that there should only be love. I’ve fought a lot in the past with that friend and tried to cleanse myself of them in many ways but years have passed and now there is only love. That love is allowing me to love myself for who I am and allowing me to be the person I want.
If people don’t like me or understand me then that is their loss. I haven’t met anyone like me so maybe that’s why people are confused. I’m not a screw up or an embarrassment – I just don’t walk everyone elses path. I’m an individual, I always have been and when you don’t feel the need to comply people don’t always get you.
My path is a little circular and lonely right now. It isn’t leading me towards my dreams but to some people it is giving them what they need at a time they need it. I need to find a path soon that lends me a kink towards my dream but I think in the long run things will work out for the best.
My horoscope is full of love connections at the moment and fun turning into long-term relationships. Even my fortune cookie advised me that a well-chosen word at the right time would bring miracles my way. I’m not sure I believe in these things but I don’t think it can hurt to hope for a while that they might be right.
For all I do for others and the person I am, I think karma owes me a little bit of happiness. One day it will have to be my turn to get my hearts desire, surely?!
So there you are, that’s how I’m feeling today. Why don’t you tell someone how you’re feeling. Let’s all use today as a Time to Change and a Time to Talk.
I’ve always been a fan of Ben Elton’s writing but I seem to have lost track of it in the last couple of years. I saw this by accident when looking for Christmas presents for others and added it to my wish list. From the jacket it appears that I have missed one of his books being released so I need to get myself a copy of that now.
This book hooked me in and I didn’t want to stop reading. The story of a time traveller, trying to alter the course of history by changing the worst thing that happened is interesting.
How could you know if you were really making things better or not by altering the truth?
That is exactly what the book explores. There are twists and turns which keep you hooked. The characters are likeable and you become attached to their story.
It does make you think about whether or not time travel would be a good thing and what you would do if you were faced with similar choices. Maybe by the end you’ll be challenging your own earlier thoughts on the matter.
If you like a good, well written story with lots of drama then I think you will enjoy this.
It feels like it’s been a really long time since I last went to the cinema. 2016 was a mixture of not many films of interest and being too busy or tired to fit in a visit. Let’s hope 2017 will be better!
We had a choice this week to pick an Affleck with both Ben and Casey starring in films at present. We chose Ben this week and I think we lined Casey up for next week.
Live by Night was an ok movie. My friend described it as instantly forgettable and I can see why he said it. I should add that our enjoyment of the film may have been impeded by the fact, the theatre was so cold I had gloves on and my thermal winter coat hood pulled right up but still couldn’t feel my legs. It’s the first time I wished I’d stayed at home in the warm rather than going to the cinema!
The film had all the classic gangster movie themes. At two and a half hours it was quite long compared to some movies, but it didn’t feel overly long, although it could have ended sooner. The actual end of the movie we found a little confusing in terms of the timeline. It almost felt like trying to cram in details without it being totally necessary.
The acting was good and it’s always nice to see English actors appearing in big Hollywood movies. Although I must say Sienna Miller’s Irish accent was a bit much and not in a good way.
I do wonder if I would’ve enjoyed it more if I had been warmer at the time but all in all it was entertaining. Would I be in a hurry to watch it again? Probably not. It’s probably not going to be on anyone’s all time favourite movie lists, it wasn’t a bad movie, just a little bit predictable and forgettable.
2016 for me like so many others was a roller coaster of a year. I had personal struggles with family, friends, work and ended up feeling very tired and alone by the end of the year.
In some respects it is a year I wish I would forget quickly but there are parts that I would like to remember forever.
I slowly watched my Nan deteriorate and waste away from a loving, bright, funny, big built woman to someone who weighed next to nothing, refused to eat or drink and behaved in increasingly strange ways.
The 2 weeks before she began the final decent were some of the weirdest with her behaviour being completely erratic. I remember my friend telling me she obviously had no intention of going quietly and she really didn’t.
But that last week, prompted by a fall took everything that she had left. The last 3 days a slow decent in front of our eyes, as she walked to the day room for lunch of a mouthful of soup and couldn’t walk back, but still had the manners to thank someone for handing her a napkin, to not eating at all to no longer being able to drink and finally not being able to move.
Yet I saw something the day before she finally decided to rest that I always hoped would be the case but didn’t dare to believe. On the Sunday I went to see my brother to tell him that Nan would be joining him soon and ask that he come back to be with her so she wasn’t alone on the journey. My Mum went to the home to visit her and it was the last cognitive day she really had, she was laughing and joking and they said it was like she didn’t have Alzheimer’s at all.
Cut to Wednesday the day after her last visit to the lunch hall and she was bedridden and almost completely out of it when I arrived to visit. I rang everyone and rallied the troops knowing in my heart looking at her that this was the end. We opened her christmas cards and she touched them as they were read out to her. I wrote out her card for Grandad and she almost managed to give it to him. I was hoping she would be able to make a mark on it at least but that wasn’t the case. He said she was following me with her eyes as I walked around and spoke to her so I think she was able to recognise movement at least.
At first she took sips of drink but as time passed she pushed my hand away when I tried so I let her be. My Grandad showed her the photos in the picture book I made her and she touched them even though I don’t think she could really see them.
Her eyes had glazed over by the time the others arrived, I don’t think she was following the light anymore. She still tried to move her legs a little bit in the bed.
But the most amazing part to me was how she reached out for something that wasn’t there. She did it a few times when we were alone. At one point she was facing my Grandad and I caught a word whispered on a outbreath ‘home’ the last word she ever said.
By the time my Mum got there she had reached out a couple of times and as I was telling her about it she seemed to do it again. But this time her eyes went as wide as they could, as if she had seen something that shocked her. That’s the moment she left us. Her spirit was taken home by the loved ones who returned to be with her.
Whatever you believe of life and death if you had seen her that day you would come to the same conclusion.
After that eye-opening moment she wasn’t really there. Her last day spent completely still with no recognition and air passing through her until my Mum and Grandad left and she finally decided to rest on 12th December 2016 at 3.50pm.
We waited until after Christmas to bury her. She is in the same cemetery as my brother now, something she would have liked. She is on the same hill looking down on him but still quite near given the 29 year gap in passing.
We had a lovely service for her. I wrote a eulogy that brought the essence of her 87 years to life and included her top phrases – ‘I’ll be singing in a minute’ when someone poured her a drink but we left her final farewell to what she wrote in birthday cards or what she’d say if she saw you drinking ‘don’t get drunk’.
So now we have to make sure that Grandad continues to carry on with life and picks himself up. I feel guilty that after not working for so long, I have to go back to work, and can’t spend as much time with him as I did last year. It’s hard but I’m not getting any younger and I need to move forward with my life.
I haven’t used my brain for work for so long that it’s turned to mush. The last year and a half of my life has been hospital appointments and healthcare. When I looked back over my 2016 calendar to transfer birthdays into the 2017 one I realised the sheer number of appointments we had.
I feel like most of last year I spent sitting in traffic in my car either going to or coming back from an appointment or visiting Nan. No wonder my body is so stiff and I’ve been getting back ache so much.
But 2017 will be a better year all round I hope. I hope to find a job that will give me some purpose in my life again. It will be good to not be a surrogate Mum to everyone and focus on myself for a while. Although I suspect I will still be expected to be the surrogate Mum.
I’ve been asked a lot over the last couple of weeks what I’m looking to do, now Nan has left me technically unemployed. I really don’t know. I haven’t made plans for myself for such a long time. I haven’t even dared to think about me and what I want as it felt selfish.
It’s funny how the more you do for people the less they realise or understand. I’m seen as the pathetic joke but really no one could or would do what I did. No one would put other people first the way I did. They see it as an excuse but it isn’t. I didn’t want to give up my life when I felt I was just starting to get somewhere. I was a victim of the circumstance and stepped up to the plate, allowing everyone else to carry on as they were. Some would say that deserved some recognition and appreciation.
2017 needs to be a year for me though. I need to start thinking about what I want to do and achieve. But honesty I have no idea where to start. I feel so tired and lonely, I don’t know who I can talk to anymore. Some of my friends became busy last year and didn’t seem to have time for me anymore. It’s a shame but its life. I know they’ll check in from time to time and I’ll see them sometime but it’s a bit sad too.
Maybe a new job will find me some more people to interact with and have fun. I’ve really missed not having people to laugh with and spend time getting me out of my mind and away from the routine. I have a part to play in some of it too. I didn’t always know what to say to people when my life was just one hospital appointment after another.
One of my biggest fears at the moment is attending interviews. I can’t remember half the stuff I’ve done and I’m worried my personal sabbatical will taint their view of me. I’m also worrying about finance and if I’m honest I’m worried to admit to myself that I’m alone and not just lonely. Accepting that is tough, but I just have to carry on regardless.
I also feel guilty. I feel like it’s my fault that Nan died because I didn’t do enough to save her, even though I know I did everything I could. I hate the fact the last words we spoke to each other were when I put her in the nursing home and she called me every name under the sun. When she begged me to take her home and I ran out and left her when she wasn’t looking because she had to adjust to the new surroundings and she would never understand.
I cried getting into the car that day. I had to turn myself away from her and me and Grandad stood looking at each other with tears in our eyes over the garden gate as we knew she would never be there again.
I stood at the curb outside the house on the day of the funeral waiting for the hearse to arrive and as I saw her slowly coming along the road I asked for her forgiveness.
I’ll never know if I really did enough or if the outcome was always going to be the same. Maybe all I did was buy her comfort and time. I just hope that 2017 forgives me and I get some peace.
I hope we all get some peace this year. I hope we all find what we are looking for and have the courage enough to go searching for it and work hard to secure it. Tell the people you love how you feel and take more photos because you never have enough. Make sure you write down all the special times or record them so you don’t forget. Live everyday to make you happy or at least find some small happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy and unloved. Love yourself and find your happiness.
That’s what I hope 2017 brings, love and happiness to us all.
I have to say I’m not an avid fan of Alan Carr, I don’t watch his TV Shows very often yet for some reason I’ve been given both of his books as presents.
I found both books very interesting. Alan comes across as being a genuine person, embraces his faults and is open about them in a way more people should consider. It’s like you’re having a gossip session in the pub, cafe or living room with an old friend at times!
People always talk about your flaws and the weird parts of your personality whether you choose to accept it or not and Alan decided to write an honest response to those comments.
This book gives you an insight into what it is really like to be a ‘celebrity’ and I think most people would find it a bit of a shock. Not everyone gets 5* treatment wherever they go and freebies handed out like water. There are darker sides to people knowing who you are and thinking they own parts of your life.
There is also a knock on effect of fame on the people you love, who everyone assumes are just there for the name most of the time and that true love and affection doesn’t exist for people who are on the telly. Alan talks about the struggles his boyfriend went through in a way that some people will be able to relate to on one level or another.
What I gained from reading Alan’s books is a sense that people on the TV are not that different from those of us not blessed by the celebrity star. I think we all forget that from time to time.
The media like to sell us a life that is out of our reach because we aren’t sexy enough, tall enough, thin enough or rich enough but that life isn’t always as sparkly as we believe it to be. The people aren’t always as sexy, thin. tall or rich as we think and even if they are it doesn’t mean they are happy.
To be a celebrity means giving a part of yourself over to other people and allowing varying degrees of your life to be dictated by the whims of others. You can’t always make your own decisions or decide to call in sick one day as you never know, by tomorrow you could be old news.
I think the people who endure are the ones who aren’t afraid to be honest about who they are. Who stand up and say, ‘You know what I do that too’ and make us laugh about ourselves in a positive way. We all have flaws, even the biggest celebrities and we can embrace them and love ourselves or we can let other people break us down and make us feel smaller than we are.
Read Alan Carr’s books and you’ll see for yourself that being honest about yourself can free you and embracing it makes you stronger. Or failing that you’ll laugh at his stories and cringe along with him.
Deadly Heat is another in the series of books by the TV character Richard Castle of Castle fame. Having watched the TV series I find reading the books like going over old episodes of the show. Which is nice as I think they have stopped making new episodes now.
Whilst I’m sure there are better crime fiction stories on the market I find the Detective Heat series of books fun and quick to read. There are a few twists and turns and I don’t think you need to have seen the TV show in order to read the book.
This particular book centres around the death of Detective Heat’s mother and her search for the people behind it. There are twists and turns along the way but will she find the culprit and bring them to justice in the end? You’ll have to read the book for yourself to find out.
This book intertwines stories by three different authors showing how a single event can affect different people in different ways.
It starts with The Jubilee Express by Maureen Johnson, next is A Cheertastic Christmas Miracle by John Green and finally The Patron Saint of Pigs by Lauren Myracle.
The characters introduced in the first story provide the basis for the latter stories with the final story seeing the key characters ending up all in one place.
The stories were romantic but not the straight forward kind. They were very easy and quick to read and it was nice to see some interesting stories unfold.
I would imagine that as a writer it is not easy to carry on from someone else and write stories that seem to have been written by one person but this book manages just that and it helps to get you into the Christmas spirit reading about snow and opening presents.
I brought this book with a gift voucher I was given by a friend for my birthday last year. I just went into Waterstones and picked a couple of books that caught my eye.
I really enjoyed this book. It reminded me of the kinds of book I would read as a child. I could imagine reading it as a bed time story and being asked for one more chapter before bed!
It was a detective story based in a Edwardian department store which had me picturing Selfridges the whole time. The characters are easily imagined and believable and you get drawn into the story and choosing who you want to see come out on top.
I’m doing a children’s writing course at the moment and my tutor keeps advising me to read more children’s books to get into the modern elements of the genre. I’m glad I chose this book as it gave me some ideas of where I would like my own writing to go.
On reading Wikipedia I find it is the first book in a quartet of Sinclair’s Mysteries (the department store in the book) so if your children like this book then there are more in the series to enjoy.
I was surprised that this isn’t written by the same person who wrote Gone Girl. From the very first time I saw the trailer at the cinema quite a while ago now I assumed it was the same person. Just from the trailer you got the sense that it was going to be a similar theme.
I’m sure when I get round to reading the book version as with Gone Girl I will wish I’d read the book first!
The cinema was pretty much packed out for the showing which is unusual but a sign of how popular the book/ movie collaborations can be, in my eyes at least.
I don’t want to talk about the story too much as I feel it will give away some of the secrets. I certainly didn’t see any of it coming, but I did have an inclination that perhaps all was not as it seemed.
I thought the actors played their parts really well. Emily Blunt especially, given there are large parts of the movie where she drives the story through alone.
There wasn’t a slow part in the film, nothing that looking back I think why did they bother with that bit. Everything is moving you forward to the end of the film. That’s not to say you don’t come out of it with things to discuss! Definitely a film to watch with a friend.
I would imagine most people who enjoyed Gone Girl will be reading or at least watching The Girl on The Train also. If you like your entertainment coming from darker themed stories then I think you’ll enjoy this one. Although I wonder if reading the book and then seeing the movie will create a bigger impact.
I have to admit I saw the movie before I read the book. I couldn’t swear that I knew about the book before I watched the movie, I don’t remember anyone talking to me about reading the book at the time.
Reading the book having watched the movie I was reading it as the movie characters. I knew what was going to happen and therefore the twists and turns lost their impact on me.
That being said, there are elements of the book, as there usually are, that are portrayed differently on film. There was an element of me reading it as ‘this was different in the film’.
I did enjoy the book, I think it’s really well written but I have to say watching the film first spoiled a lot of it for me. I’ve not encountered that with any other book I’ve read after watching the film to this degree.
I won’t talk about the plot because it’s hard to explain it and make it sound interesting without giving away the key parts. If you take out all the important stuff and break it down it just sounds like any other story but it’s much more than that.
If I could do it again I would read the book then see the movie, I think that would give you the biggest impact of the story. If you like dark themes then I think this would appeal to you.