Tag Archives: break ups

Revelations…

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I spent all day writing my heart out explaining how I derailed my own happiness because I’d had a message from the guy saying he wasn’t ready to make me miserable. The person who brought sunshine into my life and helped me be happy actually thinks he makes me miserable, silly man!

My heart feels settled in hearing from him. It wasn’t the response I wanted. I was hoping enough time had passed for us to be able to talk again. To start with a clean slate and a Hi and see where that took us.

Five months is a long time to not speak to someone and life tends to change you so I figured we’d both have changed since we last spoke.

It was obvious that he cares about me and that was what settled things for me. That and hearing that he was ok and in a good place, I worry about him so that was good to hear.

So I was feeling all kinds of things and spent most of the day crying it all out. Maybe this will always be it, me missing him and wanting to talk to him and him distancing himself. I don’t know only time will tell. But for now I can do no more.

Then I spoke to my friend. I knew she was about to have a tough conversation with her partner the night before so while I was doing my final edits on my post I asked her what happened.

Her response shocked me so much I still can’t even take it all in. She met her, I don’t want to call him partner, so I’ll call him blob at about the same time that things were changing between me and my guy. It was nice we were both in the same place although the relationships were completely different, we could relate to certain aspects.

It was never plain sailing for her and blob. He lied to her from the start, he was married and by the time she found that out she was already falling in love with him.

They had a lot of good times together but he also hurt her a lot. I had to sit and listen to her give up so many times and help pick her up.

One day I had enough and I messaged blob to tell him to do the right thing. I told him he couldn’t keep hurting her like that and I wasn’t prepared to listen to her keep giving up so he could play some power trip on her. He ignored me and after what we found out yesterday it doesn’t surprise me.

You see he was never the person any of us thought he was. He lied from day one. A lot of us had a bad feeling about him and I tried to prepare my friend and challenge her thinking over him to get her to consider all the things that didn’t sit well with me. Sometimes she listened and other times she was blinded by her love for the guy, so I would back off.

At the end of the day I wasn’t there, I hadn’t met the guy and my friend loved him so as long as she was happy I was happy for her.

That was until she told me last night he had at least 13 other women on the go so adding in her and his wife that makes 15, (that we know of) when I heard that I just wanted to hurt the guy. Who the hell does he think he is treating people like that?

His big thing is how much he loves women well if that was true he wouldn’t treat 15 of them like they were an option all at the same time. If you love someone you give all of yourself to them, sure relationships have looser boundaries now that the internet has allowed everyone to cheat. But love is still love.

When you add into it the guy has health issues and looks like Shrek I’m really not sure what all these women see in him, he’s not even well endowed 😉

Not only that, he had told the other women some flat-out lies about my friend, a woman who had sacrificed so much of herself and her own happiness to continue to give this waste of space blob the things he wanted and keep his secret from his wife.

As much as I hurt for my friend over it all I could think of was how we could stop him for good. Stop him from contacting any other women and feeding them lies and selling them dreams he had no intention of delivering.

I was worried that he would pick on the wrong one, someone who didn’t have people who cared for them and he would end up ruining someone’s life.

Because I had a feeling that my friend wasn’t the first woman he’d screwed over, I mean she gave him a year and a half of her life that she could have spent finding a decent man.

I said to her if one of the other women had done something then maybe this wouldn’t have happened to you.

Then she told me he threatened to make her disappear if she outed him to his wife. Why the hell should she keep his secret?

If he had one shred of decency in his body or had one positive thought about his wife then he wouldn’t be talking to 14 other women and asking them to meet him and have relationships.

He gave my friend a timeline of when he was leaving his wife for her about this time last year, it was what made her hold on through all the fights. It was the dream she wanted with the man she loved.

This man doesn’t love his wife, he cheats on her constantly in mind and deed and she has a right to know.

I’m sorry but people like that deserve what comes to them and the only people I feel sorry for are the victims who fall for their lies. Because when it comes down to it we all want to find the person who makes us happy and promises us the world and when we do losing them will always be hard.

You can’t stop yourself from feeling how you feel about someone, you can choose to ignore it and not act upon it but you can’t stop how you feel. The more you deny yourself those feelings the stronger they get.

My friend fought so hard for her relationship, she gave him everything he asked for, even when he was acting like a child and not a man in his 40’s and she got royally shafted and she didn’t deserve that. To add-on top of his lies, he slandered her, threatened her and is still talking to those other women.

But it did give me an idea for a movie in the Sharknado vein and it cheered my friend up.

Giant Gingerbread Man v Cheating Asshole Men.

Giant Gingerbread Man has a penchant for using his big wooden spoon to turn lying cheating men (she wouldn’t let me do a cheating woman version, for a 2 movie syndicate) into human candy apples which he lines up outside their houses so that everyone knows they are lying cheats and can avoid getting hurt by them in the future.

I think it would appeal to a niche market but ultimately would make me rich!

I hate people who go around deliberately lying and cheating their way through life with no thought as to how their actions affect other people. They blow up people’s lives and walk away scot free to find their next victim with a clear conscience.

Life is hard enough without people actively going round trying to destroy other people’s lives. The world would be a much better place if more people thought about their actions.

Cheating is a choice, if you care about someone you don’t hurt them so if you meet someone new at least have the decency to tell them. Sure it still hurts but it hurts less than being lied to and finding out later.

That sort of behaviour changes people’s outlook on life. Once you get cheated on you carry that around with you, it makes you feel like you weren’t good enough and you suspect other people of lying to you and it gives you trust issues.

The way people are is often an indication of the battles they have already fought, we are all scarred in some way, some hide them better than others but we all have triggers.

If we were all nicer to each other then maybe there would be less hurt people out there and more people would find their ultimate happiness.

I know my friend is strong and won’t let this bring her down, she has good people around her and her life is starting a fresh next month with a new job she is excited about.

She’ll hurt for a while but she already realised that the person she loved never existed so she jumped many stages in recovering and that made me proud of her cause I was worried how it would affect her.

But for me I couldn’t help be feel even more settled that the guy I took a chance on was a real good one and that they do exist!

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Psychology and Loss

I’m a overthinker. I’ll admit it. I always have been. I get lost inside my own mind sometimes if I’m left to my own devices for too long.

It’s one of the characteristics I hate in myself because in the long run it really does me no good and it frustrates other people. The more I try to stop the more I seem to make it worse.

I have this need to understand the events of my life. So much has happened to me that I couldn’t control and it has had a big impact on me as a person.

Doing the CBT course I had to ask myself some difficult questions that I would never previously have considered. In truth the questions made me explore deep parts of myself I keep buried for the simple reason they are too difficult to reopen.

I have my therapy review next month which will be interesting. To see where I ended up from where I was at the start of the year is a vast improvement.

It hasn’t been easy getting here and I wasn’t always helped by the people around me but the course was definitely what I needed at the time and without it I know I wouldn’t be here now.

Not that I mean that in the sense I would have ended my life, I wouldn’t. No matter how bad or how low I have got in my life ending it is never an option I will consider.

I won’t lie, I did consider it once. After my brother died. I didn’t want to live, I couldn’t see how I would ever be happy again. Catching myself laughing over something meant that I was being unfaithful to his loss.

I was 7 years old at the time and I sat with a knife pressed against my wrist, admittedly a butter knife, locked in the bathroom and as I did he appeared in front of me, shook his head and said ‘No’. I never considered it again.

I went downstairs and looked at my parents and knew I could never do it to them. They never knew at the time but I think they are aware of it now. It’s not a conversation any of us would be capable of having.

They didn’t know how to deal with his loss themselves, let alone help a 7-year-old child get over it. No one is equipped with the life skills to do that, unless they have been through it before.

Looking back we should all have had professional help to deal with it. We went through counselling when I reached my teens because we started having issues but by then the damage was already done to the relationship I have with my parents.

It wasn’t any of our faults. We were all doing the best we knew how but we all became damaged by it in different ways. I didn’t only lose my brother that day, the world I knew ended and part of me and my parents died too.

I’ve been thinking about my brother and that part of my life a lot lately. He will be 30 on the 4th September this year and the big milestones always hit me hard.

Notice I can’t even bring myself to say would have been instead of will. In the same way that seeing the name on his headstone with died aged 2 3/4 years written underneath hits me for six every time I see it.

I’ve always found psychology interesting. In order to help find some answers to why things ended so badly for me, I decided to search the internet for help. It’s a topic I intent to spend more time learning.

I came across some interesting articles that I thought I would share. I know I’m not the only one who has had a difficult life.

I’m not the only one to get hurt by people I cared about and lose people I love so maybe others will find help in the articles too.

I found occupying my mind helped with the spare time I found myself with. Now I have overfilled myself with projects, it beats missing something I can never have and it’s certainly more healthy!

The 5 Psychological Challenges of Loss and Grief

Why We Overvalue What We No Longer Have: The Psychology of Loss

What Is Resilience?

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Angry Boater Joel Sanders

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Psychobabble

I eat cheese, I run from zombies, and I do therapy