Tag Archives: broken hearts

The Bitch Named Depression, Friends and Broken Hearts….

I swear I can’t catch a break at the moment.

I lost my window of opportunity to start my business. It took so long to open a bank account the stock I wanted to order has gone, the website designer fell through, I couldn’t afford a replacement so I had to do it myself which in the end looked rubbish. So its back to the drawing board on the career front!

I lost the man I have loved for the last 2 1/2 years. Just as I was trying to find a way to make things better between us, or at least end things in a thankful way for all that we had been to each other, I found he’s blocked me from his life. After saying he wasn’t going to block me and needed some space, I saw by chance my email was blocked and then I saw the status update.

I thought being ignored by someone you care about was physically painful but I hadn’t considered how much of a kick in the guts it would be to see Good Riddance as a status update after finding out you had been blocked. Like a stupid child I blocked Twitter so he could feel for a nano second what it was like to be cut off and deleted his mobile number so I didn’t have to see any more nasty jabs.

Like my friend said to me today, status updates are the worst. I have to be careful with my status updates due to the audience of people in my phone who see them. I tend to stick to a line from whatever song is stuck in my head at the time. Whenever I’ve said something stupid on an update people have pulled me up on it and it’s not easy to explain them away.

Blocking contacts is a game I never wanted to play and one I have no conviction for. I don’t cut people I care about from my life so I unblocked Twitter, I lasted less than a week. The mobile was different, his name sat under my brother’s so I saw it too often in passing for it to be healthy but I kept a note of the number in my diary. Not that any of it makes a difference to the situation but it does to me.

Because I don’t want to trivialize what a big, positive influence he was on my life. I don’t want to take pot shots back and forward and try to hurt each other.  If it had to end then I would’ve preferred it to be thankful for all we shared and part on amicable terms and not hurt each other with childishness. But it’s not something I can change now.

I don’t want to face the fact I will never again have his support, friendship or the care he showed me over the time we were friends. It is leaving a dark shadow over my life that it will take me a long time to get over. A therapist might say I was catatrophizing the situation but they never saw how he made me light up, how he challenged me to want to be a better person and built up my confidence to achieve that.

I’ve developed a circle of good friends in my life, who all offer their own qualities but none of them give me what I got from him. The fact I may never find that again scares me as I’d gotten so used to having it; maybe I took it for granted.

I drove home from the cinema last night, drifting into sadness and flicking through radio stations that went from Unbreak My Heart to Set Fire to the Rain and pressed the CD for some relief only to hear Certain Things, the song that reminds me most of him. I mean come on, give a broken-hearted girl a break!

I’ve never had my heart-broken before and I’m a bit old to be experiencing it for the first time but apparently it’s pretty common for guys to cut you off and act like a child when things end. Or so my friend tells me, men can’t deal with emotions or feelings so they lash out. She also said by the time he comes to his senses I’ll have moved on because apparently they always come back one day.

That’s why I love friends, they don’t sugar coat it and this particular one has known me since I was 4 years old. I’m glad I was seeing her today because she made me feel better. Although I don’t like her suggestion of deleting the photos, once they are gone they’re gone and I really will have nothing left.

I’ve not been sleeping. I keep waking up feeling like I can’t breathe under the weight of my sadness. I wake up with a voice in my head saying ‘you’re never going to speak to him again’ and I catch my breath. I don’t know why, I don’t remember dreaming over the last few weeks, it’s so strange to wake up thinking of him like that.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat like a golf ball is stuck in it, courtesy of my brothers girlfriend who came down with the cold at the weekend. He’s just come in from work complaining of the same, thanks S! I’ve been resisting the urge to call her all day and make her feel bad for passing on the germs but it’s a bit mean of me!

I left the manor house today to drive to the shops and get some bits for the curry I’m making for dinner, and when I got back into the car the ABS warning light came on. So now my car has decided to give up on me too. It’s an issue as where we live the nearest public transport or town is 3 mile walk in most directions, and there is no street lighting or pavements for most of that!

I mean come on, what else have you got for me life?! No business, no job, lost my friend, no car, coming down with a cold, depressed, chores piling up, writing going undone because I can’t focus. All I can think of is I must have been evil in a former life, because I really can’t work out what I did that was so bad to end up here.

I read a story yesterday about a poor woman who sat dead in a McDonalds with people eating their dinner around her for 7 hours before anyone noticed. I’ve now asked two separate friends to make sure I never end up as that woman. One of them asked me which restaurant I preferred, bless her, that wasn’t my issue with the story. But they promised to check on me which is nice.

I’m out for dinner with friends on Friday so at least I’m keeping my mind and life as busy as possible, which helps. Although one of the friends has been trying to set me up with her male friend for a while now and I have to keep telling her I’m not interested. She means well and is lovely to do it but my heart belongs to someone I can’t have, for now at least, and it wouldn’t be fair to bring anyone else into it.

I got a message from a colleague today asking if I could help out a friend of hers with work. Which was nice to know she thought of me. I couldn’t help but gave her the details of the only person I knew who might be able to help, which happened to be him.

No idea if it’ll work out but that’s me, hurt me, leave me and I’ll still try to help you if I can. That’s who I want to be, the person who cares even after you stop, because you never know in life what will happen next.

My Mind Management book and Therapy taught me that life is precious and you should spend it with the people you care about and treating people how you want to be treated. I forget that sometimes but when I remember I try to do good and make things right. Even if sometimes I have to accept that I won’t get that chance, and I need to find a way to live with that.

It doesn’t help that I struggle to cope when lots of things go wrong all at once. That’s when I feel the depression bite. I managed to hold it off for a while but I can’t ignore it anymore. The St Johns Wort helps even it out a bit and make the pain a bit numb.

You wouldn’t have thought that emotional pain could physically hurt you as much as a physical injury can but it does. Mostly I get it in my head and back, I can’t focus with a big black cloud filling my head with darkness. Which is why I’m not as productive as I should be. Going to an author talk today was just the inspiration I needed to get moving again though.

I’m sure eventually everything will work out. I’ll find a new career, finish my writing and get my life back on track, whether or not he is a part of it I don’t know any more. I always thought/ felt he would be but now I’m not so sure, this is a side to him I have never seen so I don’t know who I’m dealing with.

The best I can hope for is one day he realises that I don’t hate him, that I’m thankful for all he did for me, I miss him and I’m sorry for the stupid things I said/ did but didn’t mean. I might not have been able to tell him that myself, I wrote the message I just couldn’t send it, but who knows maybe one day I will get the chance.

Tomorrow is a new day with a new roller coaster to ride. I’ll have good days and bad. I’ll have days where I beat the depression and days when it beats me. Today was a good day and I won, I’m sure if tomorrow is too then I can start turning this around again. Because depression might win the battle but I always end up winning the war!

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Revelations…

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I spent all day writing my heart out explaining how I derailed my own happiness because I’d had a message from the guy saying he wasn’t ready to make me miserable. The person who brought sunshine into my life and helped me be happy actually thinks he makes me miserable, silly man!

My heart feels settled in hearing from him. It wasn’t the response I wanted. I was hoping enough time had passed for us to be able to talk again. To start with a clean slate and a Hi and see where that took us.

Five months is a long time to not speak to someone and life tends to change you so I figured we’d both have changed since we last spoke.

It was obvious that he cares about me and that was what settled things for me. That and hearing that he was ok and in a good place, I worry about him so that was good to hear.

So I was feeling all kinds of things and spent most of the day crying it all out. Maybe this will always be it, me missing him and wanting to talk to him and him distancing himself. I don’t know only time will tell. But for now I can do no more.

Then I spoke to my friend. I knew she was about to have a tough conversation with her partner the night before so while I was doing my final edits on my post I asked her what happened.

Her response shocked me so much I still can’t even take it all in. She met her, I don’t want to call him partner, so I’ll call him blob at about the same time that things were changing between me and my guy. It was nice we were both in the same place although the relationships were completely different, we could relate to certain aspects.

It was never plain sailing for her and blob. He lied to her from the start, he was married and by the time she found that out she was already falling in love with him.

They had a lot of good times together but he also hurt her a lot. I had to sit and listen to her give up so many times and help pick her up.

One day I had enough and I messaged blob to tell him to do the right thing. I told him he couldn’t keep hurting her like that and I wasn’t prepared to listen to her keep giving up so he could play some power trip on her. He ignored me and after what we found out yesterday it doesn’t surprise me.

You see he was never the person any of us thought he was. He lied from day one. A lot of us had a bad feeling about him and I tried to prepare my friend and challenge her thinking over him to get her to consider all the things that didn’t sit well with me. Sometimes she listened and other times she was blinded by her love for the guy, so I would back off.

At the end of the day I wasn’t there, I hadn’t met the guy and my friend loved him so as long as she was happy I was happy for her.

That was until she told me last night he had at least 13 other women on the go so adding in her and his wife that makes 15, (that we know of) when I heard that I just wanted to hurt the guy. Who the hell does he think he is treating people like that?

His big thing is how much he loves women well if that was true he wouldn’t treat 15 of them like they were an option all at the same time. If you love someone you give all of yourself to them, sure relationships have looser boundaries now that the internet has allowed everyone to cheat. But love is still love.

When you add into it the guy has health issues and looks like Shrek I’m really not sure what all these women see in him, he’s not even well endowed 😉

Not only that, he had told the other women some flat-out lies about my friend, a woman who had sacrificed so much of herself and her own happiness to continue to give this waste of space blob the things he wanted and keep his secret from his wife.

As much as I hurt for my friend over it all I could think of was how we could stop him for good. Stop him from contacting any other women and feeding them lies and selling them dreams he had no intention of delivering.

I was worried that he would pick on the wrong one, someone who didn’t have people who cared for them and he would end up ruining someone’s life.

Because I had a feeling that my friend wasn’t the first woman he’d screwed over, I mean she gave him a year and a half of her life that she could have spent finding a decent man.

I said to her if one of the other women had done something then maybe this wouldn’t have happened to you.

Then she told me he threatened to make her disappear if she outed him to his wife. Why the hell should she keep his secret?

If he had one shred of decency in his body or had one positive thought about his wife then he wouldn’t be talking to 14 other women and asking them to meet him and have relationships.

He gave my friend a timeline of when he was leaving his wife for her about this time last year, it was what made her hold on through all the fights. It was the dream she wanted with the man she loved.

This man doesn’t love his wife, he cheats on her constantly in mind and deed and she has a right to know.

I’m sorry but people like that deserve what comes to them and the only people I feel sorry for are the victims who fall for their lies. Because when it comes down to it we all want to find the person who makes us happy and promises us the world and when we do losing them will always be hard.

You can’t stop yourself from feeling how you feel about someone, you can choose to ignore it and not act upon it but you can’t stop how you feel. The more you deny yourself those feelings the stronger they get.

My friend fought so hard for her relationship, she gave him everything he asked for, even when he was acting like a child and not a man in his 40’s and she got royally shafted and she didn’t deserve that. To add-on top of his lies, he slandered her, threatened her and is still talking to those other women.

But it did give me an idea for a movie in the Sharknado vein and it cheered my friend up.

Giant Gingerbread Man v Cheating Asshole Men.

Giant Gingerbread Man has a penchant for using his big wooden spoon to turn lying cheating men (she wouldn’t let me do a cheating woman version, for a 2 movie syndicate) into human candy apples which he lines up outside their houses so that everyone knows they are lying cheats and can avoid getting hurt by them in the future.

I think it would appeal to a niche market but ultimately would make me rich!

I hate people who go around deliberately lying and cheating their way through life with no thought as to how their actions affect other people. They blow up people’s lives and walk away scot free to find their next victim with a clear conscience.

Life is hard enough without people actively going round trying to destroy other people’s lives. The world would be a much better place if more people thought about their actions.

Cheating is a choice, if you care about someone you don’t hurt them so if you meet someone new at least have the decency to tell them. Sure it still hurts but it hurts less than being lied to and finding out later.

That sort of behaviour changes people’s outlook on life. Once you get cheated on you carry that around with you, it makes you feel like you weren’t good enough and you suspect other people of lying to you and it gives you trust issues.

The way people are is often an indication of the battles they have already fought, we are all scarred in some way, some hide them better than others but we all have triggers.

If we were all nicer to each other then maybe there would be less hurt people out there and more people would find their ultimate happiness.

I know my friend is strong and won’t let this bring her down, she has good people around her and her life is starting a fresh next month with a new job she is excited about.

She’ll hurt for a while but she already realised that the person she loved never existed so she jumped many stages in recovering and that made me proud of her cause I was worried how it would affect her.

But for me I couldn’t help be feel even more settled that the guy I took a chance on was a real good one and that they do exist!

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