Tag Archives: Life

I Just Don’t Understand…

Yesterday was tough. I just feel completely drained and empty. It didn’t help that I haven’t slept much lately. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were just bloodshot red, I almost didn’t recognise myself. I feel like I have been punched in the face my eyes hurt so much.

I spoke to my friend, we talk almost every day. I would be lost without her. I told her I feel like life is happening around me and that I’m only living in parts. I don’t understand how I feel so unconnected to my own life.

I need to find a job, only I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember what I’m good at any more.

I have always had big dreams for my life. There are so many places I wanted to go, people I wanted to meet and things I wanted to do, but I don’t remember them now. I’ve always wanted to be successful and saw myself living in a nice house with a nice car and a loving family.

I’ve always wanted to be my own boss and I was for 10 years. I decided to be my own boss again and I was energised by the planning and believed I could make it work.

I turned to him for support, he’s a business man, it made sense and he wanted to be kept in the loop as to how I was getting on. Having someone to call on for advice is always good.

It was all good, until it wasn’t. I don’t understand why he didn’t just say in the beginning that he couldn’t help me, why ask to be kept in the loop and make it seem like he was interested in helping me?

He had been there for me before, helped to build me up and make me the best version of myself and that support would be invaluable to me now.

In the meantime I need a job. I was building a career a few months ago and now I just need a job. Something without any pressure, where I can just sit and do something and go home. I don’t have anything else to offer right now.

I told my friend last night that I don’t know who I am any more. She told me I’m a loving and creative person. Losing one of my best friends has made me question who I am and what I could have done to drive him away.

I know I said some things I didn’t mean which could’ve been hurtful when I felt attacked, and saying I didn’t mean them now is probably far too late. The rest I think I was just honest, maybe too honest, maybe too harsh but I can’t take it back. Maybe he thinks I blame him for how I feel but I don’t, I never have and I never would.

I don’t understand and I think I need to. No one understands what the connection was between us, I don’t even think we fully do. But I know that you don’t go through what we did over the last few years with many people in life. You don’t forge that sort of connection for no reason and you don’t keep coming back to it unless it means something. He felt like a part of my family and not just a friend in how I grew to care for him. There are so many things in my life that make me think of him.

I don’t understand how someone can say they care for you and they will be there for you, show you they mean it in their actions at times and then cut you out their life. I don’t understand how something so good, that lasted so long could just be over forever over a silly disagreement which could have been resolved.

 

The last time it happened we didn’t speak for six months. I missed him everyday. But when we argued back then he didn’t block all contact and leave stinging status updates for me to see. They really hurt and I didn’t deserve that. I’m not proud of my childish reaction to them.

I understand life changes and people get busy, I know sometimes they can’t be there when you need them but people who care don’t just leave. People who care stay and work through the bad times, they talk through their problems and they forgive, they hug, make up and things are better. Sometimes you need space to breathe but you always find your way back.

It’s not his fault I am where I am right now. A series of events brought me here. But missing him and the support he gave me isn’t helping. I need his tough love and positivity to snap me out of it. I need to remember what it felt like to see a message from him and light up like Christmas with excitement.

I have enough tough days ahead without missing someone who may or may not come back to my life. Maybe he’s right and he is better off without me. Maybe I imagined myself to be more important than I am and it was easy for him to let me go. But then again, he did keep coming back.

Maybe he thinks I’m better off without him. I will never be better off not having him in my life. It’s like living without a part of me.

In order to be proactive I helped my grandparents with decorating their house as it’s in need of some TLC. It felt good to be able to help someone again.

 

After a trip to the GP for some test results and a dose of vitamins I spent what must have been half an hour trying to explain to my Nan she had taken the wrong medication.  It couldn’t be easier, the medication is in pots separated into day sections and the day is broken into Morning, Afternoon, Evening and Bedtime.

I didn’t think it would be a problem. Until I realised she forgets what day it is. So she checks to see if she took her medication and if she got the day mixed up she takes the tablets.

I don’t understand how else I can explain it. I tried writing it down, she watched me putting the medication in pots explaining each tablet in detail, I explained to her with the aid of a calendar but nothing seemed to go in.

She makes me feel like a monster as she pretends to cry and gets agitated as you explain what she needs to do. I have to keep reminding myself I’m doing it for her own good and to keep her healthy. It would be so easy to let her get on with it and leave her to it for a quiet life but I pulled the ‘bad cop’ short straw.

The only thing I could do is leave them for my granddad to give her the strip of mediation each day. He’s more than capable to mange the situation but if that doesn’t work then I don’t know what to do. I don’t live near enough to go and give her the medication every day.

I suppose that is the one good thing about my current situation. Having the time to invest in all the appointments to resolve her health issues. That’s how I became ‘bad cop’. It wasn’t a job I wanted but spending two days in a row there I saw how much that was needed.

It’s also about finding a way to support my granddad with caring for her. He bares the brunt of it all, with us visiting every week, so it’s important to look after him as well. Seeing him energised and throwing himself into decorating again was nice, it gave him something useful to do. As someone who worked into his 70’s in a physically demanding job he needs that from time to time.

I drove home emotionally drained with tears in my eyes. I ached to get home and talk to him about anything but my day because I knew he would make me feel better. After spending more than two years sharing my life with him I can’t believe that I don’t have that support network there when I need it.

That’s what you do with your best friends, you talk, not always about your problems but you don’t need to because they make you feel better anyway, just by being there. I don’t think he ever realised that. Just by being there he made a bad day better. Knowing I could call on him if I needed to meant the world to me.

I even found myself being jealous of my friend this week. She had a fight with her partner, there were some huge and very real problems between them and in the end it was a real mess. But she told me how they worked it all out. I was so pleased for her getting her happy ending, she deserves it after what has been 3 years of a good/ bad time roller-coaster.

I’ve never been jealous of anyone before, it’s a waste of time and energy. I hated myself for feeling that way but in that moment I just wanted to have my own happy ending. I wanted to get in my car and drive across town to see him, to scream and shout and fight until we resolved our issues and were friends again.

It’s my birthday next month and I keep meaning to sort out something to do to get everyone together. But there is one special event I wanted to share with him, I’m not brave enough to invite anyone else to do it with me. My other bestie would do it with me but she lives in the US.

I also want to go for cocktails in The Shard but my favourite cocktail, Pina Colada reminds me of him. You need to commiserate with friends on your birthdays when you get to my age. People who understand your wrinkles and can forewarn you of the troubles ahead and regale you with hilarious life stories.

Mind you the last birthday I had in London with friends we got in trouble for lowering the tone and almost got kicked out of the bar. They didn’t like my birthday tiara, luckily they didn’t look too closely at the straws in our champagne glasses! I have some great friends!

I need to find a way out of this mess. I need to find myself again. I need to keep spending time with people who care about me and remembering to do one thing a day for me that makes me smile. I know this is just a blip and it will all work out. I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know I’m the only one who can fix it, no matter how much I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do.

I want to be the girl who gets in trouble for laughing too loudly and makes everyone smile again. Starting tonight over dinner and drinks.

Listening to the radio in the car doesn’t exactly help. They seem to keep playing sad songs that make you remember what you lost…

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Love in it’s many forms…

Love is the thing that most of us spend our whole lives chasing. Yet we often fail to realise is all around us in its many forms.

It is one the most painful parts of life, given that most of the things you love will either leave you or die, and yet it’s an addiction that we keep searching for. After all who wouldn’t want to hold onto the things and people in life that contribute to their happiness in a positive way?

Happiness and love, if you could bottle them and sell them you would never be poor again!

Today love was talking to a Macmillan Nurse about how I can help my Nan. The conversation is a precursor to a meeting with the GP this week. But today we talked about ‘end stages’ and making decisions on ‘quality of life’ as a family.

It all seems so far away given she is currently asymptomatic but in reality it is a clock we have been trying to ignore since the start of the year. That’s what happens when the cancer comes back, you have a clock over your head which no one can see, ticking away to a time that no one knows, when the clock just stops.

We all have a ticking clock, our own schedule for meeting our maker and none of us know when or where that will be. None of us ever wants to be faced with making the decision for the end of our lives and yet in some ways it is the most important decision you will ever make not just for you but also for your family and the people who love you.

Power of attorney was another idea we discussed. My sister advocates everyone having a living power of attorney, given we never know when it might become useful. It’s something I have considered for myself.

I have no idea how I am supposed to have the conversation with my family though. How do you ask someone who is in themself well how they would like to die? I think that conversation will have to wait a while so we can deal with the more pressing issues in hand.

I’ve thought about death myself, having my brother die at a young age made me realise that it can happen to anyone. I don’t fear it, it’s inevitable, but I do hope it’s painless and that the people I care about the most are not left in any doubt that I loved them to the best of my ability, even if I made a mess of it at times.

I might even write my own eulogy and make them read it out. I’d hate to think of people being upset, I’d rather they came in fancy dress and had a big party. Imagine the looks they would get stood around my grave dressed as zombies, ghosts, devils etc I would certainly find that funny looking down on them. Definitely no lilies, I can’t stand them, they give me a headache.

I might even make a playlist of all the songs I love and make them listen to it! The worst funeral song I’ve heard was Who’s Sorry Now, it was their favourite song but thoroughly depressing. Lyrically it’s one of the most bitter songs I’ve ever heard.

I’ve been talking to my friend a lot lately about how I feel. Trying to work out what I did to end up where I am now, directionless and lost in my own life. We’ve talked about how I absorb other people’s issues and make them my own and how I need to stop. Knowing that she is experiencing some of what I am at the same time is a help.

Even when love is bad for you it still fills your life. Even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you it isn’t easy to do. Knowing you deserve to be treated better, not attacked verbally, emotionally or physically doesn’t make it any easy to walk away.

Because all types of love, good and bad leave shadows in your life and you never know how quickly the scars are going to heal. Nothing is ever all bad, sometimes the good is worth fighting for and sometimes you have to know when to give up.

I’m reading the Chimp Paradox, which I will review when I’m done. It’s helping me to understand that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. People can sometimes make me feel like there is because I have a big capacity to love and sometimes people struggle with how to accept that. It doesn’t make me a bad person for caring. I have to be honest with myself and do what makes me happy.

We’ve also talked about how other people interacting with us isn’t always about us. Sometimes people project their failings, anger, hurt, frustration onto the nearest or easiest target to allow them to feel like it is someone else’s problem but theirs. If you’re lucky you’ll get an apology when things calm down and you can decide whether to accept and heal or reject and move on.

There are times in life when accepting you are at fault is not something you are capable of seeing or doing. There are also times when you might feel like you want to make amends and either don’t know how or are too stubborn to try.

It makes me sad to think of all the times people could make things better by apologising and making amends rather than hurting people, which is a waste of everyone’s energy.

I’ve talked to people who have cut all ties with people they were close with and even they have times when they miss talking to that person and the bond they once had. It is almost impossible to remove someone who made their way into your heart. No matter how much time passes that person is always there.

I’ve never wanted to be someone who lives with regrets. There really isn’t much I regret in life. But this phase I am living in now feels like it might end up making the list. For a combination of reasons I’ve lost sight of who I am and what I want. Whereas I had such a clear idea of what that was a short time ago now I have no clue. I don’t see my future anymore and I don’t mean that as I feel like I’m going to die.

I mean it in the way that all the recurring dreams I had of places I was going to go, the people who I was going with, even the child I saw have all gone. The vivid dreams I’ve always had, a lot of which came true, have all left me and now I don’t dream any more. It’s unsettling not having that movie going on in my head every night, without it I feel like a huge part of me is missing.

I don’t even know how to make the dreams come back, I’ve never consciously done anything to promote them, eating cheese before bed or drinking milk, I’ve never taken drugs. I’ve just always dreamed. As a child my dad would play Supertramp – ‘Dreamer’ at me all the time. I remember him telling me that being a day dreamer would never get me anywhere but he was wrong. My dreams were what gave me my drive to keep trying and showed me the things I wanted the most. Without them I don’t know what I want.

I’ve also talked to my friend about the unconditional love of our parents, who if we are lucky nurture and protect us in an environment filled with love, expressed to its fullness. If we aren’t as lucky the love is more implied that expressed, we know it’s there it just isn’t as visible. But there are some people who never get to see that unconditional love at all. Instead they are beaten and broken at a young age by the people who nature intended to protect them.

We disagree, my friend and I on why people treat others badly. She believes if you are a good person you are incapable of hurting someone else. I believe that you can be a good person and hurt someone without realising it and learn how to avoid doing it again. I think there are times when we all chose to hurt someone for one reason or another in a fit of chimp rage.

She believes that some people enjoy hurting others as it feeds their ego, having power over people and that they never get to experience true feelings and emotions. I’m sure there are people like that out there, I feel sorry for them, because at the end of the day they will never let themselves be happy or know what that feels like. Instead they choose to push away the people who might just be the best thing in their lives if they gave it a proper chance.

How many times could we have avoided the heartache in our lives by sitting face to face with the person we care about and talking to them, calmly and honestly about how we feel and what we want, and coming to a mutually beneficial arrangement and sticking to it?! Yeah I know, never going to happen but it would be nice if it did!

We also disagree on the influence of bad parenting on children and adults to a degree. I think most people grow into an adult hoping to avoid the mistakes of their parents and doing the opposite to what they didn’t like about their life growing up. She believes that you follow the example you were set by your parents and treat people how you saw people being treated.

I’m not convinced. I’ve seen instances of people treating others badly because that is how they were treated. But ultimately you reach an age where your actions are your own, you made those choices and you have to accept them. The example you were set doesn’t have to define you forever, you can choose to better yourself and break the cycle. You just need to want to change and that’s the part where most people fail, you can’t make someone change who they are.

I don’t believe asking someone to change who they are is the answer. You can’t love someone in an idea of what they are and mould them to it over time. When you love someone you love them as they are, faults and all because no one is without faults. However, the parts of them that you adore should outweigh the parts you make allowances for.

I heard about a couple the other day who fought over whether or not to keep the cardboard cover over the top of a milk bottle. The woman keeps it on under the bottle cap, the man throws it away. This was causing stress and arguments between them. Life is too short for petty battles over milk. Accept there are different ways of doing it and live your life.

I’ve seen what happens when little arguments start. It goes from one thing to another and before you know it your life is a series of little arguments over petty things. I hate the way people fold the towels in the bathroom so I quite often just re-fold them, it saves a constant argument that no one listens to. They do it their way and I correct it when they aren’t looking! Do they ever notice, no, does it make me feel better, yes. Problem solved!

We are all a product of the environment we live in and the experiences we have had in our lives. If we are never shown love, we can’t possible hope to show love to others.

But it isn’t only giving and receiving love, you also have to love yourself in order to grow as a person. I think there are times in life when loving yourself is harder than giving your love to other people. Sometimes the way you feel love for yourself is the way you are with other people. Let me explain what I mean…

I would consider myself to be a helpful person. I read a lot and I’m always picking things out for people they would find interesting or sharing books, recommending films, looking for that special present or experience that a certain person would appreciate. I probably spend more time thinking about other people than I do myself. I’m the fixer in the group, the one that keeps bringing everyone together. I’ve been told I’m someone who people know they can rely on when needed.

To me being able to make someone feel special, even if it is for a second when they realise you paid attention to something they enjoy makes me feel good about myself. I love myself the most when I am able to help the people around me be the best they can be or experience something they love.

I’ve been lucky to experience a lot of special moments with my parents, concerts, theatre, comedians, holidays, restaurants, too many to mention. I’ve got some wonderful memories of all of my family, things we’ve done together, places we’ve been, shared experiences everyone is priceless.

I sent my friend in the US DVD’s of her favourite UK TV show because they aren’t released in the states and got a lovely response in return. Or the time I sent a friend a poster to wish him luck for his new office, I got a thank you photo of it placed where he would see it every day. I even became known as ‘the library’ in the office for sharing around my books to people who I thought would enjoy them.

I think I am a bit of everything when it comes to love. I have had people openly express their love for me, hide it, deny it, ignore it, give it and take it away again but through it all I kept giving my love in return. When love is threatened or lost it takes months and sometimes years to make peace with it and find a way to keep going.

You don’t ever forget it, but you reach a place in time when remembering is no longer painful. It would just be nice if you could cut straight to that.

I’m all kinds of awkward in social situations at times, I talk too much, laugh too loud, get people in trouble for being cheeky, I can be a bit weird, have a slightly devious sense of humour and get carried away at times with being happy. But one thing is for sure, you will never forget me and if I ever loved you I probably didn’t forget you either! Oh and if I was naughty it was my chimp that did it!

Something I Found…

I was on Stumbleupon earlier when I came across this article that I thought was really well written.

How are we to know he isn’t right?!

The Egg

It reminded me of a guy I used to work with, he was really smart but a little strange. One day he went into great detail to explain how none of us really exist and that the Matrix was pretty close to what is going on.

It was interesting on one level but provided someone like me, with a wicked sense of humour, endless amounts of wind ups.

Basically from what I can remember, we don’t exist but create a life for ourselves that we can function in. The people we meet, places we go, the jobs we do are all figments of our imagination and don’t really exist.

My only issue with that idea is I have a pretty well-developed imagination and yet I imagined myself working in a cold, bright yellow room for 10 years being pulled in all sorts of directions without any promotion.

Surely if it was true, then I would have imagined myself in my dream job, as a stay at home writer in a nice house with my own writing room with a view.

Not only that he took objection when I said if I had made him up he would be better looking and taller. I don’t usually have any problem conjuring up my ideal man when I need some writing inspiration! 😉

I don’t necessarily disagree with the idea of reincarnation. I can see how it makes sense that we live more than one life. Sometimes you get the sense you have been somewhere before but you can remember if you have, it would explain that!

32 Game Changing Quotes About Life

I saw these quotes on Stumbleupon:

 

32 Game Changing Quotes About Life

 

I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?

Anonymous

 

They say you don’t get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don’t deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty spot causes excruciating pain. That’s why we run from distraction to distraction and from attachment to attachment.

Yasmin Mogahed

 

Psychology and Loss

I’m a overthinker. I’ll admit it. I always have been. I get lost inside my own mind sometimes if I’m left to my own devices for too long.

It’s one of the characteristics I hate in myself because in the long run it really does me no good and it frustrates other people. The more I try to stop the more I seem to make it worse.

I have this need to understand the events of my life. So much has happened to me that I couldn’t control and it has had a big impact on me as a person.

Doing the CBT course I had to ask myself some difficult questions that I would never previously have considered. In truth the questions made me explore deep parts of myself I keep buried for the simple reason they are too difficult to reopen.

I have my therapy review next month which will be interesting. To see where I ended up from where I was at the start of the year is a vast improvement.

It hasn’t been easy getting here and I wasn’t always helped by the people around me but the course was definitely what I needed at the time and without it I know I wouldn’t be here now.

Not that I mean that in the sense I would have ended my life, I wouldn’t. No matter how bad or how low I have got in my life ending it is never an option I will consider.

I won’t lie, I did consider it once. After my brother died. I didn’t want to live, I couldn’t see how I would ever be happy again. Catching myself laughing over something meant that I was being unfaithful to his loss.

I was 7 years old at the time and I sat with a knife pressed against my wrist, admittedly a butter knife, locked in the bathroom and as I did he appeared in front of me, shook his head and said ‘No’. I never considered it again.

I went downstairs and looked at my parents and knew I could never do it to them. They never knew at the time but I think they are aware of it now. It’s not a conversation any of us would be capable of having.

They didn’t know how to deal with his loss themselves, let alone help a 7-year-old child get over it. No one is equipped with the life skills to do that, unless they have been through it before.

Looking back we should all have had professional help to deal with it. We went through counselling when I reached my teens because we started having issues but by then the damage was already done to the relationship I have with my parents.

It wasn’t any of our faults. We were all doing the best we knew how but we all became damaged by it in different ways. I didn’t only lose my brother that day, the world I knew ended and part of me and my parents died too.

I’ve been thinking about my brother and that part of my life a lot lately. He will be 30 on the 4th September this year and the big milestones always hit me hard.

Notice I can’t even bring myself to say would have been instead of will. In the same way that seeing the name on his headstone with died aged 2 3/4 years written underneath hits me for six every time I see it.

I’ve always found psychology interesting. In order to help find some answers to why things ended so badly for me, I decided to search the internet for help. It’s a topic I intent to spend more time learning.

I came across some interesting articles that I thought I would share. I know I’m not the only one who has had a difficult life.

I’m not the only one to get hurt by people I cared about and lose people I love so maybe others will find help in the articles too.

I found occupying my mind helped with the spare time I found myself with. Now I have overfilled myself with projects, it beats missing something I can never have and it’s certainly more healthy!

The 5 Psychological Challenges of Loss and Grief

Why We Overvalue What We No Longer Have: The Psychology of Loss

What Is Resilience?

26 Things I’ve Learned About the ‘Real World’ in 26 years

I just read this post and I thought I would share it. There are some really good points here that you only really begin to appreciate as you get older.

26 Things I’ve Learned About the ‘Real World’ in 26 years

Finding Your Place In The World

I have quite a few internet ‘friends’ who are younger than me. We bonded over shared interests, usually football, I enjoy talking to people who are as passionate about the things I like as I am.

At times I feel like a big sister to the young people who are looking for something on the internet they don’t find in their lives.

I see kids looking up to people and changing their views to align themselves and the way they constantly look for certain people’s validation of everything.

I sometimes wonder if the people they seek validation from realise the impact they have on those kids lives. I watch the way they are lost when that person isn’t online, waiting to get their approval or find out their opinion on something like a dog pining for its master. As an observer it is interesting to watch.

Every now and then I see people struggling and I try to help. See I was once where they are. I remember how hard it was to find my place in the world.

All the stress of school life, picking your subjects and studying for exams and the weight of expectation on your shoulders from the people around you. The expectation of needing to get certain results or your whole life map will change without getting into the right course at the right University.

You get into University or College and then the fun starts. You move out of home and spend your time partying, ‘hooking up’ and occasionally remembering to attend lectures and learn something. Then the course winds up and the work gets harder and you’re torn between partying and studying and the pressure of not wanting to fail and let people down.

You get through all that and go from the comfort of education to being in the big wide world with not much in the way of a safety net or stop-gap.

All of a sudden the full weight of expectation falls on your shoulders. Everyone seems to want something from you. They put their expectation on you and they don’t always ask you what you want. You want to take a break and let the change sink in but you can’t.

You have to find a job. But its hard to find a job with little or no experience. When you do find a job you get a hard shock about the real world and what going to work is all about. You can’t believe that will be your life for the next 60 years and start to see why your parents were so stressed all the time.

Your safety bubble bursts. You’re thrown into adulthood and desperate to go back to the freedom of childhood where you didn’t have the worries and the stress. But you can’t go back. You spent your childhood desperate to be an adult and spend a part of your adulthood longing for your childhood innocence.

I got my first job when I was 12, I worked in newsagent until I started my GCSE’s, stopped for 2 years and then left school and went to work in Tesco while I went to college. I had no interest in University and at the time it wasn’t as necessary to have a degree as it is now, you were just expected to have some further education.

My parents believed that to move on in life you needed to learn what it was like to go to work. I got pocket-money only if I did chores. I didn’t automatically get brought everything I wanted, I had to earn it. I saved for months to get a leather jacket and I still have it now. The first thing I ever earned and paid for purely off my own back. Almost everything I own was earned through my own hard work.

Nothing I’ve ever done was or will ever be good enough for my Dad because I didn’t follow the path he wanted me to. Because from day 1 I was born an individual and I’ve always walked my own path. It’s one of the reasons I find it hard to trust people because I know I can rely on myself, I forget to let other people in.

My Dad looks at me and the people he works with who earn vastly more than me and sees me as the better option. ‘All the skills you waste, all the things you can do and the knowledge you have, you should be earning big money by now.’ I’m tired of hearing it.

I’ve always had people lean on me to make things better. People come to me with their problems and ask me to make them better. If I can’t help I feel like I failed them.

It’s strange when the person who asks for your help is someone you will never meet, a name on the screen who you interact with purely in text messages. But I will always try to help if I can.

I always try to offer support to people, because I know how easy it is to bottle things up and how damaging that is in the long run. But I don’t always get it right. I don’t have all the answers.

See the more of life you see the more experience you have to draw on. You can help pass that on to people who are just starting out and help them avoid some of the painful lessons you went through or you can sit back and let it happen.

That’s not to say you can stop people from making mistakes. You can only try to advise and answer their questions and give them a different perspective but people have to learn from their own mistakes.

I’ve worked with lots of different types of people. I’ve learned a lot from some of them good and bad. I’ve worked with a lot of people younger than me who had massive chips on their shoulders over being at work. Intelligent people I saw vast potential in who wasted it by being arrogant, lazy and blaming everyone else for their sloppy work when things inevitably went wrong. I’ve always tried to help people see their potential and maximize it, some people have even listened to my advice!

I’ve watched the negative impact of work related stress change my Dad over the years. I would hate to see that happen to anyone else. So I always advise people to learn how to manage their stress in a way that helps them. Find that as soon as you can because stress eats away at who you are if you don’t control it.

Personally I put on my headphones, max out the sound and silently scream out the lyrics to songs I like. Either that or I have a good cry, never underestimate the power of a good cry, always makes me feel better. A walk in the fresh air or exercise works just as well.

Finding your place in the world is hard. Understanding what you want from life is hard. No one has the answers. What you want today you might not want tomorrow. The career you thought you wanted might turn out to be as dull and boring as everyone elses.

You know what, we all experimented with where we ended up. We all did shit jobs we hated and tried something new. It’s life.

I’ll let you into a secret. No one, no matter what their job likes every aspect of it. You wont always like the people you work with, the tasks you do but you will learn to make the best of it.

My advice, do the bits you hate first, get them over with and then focus on the parts you enjoy and are good at. Never stop trying to learn new things. Life moves fast nowadays and there is always something new out there so never stop learning. You never know when a new skill you learn may come in handy, it may even help you land a promotion one day.

Once you go into the big wide world you will see there maybe times you are doing the work of people more qualified and higher paid than you and they won’t even thank you for it but they will probably take all the credit for it.

There maybe times when everyone else goes home and you are left working alone because they gave you their work so late and it needed finishing you had no choice but to stay and get it done. This will give you the rage, to get your own back I suggest messing with their desk in a subtle way, nothing malicious but it will help you feel better.

I worked with a guy who was meticulous about how his desk was set up, he had OCD. So when he left me working late after he went home I would just rearrange his desk for him.

Emptying someone’s stapler of staples every night is extremely annoying/ satisfying (depending on whether its your stapler) as is adjusting the height of people’s chairs, changing the backdrops on computer screens and hiding coffee mugs. Ahh how I miss office high jinx.

Learn to partake in office banter because it will make the day go a lot faster. You will spend a lot of time with the people you work with, so try to find common ground with them. But don’t let banter become personal and insulting as that will lead you to getting into serious trouble.

I’ve been lucky to work in a variety of offices and jobs. I always had extra pressure put on me because I’m a sponge, I absorb it and get the job done. People know they can rely on me to stay till the job is finished.

Did I ever feel appreciated for my efforts? Sometimes but mostly not.

Would I advise taking on that much pressure and workload? Depends on who you are. But know that if you start being the office lackey it will always be expected of you. Same with working overtime and staying late, especially if its unpaid, if you start down that route it will always be expected of you.

If you can’t take that pressure then learn to say no. Even if that means saying no to your boss. But only if it is for the right reason and not just because you can’t be bothered. Don’t just say no, explain why you can’t take on the extra pressure.

It is better to tell someone you can’t get a job done than let them down. There is no shame in asking for help if you need it rather than struggling or making an unnecessary mistake.

If someone asks you to do a job they will not always provide you with all the information required to do that job. That is not an excuse for you to just ignore it. Especially when it is your boss that has given you the job in the first place. Saying ‘If he wanted me to do it he should have given me all the information’ is not an excuse for laziness. If he had all the information he would probably have done it himself.

The world does not owe you a living. You have your place in the world and it expects you to fulfill that role whatever that maybe. If you don’t work hard and put in the effort required to fulfill your role you will never achieve the success you think you are owed.

Bosses have a knack of noticing when you are 5 minutes late for work in the morning but forgetting you worked overtime every night for the last two weeks to help out. There has to be some give and take between a boss and your charge. But not to the point where people take the piss!

I’ve dealt with employment and payroll issues, people liked me doing it because they knew I was equally harsh and fair with everyone. No one would get away with taking the piss on my watch.

So yes finding your place in the world is hard but when you find it your life will change completely. I’m still not sure I found my place, whenever I think I have someone or something comes along and pulls the rug out from under me, everything comes crashing down around me and I have to start again.

Ask questions of people who have been where you are, it will help you figure out what you want or maybe what you want to avoid.

Take chances when you are young and try different careers until you find the right fit for you. If you collect skills like I have, it is easier to integrate into different markets and industries rather than solely focusing on a particular skill set.

If you are struggling with anything talk to someone. Whether it is something at work, work related stress or just feeling like your trapped in a job you hate with no way out there is someone who can help and who will listen, you just need to look for them.

It is never too late to make a career change, although the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Life is too short to be doing a job you hate. You give so much of your life and yourself to work that you need to get a bit of enjoyment out of it at least. Work to live not live to work.

Don’t be afraid to keep trying, one day you’ll find your place in the world and you wont ever want to leave it. You might not find it today or tomorrow but it’s out there waiting for you, so keep looking until you make it. You will only regret the chances you didn’t take.

Positivity

Too much of what has happened lately stripped me of my positivity. I had someone telling me they knew my own mind better than I know myself, which was never going to be the case. I might have allowed myself to be caught up in the situation and let them dictate to me but I never questioned what I knew to be true in my heart and mind. They just refused to listen.

I thought it would take me a long time to get over it and back to normal. But in actual fact I woke up this morning after sleeping through the night with a clear conscience and mind for the first time in months.

I didn’t miss or think about talking to that person. I’m sad they chose to not be a part of my life but they had too much of me for too long and they left me behind so they don’t get to have any more of my time and energy.

Already today I have edited 3 chapters of my novel, which I haven’t looked at in months.

I’ve made a to do list of all the jobs and things I have neglected in the last year whilst my focus was spent too much on wasted pursuits.

I’ve even been for a walk.

I’m ready to tackle the future now with a clear heart and mind. I feel like I can breathe and I have a now found enthusiasm for my writing projects that have been left to go cold for too long.

I’m back on track to actually send my novel out to generate interest in getting it published, I had wanted it to be done by October and I might have to slide that back but it will happen.

My children’s story has been neglected for too long and may even help me nail my dream job. My cousin’s little girl who inspired me to write it deserves better.

Even though she has no idea the story was written for her (no-one but me knows about it), it was always written with the intention of being published so she knew what she meant to me.

I got the idea for writing a story for her the first time I held her in my arms when she was about 3 weeks old, so tiny she could fit into the palm of my hand. I looked down and promised myself I would write and publish a story for her.

I’ve also decided to make a renewed effort with the people I neglected in my life lately, to go some way to making up for giving them a watered down version of me that they didn’t deserve.

I’ve reconnected with some music I hadn’t heard in ages thanks to Orphan Black a TV show I’m currently enjoying. If you haven’t seen it the second series is currently airing on BBC3 but you need to start from the beginning, I would recommend it.

I feel like I’m back to my old self, fighting fit and raring to go, ready for new challenges and whatever is coming my way.

I’m back writing and not just melancholy rubbish bourne from the frustration of being emotionally wrung through the mangle.  Proper writing.

As I look out my window the sun is fighting to come out and bring the sunshine back into my life and all I can do is smile and turn up the music!

Have a great day everyone!

Enjoy some Tears for Fears with me….

Sunday

I’m sitting here writing this in the garden in the sun, which means I’m squinting to see the screen and my hayfever is making me sneeze. I brought a laptop so I could write in different places, get out of my room and away from the constraints of a desktop PC but so far it’s the first time I’ve ventured outside to use it.

I woke up really late today. I’ve been so unsettled for the last few weeks I can’t even remember the last time I fell soundly asleep or slept a whole night without being woken up by unsettling thoughts. Now things have finally ended and my soul needs to heal. But the downside of getting too much sleep is that you don’t feel like doing anything and that has been my day, in fact I considered not getting up at all but couldn’t be bothered to stay in bed.

I thought I would have a DVD and junk food day, but I got through one DVD and got bored. I thought I would do some cross stitch but my mind wouldn’t focus. I couldn’t even muster the energy to check in with my friends like I do most Sundays and don’t even get me started on the piles of ironing demanding attention, my usual Sunday chore.

The cat won’t leave me alone, he keeps knocking my leg for attention but I don’t even have the energy to play with him. I haven’t really had the energy to do much at all lately. Which just makes me feel guilty because I am surrounded by things that I have been putting off and work that needs my attention and there is no-one else to do it.

I’ve been feeling disconnected from my own life and that’s a weird thing to feel. So many things I once loved have lost their interest for me. I haven’t even enjoyed reading in a while, and books are my life. It might be that the book I’m currently reading is a struggle for me as it’s not keeping my interest in fact I’m hoping it doesn’t go deeper than that.

I’m surrounded by bird calls, various flying insects, dogs barking, kids playing, people barbecuing and cutting their lawns and I feel like I’m in a bubble with everything happening around me, I’m not contributing to any of it. In a way I am in a bubble and have been for a long time now.

I find it hard to trust people and let them in, I have ever since my problems at school. I let someone in and things ended badly and now I feel like I no longer want to be myself. The person I am doesn’t feel good enough and I have no energy left to try to be better and why should I? I thought I was a good person but seeing as people find me so hard to deal with I can’t help but wonder if I actually am as good as I think. After all, it can’t always be everyone elses fault that things don’t work out.

My brother asked me last night what was wrong with me as I’d hardly said a word, anyone who knows me knows this is a rare occurrence because talking isn’t usually a problem for me. I can usually find something to talk about with the anyone. But last night I had nothing to say.

I couldn’t even begin to find the words to tell him what had happened and how I felt and I didn’t have the energy to try. So I sat in silence staring into the distance watching two men punch each other for money. I should point out I was at the Froch v Groves Match not just randomly watching men fight. I’ll write my review of that experience later.

To borrow the words of Sheryl Crowe ‘I feel like a stranger in my own life’ and I don’t really know where to start to change it. I can’t really see the point in trying to change it only to end up getting hurt again. I have a few paths that are opening up and I should be excited and I should be focussing on that but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for them before they have even started.

When one door closes another door opens or so they say, but what does that mean?

What if the door that just opened is worse than the door that just closed? What if the hurt I closed behind the door was only a fraction of the hurt that lies behind the door that just opened? Can I just stay in the lobby between doors because right now this feels like the safest place to be?

I can’t give up, crawl under a rock and stay there. I have a life. It’s not the life I chose or the life I wanted but it is my life. There are some wonderful parts of it that I wouldn’t change, but they have been getting a watered down version of me for a while now whilst I was focussing my time and effort on a friendship that in the end I couldn’t save.

A part of me knew it needed to end, that’s why I forced the hand, I realised I would never be understood. I know in my heart I did all I could to prove the friendship was worth the effort, and just saying that I realise how wrong that is.  It taught me that no matter what you do if someone doesn’t want to understand you they just wont, no matter how many times you explain they have the wrong idea. If someone chooses to ignore the problems in your relationship even though they know it will hurt you when all they need to do is talk to you then that’s when you have to walk away.

If the friendship was meant to work out it would have, all I know is I never want to end up here again.

That chapter of my life has closed, it wasn’t meant to end the way it did, I have regrets and there is hurt, maybe it’s the writer in me struggling with the bad ending. In real life there is no cut and paste, people have feelings and they get hurt. Sometimes that hurt becomes the making of them. Sometimes it chips another piece away from an already damaged soul. All I did was damage my soul.

If it were one of my stories I could have crafted the ending. I could have saved the day. I could have stopped myself from getting hurt, been understood and the friendship would have taken on a stronger direction, ultimately achieving the happiness I always thought I would find. I could even have crafted an ending where there was no hurt and instead the people drifted apart and found new people but I’m not always so optimistic in my writing.

I’m used to having a damaged soul so I’ll be fine. I’ll just pull up my walls and stop people from getting in again. When you experience the worst possible hurt you can at such a young age it becomes a familiar feeling. The older I get the more hurt I experience in all different ways, it’s the sad part about growing up. Your life becomes a series of experiences to learn from and not all of them end up putting a smile on your face.

All of the experiences you go through shape you into the person you are and as such not all of them will leave you with a positive outcome. Experience tells you one unshaken fact, you will wake up tomorrow and you will have to carry on. If I can wake up the day after losing my baby brother and carry on and eventually find a way to laugh again I can get over the hurt I feel now, because it doesn’t even come close.

Nothing will ever come close to being 7 years old and having to hold your family together, I truly wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It taught me to hide my feelings from others so that I could make life easier for them. It taught me to put other people’s needs before my own and I do this even now. I went through a course of therapy earlier in the year without the people I live with even realising I was depressed and in need of help. I relied on friends to support me through it instead and I’m grateful to every single one of them for their help.

No-one wants to listen to someone bleat on about having a broken heart or a damaged soul, so I apologise and promise to be more upbeat in the future, even if that means I fake it. Especially not when you could be listening to the birdsong in the sun.

If anyone has the number to call the Men in Black to erase my memory allowing me to forget, can you drop me a line, thanks ever so! I’m fairly sure once I forget what happened I’ll be able to find something close to peace again, I’m sure my friend already has.

I’ve just realised that our outside chairs are uncomfortable and I’m craving the comfort of my big leather writing chair and my desk. Even if that means I don’t get to listen to the bird call and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Maybe I’m not cut out to be the kind of writer who ventures out with my laptop capturing my mood as I travel. I might stick to a notebook and pen in future.

Something To Remember…

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The above graphic is very true.

You will have all sorts of relationships in your life and many people will come and go.

Remember to hold onto the ones who make an effort to care because those are the people you will miss one day.

Say yes to random offers sometimes, even if you don’t think you’ll like it you may just find it was the best decision you ever made!

Take a chance on someone because they may just be someone you’ll be glad you made an effort for one day.

Be nice to people and value their feelings as much as you do your own.

Don’t cause people pain if you can avoid it.

Don’t pretend things are ok when they aren’t, you aren’t helping the situation and someone will always get hurt.

Take the time to talk through your problems, your relationship will be stronger if you do and you’ll save time in the long run.

You won’t always be right, own your mistakes, don’t project your anger onto someone else and make them the fall guy when you don’t want to accept your actions.

No-one is perfect, no matter how much you think you are.

When you realise no-one is perfect and we all have faults you can appreciate the good qualities in your friends and learn to make allowances for the bad. Don’t kid yourself that they aren’t making allowances for yours!

Don’t waste your time and effort on people who show themselves to be unworthy, try to find the people who will appreciate you instead.

Don’t judge people, try to understand them, listen to them and learn about their journey, you don’t know what secrets they hold that may help you one day.

Remember that sometimes the most amazing and long-lasting relationships develop out of a strong friendship. Love is complicated and comes in many forms and sometimes you find it in the place you least expected.

Remember lust wears off over time, when you find love in a friend you will always have someone to share your life with.

If the lust wears off and you realise you have nothing left between you let go, it will be painful but its better than holding on and making each other bitter. Choose happiness!

We are all a little bit messed up, some more than others and some people are just better at hiding it.

We will all need help one day.

We will all have times in our life when we require patience from the people around us.

Don’t close the door on someone today you might need in the future because you gave up. You may never find anyone like them again. If you do your life will be that much better for having even more great people in it. That’s a win – win!

You will never regret holding on to a great friend.

True friendship is about quality and not quantity, true friendship lasts a lifetime, forgives all mistakes and pain it causes along the way because a true friend might get tired of your bullshit and need a break from time to time but they never forget the good stuff.

Be nice to people, it’s really not that hard and you never know what that person might give you in return.

If you  meet someone you can’t be nice to, leave them alone, don’t waste your time and energy on making their life a misery, you have no idea what they are dealing with.

If someone is important to you tell them, they may not feel exactly the same way about you, they don’t have to, they should respect your feelings enough to be honest and not take advantage of you.

You never know when you might have your last conversation with someone so never leave anything important unsaid because regret lasts a lifetime.

Who wouldn’t want to hear someone tell them they are a positive part of their life and they are glad to have them around?

Be the best person you can be every day and treat people how you want to be treated, if nothing else you’ll sleep better at night!

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