Tag Archives: love

A Dangerous Fortune by Ken Follett

This book is another masterpiece by Ken Follett, a story that stands alone instead of one of his epic trilogies.  I found it by chance when ordering the last book in his century trilogy and I’m glad I did.

It was full of suspense, murder and horrible people who you wanted to get their comeuppance. As I went to write this review I thought of what a good movie it would make and on googling the cover I noticed it has been turned into a TV movie released this year but it seems it was made for German TV. I hope one day it will find its way onto English TV!

As with all the books I’ve read by this author I couldn’t put it down and stayed up way too late wanting to read just one more page to see what would happen. It really has everything you could want from a novel Murder, Mystery, Suspense, Betrayal, Love, Manipulation, Wealth and Business.

I’ve been trying to coax all my friends who enjoy reading into exploring Ken’s work and I’ve finally found a book to introduce them that is smaller than the trilogy tomes and I’m sure by the end they’ll be working their way through the rest of the catalogue!

I’m on a self-imposed book buying ban as I have piles of unread books to wade through. But once I have it down to a few books I’ll be looking into the rest of the books Ken has written that I have yet to enjoy and diving in!


See Me by Nicholas Sparks


I love reading Nicholas Sparks novels. They hook you right in and before you know it you’re reading way past your bedtime, hoping to get to the end of the next chapter before you fall asleep.

This book was no exception. I loved the damaged characters and their complicated lives. I loved that it wasn’t the usual boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. As we know in real life it doesn’t always happen that way!

As with most of my reviews I don’t like to give away too much of the story as I think it spoils it if you know what is going to happen. That said as with most stories of this kind some of it you see coming and others is a curve ball surprise you don’t quite catch up with until the reveal.

I can see why a lot of his novels get turned into movies. The depth of character and challenging circumstances make for page turning reading but also a dramatic cinema experience.

The Notebook was my first experience of Nicholas Sparks. I remember seeing the movie trailer on TV with my sister and both of us laughing at how silly it sounded. That was until we both separately saw the movie after it’s DVD release. We couldn’t have been more wrong. It hooked us both and we regularly watch the movie now. I came across the book in a shop a long while after and once I read it I realised I preferred the movie. Since then I have mostly read the books before seeing the movies or watched the movie but not realised it was originally a book.

There are only so many ways you can write love stories, the differences lie in the characters, their back stories, and the way they are brought together. But that is what makes a well written romance story so good. Because everyone who reads it will feel something different. Some will empathise with their own personal experiences and others may look at it and wonder where their own knight in shining armour is.

Me personally, I find a comfort in these sorts of movies and books. I don’t like to watch them in groups, I like to sit and enjoy them alone so I can wonder. I often shed a few tears and eat chocolate, but that’s why I watch them. Because every now and again I feel a good cry helps to level me out and makes me feel better.

Having been in love with someone for 3 years who will probably never care for me in return I like the hope that I get from these books. It reminds me that sometimes no matter how hopeless a situation seems a new day can bring a change in events and things can work out how you always hoped. I also guard myself against the fact that our love may always be one-sided and I can live with that as long as I have my friend.

We all have an inbuilt need to be loved or at least accepted by other people. Sometimes no matter how hard you love someone it is never enough. But that’s what makes love so special when you find it. Anything that makes you feel that good should be worth a little effort!

Being Selfish, Depression and Life Lessons…

Ok I admit it, writing this blog is pretty selfish of me. I have no idea if anyone I know reads it, they have never mentioned it, although I suspect they have.

In all honesty when things are good in my life I tend not to write as much on here. A part of what this blog is about for me is coping with my life and the things that don’t always make me happy. Sometimes it’s easier to write than it is to face talking about it. I feel like it gets boring for people to keep helping me work through my life. Even if they are under strict orders to tell me if I ever become a burden!

It has never been meant to hurt anyone, it’s me processing my thoughts and feelings. That’s why on occasion I remove posts, normally they were written in anger and with a cool head the embarrassment creeps in and I remove them. I’m making more of a conscious effort to write posts over a period of time to make sure I don’t write something I go on to regret.

When I first realised I was depressed I began talking to people I’m close to about it. I realised that they were also suffering and they hadn’t shared that with me. I felt like I’d let them down because they didn’t feel like they could share with me which doesn’t help.

For some people talking about it isn’t something they are comfortable with so I don’t push. Sometimes you are both depressed at the same time and then it all gets a little weird. Like a joint party of sadness where you try to prove you are worse off. That’s normally when it becomes funny, but only certain people will get that.

Depression is a selfish frame of mind and you don’t always realise it. You don’t always notice that you’re depressed straight away, you can just be in a rut of a few low mood days. Or even worse it could just be your hormones acting up!

When your mood affects the mood of the people you care about, you realise you have let them down. It’s hard to see your mood affecting them which just makes everything worse. Especially when it makes them distance themself from you.

People often feel out of their depth to know what to say or do to help but the best thing is to let them talk. You can’t fix it or snap someone out of depression so let them talk. Try and encourage them do one thing every day you know they enjoy.

Honestly, letting them know you are there for them is important, because when they feel better they will always remember that. Even if you didn’t know what to say or do, you were there.

Everyone is selfish at times but I think most women would say it is an overdeveloped trait in men. One they sadly never grow out of. I’m sure men equally think women are selfish!

When you are young and immature the selfishness comes from the need to be the centre of attention and have the world revolve around you and what you want. Nothing is more important than your needs and how you feel, your opinion is the only one that matters because you are always right.

You don’t notice how your actions affect the people around you. You also rarely apologise or try to make amends for the things you did wrong even when you do realise. You just carry on as if nothing happened or make a token effort to show your sorry.

Youth gives you the uncanny knack of thinking that you are invincible and that nothing can touch you. Anything you don’t like you just dismiss as being irrelevant. Anyone who poses a threat to your happiness is easily ignored. What do they say about youth being wasted on the young!

But in order to learn from your mistakes you have to first make them. Listening to the wise words of those who’ve had more birthdays than you isn’t very cool, even if you often end up realising they were right all along!

How many times have you looked back on how you acted when you were younger and wished you did something differently? How many times did you wish you could go back with what you know now and fix a situation? How many times did you wish you could heal a friendship or relationship you let go?

I have so many regrets that I didn’t do things better when I was younger.

Holding grudges is selfish, punishing people for their mistakes is selfish, taking control of the power in a relationship is selfish, always putting your needs before others is selfish, always taking and never giving back is selfish, giving someone false hope is selfish, making promises you have no intention of keeping is selfish, constantly attacking someones personality is selfish, walking away and not talking things through is selfish, belittling someone because of how you feel about yourself is selfish, being abusive in all its forms to the people who care about you is selfish.

But we all do some of that to a degree without even noticing. We have an inbuilt need to feel superior and think we should be more important, but of course not everyone acts on those impulses all of the time.

None of us are immune from bad behaviour. We all display weakness of character at times. The mark of a person is how they forgive and if they try to make amends when they realise they have done wrong. Forgiveness is not easy to do especially when the person you need to forgive is yourself. But trust me forgiving the right people for the right reasons will always be worth it.

People change, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Sometimes it’s not the person that changes but the life they find themselves in, and the pressure of coping with the change affects how they behave. They might start being aggressive, moody, even withdrawn and you may feel like they are a different person. But underneath they are the same person you always knew, figuring out how to cope.

There are some situations you find yourself in that force you to grow quicker than you know how, to fulfil a demand on you and that is difficult for anyone to cope with. You are bound to lose a bit of yourself in the change, but no matter what changes your life goes through, you can always choose to be the same person in spite of the change. You don’t have to lose who you are.

Stress is never a good thing. My doctor told me earlier in the year that stress was contributing to my feeling unwell, and advised a change of job as it didn’t suit me. Stress becomes a part of you if you let it. It can physically manifest itself in the aches and pains of your body or the changes in your personality. In order to keep yourself healthy you need to find an effective way to cope with your stress when it arises.

Life is about finding a balance between the person you need to be for yourself and the person the people in your life need you to be. It’s easier said than done, when it feels like all the people around you want something from you, and you only have a little bit of yourself to share around. That is when honest communication becomes important, and often gets overlooked.

There is no problem so big or so small that can’t be resolved with some healthy conversation with the right people. In fact sometimes it ends up being the best thing you ever did. A different perspective on a problem can often show you a solution you never considered before. An understanding and sympathetic ear might be just what you need to help make sense of the situation, even if they can’t offer a solution. Sometimes just by talking it through and hearing your thoughts out loud a solution becomes clearer to you.

Work should be a means to an end and not the sole focus of your life. You need to remember to do the things that make you happy too. No one wants to look back in 5, 10, 15 years time and realise they have achieved everything they set out to in their career, but at the expense of friendships, relationships and a personal life.

It isn’t often that people manage to make a success of their career, achieve all their goals and have a happy and fulfilling family life. I’ve worked with so many people who spent too much time at work and not enough time with family. They all say the same thing, ‘I’m missing out on my kids growing up’. My reply was always the same, stop putting work first and spend time with your family for a while and you will feel so much better.

It can be a very lonely life if you let it and although a job can give you the funds to buy the house, car and life you want it won’t keep you warm on a cold night. A job won’t run to the door to meet you at night with a big smile on its face because you are home. It won’t hold you after a bad day and tell you everything will be alright and it won’t look after you when you’re old.

In order to succeed in life you need to have a core of supportive people around you who will pick you up on the days when you need it. People you can rely on to be there no matter what. Who won’t get mad at you when you go missing in action and cancel dinner dates at the last-minute. Who will remember to buy presents for family birthdays because you didn’t get time or set reminders in your diary of important things so you don’t forget. Those people will help take the pressure off when you feel like you are sinking in the mud with no way out.

It might seem like fun to have one relationship after another or endless one night stands when you are young. But one day you might look back and wish you did things a little differently. Life moves faster than you ever think possible. You might keep thinking you have time to meet the right one, but maybe you never will. Maybe they were there all along and you overlooked them!

Never underestimate someone who wants to help you on your journey, and asks for nothing but your time when you can spare it in return. There aren’t many people in life, who are happy to give up their time to help others succeed without an ulterior motive. Most people enjoy watching others fail or using people to enhance their own lives.


I’ve always believed that we can go further in life if we help people achieve their potential. You never know when a compliment might be the match that ignites someone’s confidence to reach out and achieve a dream. You never know when checking in on someone to see if they are ok, could become the spark of inspiration they need to get past the mental block they were stuck in.

You will get much more from life if you learn to ask for help from the right people when you need it. It isn’t a sign of weakness but a sign of strength in yourself and knowing your limitations. If someone offers to help, take them up on it, they may not offer again!

No one has to walk life’s road alone, baring the brunt of all their worries, sharing them with the people who care about you will help to lighten the load. Because maybe they were all being a little to selfish to notice you were struggling. Or you’ve become so good at hiding it that they didn’t know where to look for the signs. Maybe they would love to be given the chance to help you.

I’ve always believed that companies should utilise staff to the best of their ability and talent and that way everyone will have a better work life. Just think if you hate doing excel reports but someone else loves it how much happier you would both be to trade roles for a while! You would both create better work and save time by getting the right people doing the job.

Holding onto your anger for someone and punishing them for it is selfish. Don’t let someone you care about become a part of your history because you are too stubborn to talk and resolve your issues. Maybe all you can hope for at the end of it is a clean ending but that’s better than holding on to anger and hating someone.

One thing I’ve learned is you always end up forgiving the people you love, no matter what they do to hurt you or how hard they push you away. When you have a real connection with someone, then you know what behaviour is really them or when they are just acting out.

You forgive the acting out because you connected with the person underneath all the bullshit, the person whose smile lights a room and fills your heart with happiness. True, honest and genuine friendships are so hard to find and it only gets harder as you get older.

No relationship is ever perfect, you will always have to compromise, but often those weird and annoying things you learn to live with become what you miss, because they make the person unique!

I got complimented on my weird sense of humour this week and I made someone smile because I told them I’m the kind of person who gets into trouble for enjoying my life. I make far too many jokes, harmlessly flirt too easily, laugh too loudly and enjoy a practical joke every now and again.

It’s why I ended up getting sent to work in the naughty corner at my last job, people said we were having too much fun at work. I’d call that a good thing! I was increasing our productivity by keeping everyone smiling. It’s one of the reasons that my colleagues were sad to see me go, they had no one to raise their spirits on the stressful days.

Love is a strange thing, it brings you the most pleasure and happiness you could ever imagine, but with it is comes the constant threat of pain deeper than anything you have ever experienced before. Real love never goes away, no matter how much time passes.

How many times have you seen someone go through life still being in love with someone they lost? Years could pass by, you could be happy with someone else and if the opportunity arose to have that person back in your life, some people would still take that risk.

‘I never stopped loving you’ is a powerful phrase. We all have an inbuilt need to be loved. Yet we allow ourselves to love those who never love us back. That has to be one of the most cruel experiences in life, unrequited love.

Although sometimes it’s the people you never thought you saw a future with that turn out to be the one you wanted all along. Love is sometimes blind to what is right in front of it.

Sometimes it’s a case of right person but wrong time. Only in life there is no such thing as a right time, sometimes you just have to take a risk, give it a proper chance, talk it through and find a way to make it work.

I know two couples who are happily married now, but when they first met they used to avoid each other as neither of the women liked the men! In the passage of spending time together they realised how they really felt. One of the couples is my grandparents who have been happily married for over 60 years.

Someone once told me that you don’t fall in love with people by spending time with them. I didn’t correct them but perhaps I should. They really were missing the point.

I suppose in a way loving someone is selfish. You love them and want them to love you back. You expect them to put in the effort you do to making things work. When they don’t you get disappointed and blame them for not being who you want them to be. But that isn’t fair, you can’t blame someone for being themself. Neither can you love someone you are constantly trying to change.

There are some people who love having people do everything for them and never have the intention to return that affection. They haven’t evolved enough to realise that all relationships/ friendships/ partnerships are based on compromise. Or should I say a healthy amount of compromise on both sides. Not just one person always compromising or letting the other person have their own way for a quiet life. People in those situations often end up living unhappy lives filled with arguments and anger because they didn’t have the life skills to find a better way.

I’m starting to think I might be selfish for wanting to have him in my life when he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me in his. I thought we were just giving each other space for a while and by the time my birthday came around we’d be able to pass the time of day at least. Maybe caring for him was always selfish of me. Maybe I was always the one in the wrong.

Maybe I have to learn to accept that no matter what I thought the future was for our relationship he didn’t feel the same way. I thought I’d met someone who would always be in my life, a friendship that would grow with the changes in our lives. Someone I could always count on to make me smile and who knew I was there if they ever needed me.

I found myself looking for him in the crowded shopping centre on Friday. I scanned faces and did double takes of anyone who vaguely matched his height and build. But what would I have done if I saw him? I have no idea. Probably just smiled and carried on walking with tears in my eyes.

I went to Portobello Market yesterday. There was a big group of us, yet I found myself walking alone in the crowded market feeling heavy under the weight of my own sadness, and wondering if I will ever feel true happiness again. We passed the turn off towards his house on the way and a part of me wondered, if I drove past would I get to see him again one last time. I don’t think it would help if I did.

I don’t think I will ever understand why he left. How we went from being close friends to strangers in such a short space of time and without being able to say for sure the reasons why. It gives me such a heavy heart. Yet I can’t fully believe that we will never speak again. Maybe its a selfish part of me needing to feel like I meant something to him after all our years of friendship.

I think it’s more of a case of  me knowing that you don’t have the sort of friendship we had with many people in life. It might not always have been smooth sailing, we both made mistakes. We had time apart before but we always made it back to each other. Each time we learned a little more about each other and things were better because of it. I can’t help wondering what would have happened if we sat down and talked properly, instead of second guessing each other.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy, some things are worth the effort and for me our friendship was always that. Something that special shouldn’t just be given up on when times get tough. I’ve never fought for anything in my life-like I have to keep our friendship alive, because nothing has ever touched my heart enough to warrant the effort. I wouldn’t have been able to succeed all this time unless it meant something to him too.

I guess that’s why I don’t want to let go. Walking away and giving up is taking an easy way out. Only this time I don’t know how to keep the fight going. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Maybe doing nothing is the right thing to do right now, no matter how wrong it feels.

I saw a programme this week where a footballer was talking about his depression and how it affected his life. He got to the point where he was planning suicide. I’ve heard those thoughts are common in sports people when they retire or get injured.

Being a professional in any sport requires single-minded dedication to succeed from a young age. Often you retire in your 30’s, sometimes with little education and no transferable skills. If you were not careful with your money then there is a lot of life ahead of you that needs to be filled and not much in the way of job prospects. It would be an immense pressure on anyone to find themselves in that situation.

I could understand completely where he was coming from. He said his depression stemmed from a desire to achieve and succeed in playing football. Not being able to achieve what he wanted made him feel like he let everyone down and that made him feel inferior.

I think that is often the route of my depression. I dreamed my life to be better than it is. I have things I always wanted to achieve and places I wanted to go. I haven’t been able to find the chances in life to make those things happen and I feel like I’ve let myself down.

I’ve largely been unlucky. Not always having the confidence to push myself hasn’t helped. I’m much better at building other people up and supporting them in achieving their goals than I am in driving my own. But for the first time I had the right support around me and I managed to make good headway this year to achieving my goals. Only to have it all come crashing down.

Not because I wasn’t good at what I do, but because of office politics. That was hard to take. To give my all to a company where I was made promises of having a future, to having work taken off me and eventually being let go, all whilst being told how good I am at what I do. I just couldn’t cope.

Finally I had the chance to improve my life and it was taken away from me. I could understand if I’d done something wrong but I had exceeded the expectations of my colleagues, evolved my position beyond the job description to make the lives of my colleagues easier, become an integral part of connecting the departments and it still wasn’t enough to keep my job. If I was running a business there is no way I would have let a member of staff who showed that much potential leave my company.

So now I have to find another opportunity to show what I can do and it isn’t that easy. I fell into that job at the right time, it was a unique experience that I will never find again. It would take years elsewhere to get the recognition and promotion I managed in little over a month. In fact being promoted on my birthday last year was pretty cool.

I remember saying to my friend if he ever needed a PA then I wanted first dibs on the job. It’s a shame he doesn’t need one now. I think with our brains, his good looks and confidence we’d go far!

I know at times I can be selfish but I would say more often than not I’m not selfish enough. I don’t put myself first enough. I don’t like being selfish. I always try to make sure I ask about other people and not just talk about myself. Even when sometimes I’m desperate to talk something through I put that aside to put the other person first.

I know some of my limitations. I don’t cope well with stress. I need to be able to talk to people about it and work it through and I need support when I’m feeling low. When you are always there to provide support to others you don’t think it will be an issue when you need some support in return, but that is a selfish way of looking at life. Because you should do it because you want to and not to get something in return.

So yes at times I’m selfish and I make mistakes, I’m human. I’m also loyal to those I care about which seems to be an under appreciated quality in modern society.

I blame social media for that. If you’re loyal then you are seen as desperate and clingy to some people, who aren’t mature enough to see that loyalty is a rare commodity and it should never be underestimated.

I guess we can’t blame them, young people today have no interest in the past. My brother hates talking about anything that happened more than 5 years ago as it is ‘no longer relevant’. Whenever you talk about a funny story from when he was small he just gets angry which I find weird. Just because it happened more than 5 years ago doesn’t change its relativity to your current situation. In fact all your experiences made you who you are now.

Every event in your life and the world has made you who you are now and you can’t discredit any of it. You have no idea what impact would have been made on your life had it not happened. If the internet didn’t exist for example, I couldn’t write this post for you now. I’m assuming of course that someone out there will read it!

I find it short-sighted of the youth of today to discredit history’s affect on their current situation. I think it’s a shame that a lot of young people see reading as a waste of time, because I think reading truly helps to educate you to be a better person.

I’ve learned a lot about human nature and life by reading. Even fiction books show you how different types of people react in different situations as all writing is born with a little bit of truth in it.

I also think young people take themselves and life way too seriously. They talk endlessly in short hand but end up saying nothing, and have whole conversations using nothing but emojis but lose the art of having a proper conversation. They can’t spend time with people without playing with their phones. It makes sense why a lot of young people struggle to cope with the pressures of life when they aren’t learning proper life skills any more.

Someone commented to me the other day that social media is a barrier to life. Instead of going out and meeting people face to face, people just talk online. In the future people will no longer remember how to have a proper conversation. When I’m out with friends I only check my phone before I’m due to go home. I have someone in front of me who deserves my full attention.

I also read that a lack of physical contact can be a cause of depression. I can relate to that a bit. There are periods of time when I don’t go out enough to do fun things, due to one reason or another. As soon as I spend more time out having fun I feel better.

It’s a shame that nights out are so expensive and tickets are so hard to come by. I have only managed one football match this season as I never have enough points to buy tickets before they sell out.

I think it’s a shame that we no longer have the stability of jobs for life. The fast paced world of today doesn’t sit well with being behind the same desk day in, day out doing the same job your whole working life. But the bigger issue is that companies are disloyal to employees and that promotes unproductive workplaces and causes people to change jobs on a regular basis. Too many people are out to serve their own purpose without looking at the wider picture.

Some of the worst people I’ve worked with have that mentality. They stay at somewhere just long enough for the company to realise they are under qualified for the job and move on in search of more money. I used to enjoy reading CV’s of job applicants and writing questions for the interview panel. Having written a lot of CV’s I can often tell when people are trying to hide something. Never kid a kidder I always say!

That implies I lie on my CV, I don’t. I can’t stand lying. I’m not very good at it, it’s too much pressure to remember the lies, I prefer to be truthful, then you can have a clear conscience.

There have been a few things that happened this week that made me think. Conversations I’ve had with people and my job interview. I think I’m wearing my brain out with all the over use it’s getting and it takes me nowhere good most of the time. I think that’s why I wanted to write this post. To share some of the thoughts that have been stealing my sleep this week.

I read something that said when you miss someone the frustration of that loss keeps you awake at night. I find it starts my mind racing with no way of me turning the bloody thing off! An over active mind steals all your energy by making situations worse than they are and it steals your happiness. It’s bloody infuriating and I can only control it some of the time. Luckily it was Halloween this weekend so I could pass the dark circles under my eyes off as the ‘zombie’ look!

I Just Don’t Understand…

Yesterday was tough. I just feel completely drained and empty. It didn’t help that I haven’t slept much lately. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were just bloodshot red, I almost didn’t recognise myself. I feel like I have been punched in the face my eyes hurt so much.

I spoke to my friend, we talk almost every day. I would be lost without her. I told her I feel like life is happening around me and that I’m only living in parts. I don’t understand how I feel so unconnected to my own life.

I need to find a job, only I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember what I’m good at any more.

I have always had big dreams for my life. There are so many places I wanted to go, people I wanted to meet and things I wanted to do, but I don’t remember them now. I’ve always wanted to be successful and saw myself living in a nice house with a nice car and a loving family.

I’ve always wanted to be my own boss and I was for 10 years. I decided to be my own boss again and I was energised by the planning and believed I could make it work.

I turned to him for support, he’s a business man, it made sense and he wanted to be kept in the loop as to how I was getting on. Having someone to call on for advice is always good.

It was all good, until it wasn’t. I don’t understand why he didn’t just say in the beginning that he couldn’t help me, why ask to be kept in the loop and make it seem like he was interested in helping me?

He had been there for me before, helped to build me up and make me the best version of myself and that support would be invaluable to me now.

In the meantime I need a job. I was building a career a few months ago and now I just need a job. Something without any pressure, where I can just sit and do something and go home. I don’t have anything else to offer right now.

I told my friend last night that I don’t know who I am any more. She told me I’m a loving and creative person. Losing one of my best friends has made me question who I am and what I could have done to drive him away.

I know I said some things I didn’t mean which could’ve been hurtful when I felt attacked, and saying I didn’t mean them now is probably far too late. The rest I think I was just honest, maybe too honest, maybe too harsh but I can’t take it back. Maybe he thinks I blame him for how I feel but I don’t, I never have and I never would.

I don’t understand and I think I need to. No one understands what the connection was between us, I don’t even think we fully do. But I know that you don’t go through what we did over the last few years with many people in life. You don’t forge that sort of connection for no reason and you don’t keep coming back to it unless it means something. He felt like a part of my family and not just a friend in how I grew to care for him. There are so many things in my life that make me think of him.

I don’t understand how someone can say they care for you and they will be there for you, show you they mean it in their actions at times and then cut you out their life. I don’t understand how something so good, that lasted so long could just be over forever over a silly disagreement which could have been resolved.


The last time it happened we didn’t speak for six months. I missed him everyday. But when we argued back then he didn’t block all contact and leave stinging status updates for me to see. They really hurt and I didn’t deserve that. I’m not proud of my childish reaction to them.

I understand life changes and people get busy, I know sometimes they can’t be there when you need them but people who care don’t just leave. People who care stay and work through the bad times, they talk through their problems and they forgive, they hug, make up and things are better. Sometimes you need space to breathe but you always find your way back.

It’s not his fault I am where I am right now. A series of events brought me here. But missing him and the support he gave me isn’t helping. I need his tough love and positivity to snap me out of it. I need to remember what it felt like to see a message from him and light up like Christmas with excitement.

I have enough tough days ahead without missing someone who may or may not come back to my life. Maybe he’s right and he is better off without me. Maybe I imagined myself to be more important than I am and it was easy for him to let me go. But then again, he did keep coming back.

Maybe he thinks I’m better off without him. I will never be better off not having him in my life. It’s like living without a part of me.

In order to be proactive I helped my grandparents with decorating their house as it’s in need of some TLC. It felt good to be able to help someone again.


After a trip to the GP for some test results and a dose of vitamins I spent what must have been half an hour trying to explain to my Nan she had taken the wrong medication.  It couldn’t be easier, the medication is in pots separated into day sections and the day is broken into Morning, Afternoon, Evening and Bedtime.

I didn’t think it would be a problem. Until I realised she forgets what day it is. So she checks to see if she took her medication and if she got the day mixed up she takes the tablets.

I don’t understand how else I can explain it. I tried writing it down, she watched me putting the medication in pots explaining each tablet in detail, I explained to her with the aid of a calendar but nothing seemed to go in.

She makes me feel like a monster as she pretends to cry and gets agitated as you explain what she needs to do. I have to keep reminding myself I’m doing it for her own good and to keep her healthy. It would be so easy to let her get on with it and leave her to it for a quiet life but I pulled the ‘bad cop’ short straw.

The only thing I could do is leave them for my granddad to give her the strip of mediation each day. He’s more than capable to mange the situation but if that doesn’t work then I don’t know what to do. I don’t live near enough to go and give her the medication every day.

I suppose that is the one good thing about my current situation. Having the time to invest in all the appointments to resolve her health issues. That’s how I became ‘bad cop’. It wasn’t a job I wanted but spending two days in a row there I saw how much that was needed.

It’s also about finding a way to support my granddad with caring for her. He bares the brunt of it all, with us visiting every week, so it’s important to look after him as well. Seeing him energised and throwing himself into decorating again was nice, it gave him something useful to do. As someone who worked into his 70’s in a physically demanding job he needs that from time to time.

I drove home emotionally drained with tears in my eyes. I ached to get home and talk to him about anything but my day because I knew he would make me feel better. After spending more than two years sharing my life with him I can’t believe that I don’t have that support network there when I need it.

That’s what you do with your best friends, you talk, not always about your problems but you don’t need to because they make you feel better anyway, just by being there. I don’t think he ever realised that. Just by being there he made a bad day better. Knowing I could call on him if I needed to meant the world to me.

I even found myself being jealous of my friend this week. She had a fight with her partner, there were some huge and very real problems between them and in the end it was a real mess. But she told me how they worked it all out. I was so pleased for her getting her happy ending, she deserves it after what has been 3 years of a good/ bad time roller-coaster.

I’ve never been jealous of anyone before, it’s a waste of time and energy. I hated myself for feeling that way but in that moment I just wanted to have my own happy ending. I wanted to get in my car and drive across town to see him, to scream and shout and fight until we resolved our issues and were friends again.

It’s my birthday next month and I keep meaning to sort out something to do to get everyone together. But there is one special event I wanted to share with him, I’m not brave enough to invite anyone else to do it with me. My other bestie would do it with me but she lives in the US.

I also want to go for cocktails in The Shard but my favourite cocktail, Pina Colada reminds me of him. You need to commiserate with friends on your birthdays when you get to my age. People who understand your wrinkles and can forewarn you of the troubles ahead and regale you with hilarious life stories.

Mind you the last birthday I had in London with friends we got in trouble for lowering the tone and almost got kicked out of the bar. They didn’t like my birthday tiara, luckily they didn’t look too closely at the straws in our champagne glasses! I have some great friends!

I need to find a way out of this mess. I need to find myself again. I need to keep spending time with people who care about me and remembering to do one thing a day for me that makes me smile. I know this is just a blip and it will all work out. I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know I’m the only one who can fix it, no matter how much I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do.

I want to be the girl who gets in trouble for laughing too loudly and makes everyone smile again. Starting tonight over dinner and drinks.

Listening to the radio in the car doesn’t exactly help. They seem to keep playing sad songs that make you remember what you lost…

Love in it’s many forms…

Love is the thing that most of us spend our whole lives chasing. Yet we often fail to realise is all around us in its many forms.

It is one the most painful parts of life, given that most of the things you love will either leave you or die, and yet it’s an addiction that we keep searching for. After all who wouldn’t want to hold onto the things and people in life that contribute to their happiness in a positive way?

Happiness and love, if you could bottle them and sell them you would never be poor again!

Today love was talking to a Macmillan Nurse about how I can help my Nan. The conversation is a precursor to a meeting with the GP this week. But today we talked about ‘end stages’ and making decisions on ‘quality of life’ as a family.

It all seems so far away given she is currently asymptomatic but in reality it is a clock we have been trying to ignore since the start of the year. That’s what happens when the cancer comes back, you have a clock over your head which no one can see, ticking away to a time that no one knows, when the clock just stops.

We all have a ticking clock, our own schedule for meeting our maker and none of us know when or where that will be. None of us ever wants to be faced with making the decision for the end of our lives and yet in some ways it is the most important decision you will ever make not just for you but also for your family and the people who love you.

Power of attorney was another idea we discussed. My sister advocates everyone having a living power of attorney, given we never know when it might become useful. It’s something I have considered for myself.

I have no idea how I am supposed to have the conversation with my family though. How do you ask someone who is in themself well how they would like to die? I think that conversation will have to wait a while so we can deal with the more pressing issues in hand.

I’ve thought about death myself, having my brother die at a young age made me realise that it can happen to anyone. I don’t fear it, it’s inevitable, but I do hope it’s painless and that the people I care about the most are not left in any doubt that I loved them to the best of my ability, even if I made a mess of it at times.

I might even write my own eulogy and make them read it out. I’d hate to think of people being upset, I’d rather they came in fancy dress and had a big party. Imagine the looks they would get stood around my grave dressed as zombies, ghosts, devils etc I would certainly find that funny looking down on them. Definitely no lilies, I can’t stand them, they give me a headache.

I might even make a playlist of all the songs I love and make them listen to it! The worst funeral song I’ve heard was Who’s Sorry Now, it was their favourite song but thoroughly depressing. Lyrically it’s one of the most bitter songs I’ve ever heard.

I’ve been talking to my friend a lot lately about how I feel. Trying to work out what I did to end up where I am now, directionless and lost in my own life. We’ve talked about how I absorb other people’s issues and make them my own and how I need to stop. Knowing that she is experiencing some of what I am at the same time is a help.

Even when love is bad for you it still fills your life. Even when you know that walking away is the best thing for you it isn’t easy to do. Knowing you deserve to be treated better, not attacked verbally, emotionally or physically doesn’t make it any easy to walk away.

Because all types of love, good and bad leave shadows in your life and you never know how quickly the scars are going to heal. Nothing is ever all bad, sometimes the good is worth fighting for and sometimes you have to know when to give up.

I’m reading the Chimp Paradox, which I will review when I’m done. It’s helping me to understand that there really isn’t anything wrong with me. People can sometimes make me feel like there is because I have a big capacity to love and sometimes people struggle with how to accept that. It doesn’t make me a bad person for caring. I have to be honest with myself and do what makes me happy.

We’ve also talked about how other people interacting with us isn’t always about us. Sometimes people project their failings, anger, hurt, frustration onto the nearest or easiest target to allow them to feel like it is someone else’s problem but theirs. If you’re lucky you’ll get an apology when things calm down and you can decide whether to accept and heal or reject and move on.

There are times in life when accepting you are at fault is not something you are capable of seeing or doing. There are also times when you might feel like you want to make amends and either don’t know how or are too stubborn to try.

It makes me sad to think of all the times people could make things better by apologising and making amends rather than hurting people, which is a waste of everyone’s energy.

I’ve talked to people who have cut all ties with people they were close with and even they have times when they miss talking to that person and the bond they once had. It is almost impossible to remove someone who made their way into your heart. No matter how much time passes that person is always there.

I’ve never wanted to be someone who lives with regrets. There really isn’t much I regret in life. But this phase I am living in now feels like it might end up making the list. For a combination of reasons I’ve lost sight of who I am and what I want. Whereas I had such a clear idea of what that was a short time ago now I have no clue. I don’t see my future anymore and I don’t mean that as I feel like I’m going to die.

I mean it in the way that all the recurring dreams I had of places I was going to go, the people who I was going with, even the child I saw have all gone. The vivid dreams I’ve always had, a lot of which came true, have all left me and now I don’t dream any more. It’s unsettling not having that movie going on in my head every night, without it I feel like a huge part of me is missing.

I don’t even know how to make the dreams come back, I’ve never consciously done anything to promote them, eating cheese before bed or drinking milk, I’ve never taken drugs. I’ve just always dreamed. As a child my dad would play Supertramp – ‘Dreamer’ at me all the time. I remember him telling me that being a day dreamer would never get me anywhere but he was wrong. My dreams were what gave me my drive to keep trying and showed me the things I wanted the most. Without them I don’t know what I want.

I’ve also talked to my friend about the unconditional love of our parents, who if we are lucky nurture and protect us in an environment filled with love, expressed to its fullness. If we aren’t as lucky the love is more implied that expressed, we know it’s there it just isn’t as visible. But there are some people who never get to see that unconditional love at all. Instead they are beaten and broken at a young age by the people who nature intended to protect them.

We disagree, my friend and I on why people treat others badly. She believes if you are a good person you are incapable of hurting someone else. I believe that you can be a good person and hurt someone without realising it and learn how to avoid doing it again. I think there are times when we all chose to hurt someone for one reason or another in a fit of chimp rage.

She believes that some people enjoy hurting others as it feeds their ego, having power over people and that they never get to experience true feelings and emotions. I’m sure there are people like that out there, I feel sorry for them, because at the end of the day they will never let themselves be happy or know what that feels like. Instead they choose to push away the people who might just be the best thing in their lives if they gave it a proper chance.

How many times could we have avoided the heartache in our lives by sitting face to face with the person we care about and talking to them, calmly and honestly about how we feel and what we want, and coming to a mutually beneficial arrangement and sticking to it?! Yeah I know, never going to happen but it would be nice if it did!

We also disagree on the influence of bad parenting on children and adults to a degree. I think most people grow into an adult hoping to avoid the mistakes of their parents and doing the opposite to what they didn’t like about their life growing up. She believes that you follow the example you were set by your parents and treat people how you saw people being treated.

I’m not convinced. I’ve seen instances of people treating others badly because that is how they were treated. But ultimately you reach an age where your actions are your own, you made those choices and you have to accept them. The example you were set doesn’t have to define you forever, you can choose to better yourself and break the cycle. You just need to want to change and that’s the part where most people fail, you can’t make someone change who they are.

I don’t believe asking someone to change who they are is the answer. You can’t love someone in an idea of what they are and mould them to it over time. When you love someone you love them as they are, faults and all because no one is without faults. However, the parts of them that you adore should outweigh the parts you make allowances for.

I heard about a couple the other day who fought over whether or not to keep the cardboard cover over the top of a milk bottle. The woman keeps it on under the bottle cap, the man throws it away. This was causing stress and arguments between them. Life is too short for petty battles over milk. Accept there are different ways of doing it and live your life.

I’ve seen what happens when little arguments start. It goes from one thing to another and before you know it your life is a series of little arguments over petty things. I hate the way people fold the towels in the bathroom so I quite often just re-fold them, it saves a constant argument that no one listens to. They do it their way and I correct it when they aren’t looking! Do they ever notice, no, does it make me feel better, yes. Problem solved!

We are all a product of the environment we live in and the experiences we have had in our lives. If we are never shown love, we can’t possible hope to show love to others.

But it isn’t only giving and receiving love, you also have to love yourself in order to grow as a person. I think there are times in life when loving yourself is harder than giving your love to other people. Sometimes the way you feel love for yourself is the way you are with other people. Let me explain what I mean…

I would consider myself to be a helpful person. I read a lot and I’m always picking things out for people they would find interesting or sharing books, recommending films, looking for that special present or experience that a certain person would appreciate. I probably spend more time thinking about other people than I do myself. I’m the fixer in the group, the one that keeps bringing everyone together. I’ve been told I’m someone who people know they can rely on when needed.

To me being able to make someone feel special, even if it is for a second when they realise you paid attention to something they enjoy makes me feel good about myself. I love myself the most when I am able to help the people around me be the best they can be or experience something they love.

I’ve been lucky to experience a lot of special moments with my parents, concerts, theatre, comedians, holidays, restaurants, too many to mention. I’ve got some wonderful memories of all of my family, things we’ve done together, places we’ve been, shared experiences everyone is priceless.

I sent my friend in the US DVD’s of her favourite UK TV show because they aren’t released in the states and got a lovely response in return. Or the time I sent a friend a poster to wish him luck for his new office, I got a thank you photo of it placed where he would see it every day. I even became known as ‘the library’ in the office for sharing around my books to people who I thought would enjoy them.

I think I am a bit of everything when it comes to love. I have had people openly express their love for me, hide it, deny it, ignore it, give it and take it away again but through it all I kept giving my love in return. When love is threatened or lost it takes months and sometimes years to make peace with it and find a way to keep going.

You don’t ever forget it, but you reach a place in time when remembering is no longer painful. It would just be nice if you could cut straight to that.

I’m all kinds of awkward in social situations at times, I talk too much, laugh too loud, get people in trouble for being cheeky, I can be a bit weird, have a slightly devious sense of humour and get carried away at times with being happy. But one thing is for sure, you will never forget me and if I ever loved you I probably didn’t forget you either! Oh and if I was naughty it was my chimp that did it!

It’s Always Been Her: Why You Should Love The Girl Who Waited For You…

I read this article the other day and it touched me in a way it probably didn’t others. I know what it feels like to wait for the person you care for, the pain that goes with it and the hope that one day they will be in the same place as you and things will finally happen.

Life and love can be incredibly difficult, sometimes the heart wants something the head knows it will probably never have and while the feelings never go away they lesson in time. But all it takes is that one contact to take you right back into the moment again.

It always surprises me just how much a heart will forgive when it lets someone in. How it lets you forget all the sleepless nights, tears and hurt with just one message that makes you smile and brightens your day.

I don’t know much about love but I do know that finding someone who wants to be there for you, to love you as you are with all your flaws is almost impossible.

Some people manage it, others settle, some love without being loved in return and some never find even that.

I’m glad I found someone who brings out those feelings in me. I waited two years for us to make a go of things and although we might never make it work I know in my heart anyone else will be second best. That is why when things are going well it is so good and when things go quiet I hurt so much.

I’ve tried to walk away, I’ve hurt myself to build walls and push him away, I’ve thought and over thought every possible situation until all I do is cry myself to sleep at night.

Yeah, I do realise how pathetic and ridiculous that makes me but hey I’m flawed I don’t intentionally do it.

No one said being in love is easy but there are times when it is so worth it.

It’s the hope that keeps you going and yeah I know most people will say it makes me a fool and that I should just walk away and move on. No one else will understand and that’s ok because I probably won’t understand their situation either.

I guess I just need to believe that fairy tales and movies can sometimes happen in real life, maybe that’s what gets me through the day, whether you agree with me or not.

See what you think…

It’s Always Been Her: Why You Should Love The Girl Who Waited For You

Love and Respect…

I was doing a Google search yesterday when I saw in the pre-emptive list ‘is respect the same thing as love’. It wasn’t what I was searching for but I was curious so I clicked it and decided to read the article.

Respect is more important than love

I found it really interesting. To me I always felt respect and love were closely related but not necessarily attached.

You can respect someone without loving them, but I don’t know if you can ever truly love someone you don’t respect.

But it made me think of the different types of love I feel, I would describe them as:

  • Family Love
  • Friend Love
  • Romantic Love
  • Idealistic Love
  • Materialistic Love
  • Love that is really like

Ok so family love is self-explanatory, it is the love you have for the people you were born into. They are your tribe and your connection to them comes from blood. You have an eternal connection to them, and would be there no matter what, if they needed you because of the blood tie between you.

Friend love is easy, they are the people who mean almost as much to you as your family but usually come and go through your life. You choose these people, some of them become so close to you that they become a part of your family.

Others are only ever a passing visitor in your life. But some will always be there in the background and although you don’t speak daily it doesn’t change your relationship at all, one day or a year could pass and it would still be as if you spoke yesterday. Those are the best sorts of friends.

Romantic love is harder to describe. One person can find in another, the person they searched their whole life for, and that person may not care a dot in return.

Unrequited romantic love is an awful feeling. Just because someone doesn’t love you back, it doesn’t change the way you feel about them and that is the cruellest part.

For the one who remains in love, can be in love for the rest of their life, knowing that person will never feel the same way. They usually end up going from one bad relationship to another, trying to make the best of the fact their heart belongs to someone they can’t have. It’s a sad way to live your life but you can’t always control how you feel, especially when the feelings are real.

Or the person you give your heart to, gives their heart to you in return and you live, blissfully happy making babies and sharing life together and you never have a bad word pass between you.

Romantic love is very all or nothing at times. Some people can be totally in love one day, only to wake up and find they no longer feel a thing for that person. They walk away without a second glance, never giving them another thought. But for the one who gets left behind that isn’t such a pleasant experience.

Idealistic love is when you become attached to the idea of something or someone. You can confuse the feelings of love for that person as being romantic love when in fact, you just love the idea of them, and not having to be alone.

Or you might love the idea of being a vegetarian, but in reality know you could never give up meat. Or it might be that you love someone because of their strong ideals and have respect and not really love for them because of that.

Materialistic love is when people try to buy love. You can’t by love, it isn’t sitting on a shop shelf or hiding online.

Love is something you feel in your heart and in your soul. If you find love in materialistic ideals then you will never be happy, because as soon as you purchase something it is outdated. You will constantly be buying the latest version or model of it to keep up.

True love doesn’t need to be chased, it doesn’t get outdated and need upgrades.

Love that is really like is when you say you love something but really you like it. It applies to places you’ve been, things you buy, famous people, cars etc. You say you love them but in actual fact you like them and love in that instance means like.

Love that is really like can also apply to relationships. Sometimes people say love to keep you around until they find a better replacement. Some people use the word love to meet their own selfish needs, and they never really learn the value of it because they are always afraid to let them self feel it.

People live a lot more for ‘short-term gain’ nowadays and love that is like is a short term thing. It means I love you today but tomorrow I might find someone more interesting and then I’ll be gone.

The exception to love that is really like is pie and mash. I’m a Londoner, I love pie and mash. I blame my Mum, it recently came out that when she was pregnant with me she went to get pie and mash with her cousin, so the story goes my Mum ate 3 pies and double mash.

Anyone who has had pie and mash knows this is some record, I can do 2 pies and single mash but no more. Apparently it only happened once so we drew the conclusion that the 3rd pie was really mine! I must have loved it before I was even born, either way I got the blame!

For a four letter word ‘LOVE’ can mean so much to so many different people in so many different ways. It can bring you happiness and unmeasurable pleasure or it can bring you misery and the worst sort of pain.

But what happens when you love one person in a family, friend, romantic and idealistic way? Because you can love someone in more ways than one. If you find that person and they feel the same then you really are lucky.

I met someone a few years ago and I thought I was in love, we’ll call him Version 1. Long story short he felt something for me, but had a girlfriend, he wanted me to tell him how I felt, but I wouldn’t make that call for him. I stayed silent and he chose her. We found friend love in the end, I message him from time to time and he always sounds happy to hear from me.

Then I met someone who showed me that what I felt for Version 1 was nothing. Version 2 was something else. I used to dream of a future with Version 1 where we would go places and do things but I never saw him as part of my family.

Version 2 was different, from quite early on I imagined him in all parts of my future. I imagined him as part of my family, as my friend, as my lover and as someone who I loved and respected for all the things he is and will be in the future.

His ideas on so many things were similar to mine and he made me challenge what I thought about things, not in an overpowering way, in a healthy discussion way.

Not everything was easy, we argued at times and rubbed each other up the wrong way but I felt a connection to him quite early on that I still feel today years later.

But Version 2 isn’t on the same page as me. He doesn’t love me, and right now he doesn’t want me in his life at all, not even as a friend.

But it didn’t change anything for me when he left, and there are times I wish it did. There are times I wished that I stopped caring when he did, so I wouldn’t have to feel like a part of me is missing, but then I wouldn’t have found that part without him.

So for those of us that meet the one we love in so many ways, who doesn’t love us back it becomes about learning how to cope. It isn’t easy, it’s something you have to work with every day. Some days you just have to cry and let all the pain out and others you have it under control.

When you meet someone who touches your heart, they never really leave you. They may never feel the same way about you, but it doesn’t change the way you feel about them, and that is why love is so important to life. Even when it hurts you would still rather have that than nothing at all.



Yesterday was a strange day for me. I spent all day writing my heart out explaining how I derailed my own happiness because I’d had a message from the guy saying he wasn’t ready to make me miserable. The person who brought sunshine into my life and helped me be happy actually thinks he makes me miserable, silly man!

My heart feels settled in hearing from him. It wasn’t the response I wanted. I was hoping enough time had passed for us to be able to talk again. To start with a clean slate and a Hi and see where that took us.

Five months is a long time to not speak to someone and life tends to change you so I figured we’d both have changed since we last spoke.

It was obvious that he cares about me and that was what settled things for me. That and hearing that he was ok and in a good place, I worry about him so that was good to hear.

So I was feeling all kinds of things and spent most of the day crying it all out. Maybe this will always be it, me missing him and wanting to talk to him and him distancing himself. I don’t know only time will tell. But for now I can do no more.

Then I spoke to my friend. I knew she was about to have a tough conversation with her partner the night before so while I was doing my final edits on my post I asked her what happened.

Her response shocked me so much I still can’t even take it all in. She met her, I don’t want to call him partner, so I’ll call him blob at about the same time that things were changing between me and my guy. It was nice we were both in the same place although the relationships were completely different, we could relate to certain aspects.

It was never plain sailing for her and blob. He lied to her from the start, he was married and by the time she found that out she was already falling in love with him.

They had a lot of good times together but he also hurt her a lot. I had to sit and listen to her give up so many times and help pick her up.

One day I had enough and I messaged blob to tell him to do the right thing. I told him he couldn’t keep hurting her like that and I wasn’t prepared to listen to her keep giving up so he could play some power trip on her. He ignored me and after what we found out yesterday it doesn’t surprise me.

You see he was never the person any of us thought he was. He lied from day one. A lot of us had a bad feeling about him and I tried to prepare my friend and challenge her thinking over him to get her to consider all the things that didn’t sit well with me. Sometimes she listened and other times she was blinded by her love for the guy, so I would back off.

At the end of the day I wasn’t there, I hadn’t met the guy and my friend loved him so as long as she was happy I was happy for her.

That was until she told me last night he had at least 13 other women on the go so adding in her and his wife that makes 15, (that we know of) when I heard that I just wanted to hurt the guy. Who the hell does he think he is treating people like that?

His big thing is how much he loves women well if that was true he wouldn’t treat 15 of them like they were an option all at the same time. If you love someone you give all of yourself to them, sure relationships have looser boundaries now that the internet has allowed everyone to cheat. But love is still love.

When you add into it the guy has health issues and looks like Shrek I’m really not sure what all these women see in him, he’s not even well endowed 😉

Not only that, he had told the other women some flat-out lies about my friend, a woman who had sacrificed so much of herself and her own happiness to continue to give this waste of space blob the things he wanted and keep his secret from his wife.

As much as I hurt for my friend over it all I could think of was how we could stop him for good. Stop him from contacting any other women and feeding them lies and selling them dreams he had no intention of delivering.

I was worried that he would pick on the wrong one, someone who didn’t have people who cared for them and he would end up ruining someone’s life.

Because I had a feeling that my friend wasn’t the first woman he’d screwed over, I mean she gave him a year and a half of her life that she could have spent finding a decent man.

I said to her if one of the other women had done something then maybe this wouldn’t have happened to you.

Then she told me he threatened to make her disappear if she outed him to his wife. Why the hell should she keep his secret?

If he had one shred of decency in his body or had one positive thought about his wife then he wouldn’t be talking to 14 other women and asking them to meet him and have relationships.

He gave my friend a timeline of when he was leaving his wife for her about this time last year, it was what made her hold on through all the fights. It was the dream she wanted with the man she loved.

This man doesn’t love his wife, he cheats on her constantly in mind and deed and she has a right to know.

I’m sorry but people like that deserve what comes to them and the only people I feel sorry for are the victims who fall for their lies. Because when it comes down to it we all want to find the person who makes us happy and promises us the world and when we do losing them will always be hard.

You can’t stop yourself from feeling how you feel about someone, you can choose to ignore it and not act upon it but you can’t stop how you feel. The more you deny yourself those feelings the stronger they get.

My friend fought so hard for her relationship, she gave him everything he asked for, even when he was acting like a child and not a man in his 40’s and she got royally shafted and she didn’t deserve that. To add-on top of his lies, he slandered her, threatened her and is still talking to those other women.

But it did give me an idea for a movie in the Sharknado vein and it cheered my friend up.

Giant Gingerbread Man v Cheating Asshole Men.

Giant Gingerbread Man has a penchant for using his big wooden spoon to turn lying cheating men (she wouldn’t let me do a cheating woman version, for a 2 movie syndicate) into human candy apples which he lines up outside their houses so that everyone knows they are lying cheats and can avoid getting hurt by them in the future.

I think it would appeal to a niche market but ultimately would make me rich!

I hate people who go around deliberately lying and cheating their way through life with no thought as to how their actions affect other people. They blow up people’s lives and walk away scot free to find their next victim with a clear conscience.

Life is hard enough without people actively going round trying to destroy other people’s lives. The world would be a much better place if more people thought about their actions.

Cheating is a choice, if you care about someone you don’t hurt them so if you meet someone new at least have the decency to tell them. Sure it still hurts but it hurts less than being lied to and finding out later.

That sort of behaviour changes people’s outlook on life. Once you get cheated on you carry that around with you, it makes you feel like you weren’t good enough and you suspect other people of lying to you and it gives you trust issues.

The way people are is often an indication of the battles they have already fought, we are all scarred in some way, some hide them better than others but we all have triggers.

If we were all nicer to each other then maybe there would be less hurt people out there and more people would find their ultimate happiness.

I know my friend is strong and won’t let this bring her down, she has good people around her and her life is starting a fresh next month with a new job she is excited about.

She’ll hurt for a while but she already realised that the person she loved never existed so she jumped many stages in recovering and that made me proud of her cause I was worried how it would affect her.

But for me I couldn’t help be feel even more settled that the guy I took a chance on was a real good one and that they do exist!

32 Game Changing Quotes About Life

I saw these quotes on Stumbleupon:


32 Game Changing Quotes About Life


I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?



They say you don’t get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don’t deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty spot causes excruciating pain. That’s why we run from distraction to distraction and from attachment to attachment.

Yasmin Mogahed


‘Dating’ Does Anyone Still Do It and Is There Any Point??

Every woman has a place in her heart reserved for the man she loved that didn’t love her back. Or so I’m told.

I’ve read books and seen movies that allude to this very fact. It’s sad really. We save a part of ourselves for someone who will never feel the same way about us.

Its times like these I wish I was a man. They have it all so easy. They just flick a switch and move on. Never giving the people they leave behind a second thought. Plenty more fish in the sea!

Then again if life was like the movies, one day they would realise how much they missed you, come running back and you’d live happily ever after, laughing about how you almost lost it all.

What happens when the only fish you find are the wrong ones?

What happens when your fish swam away without ever fully tasting the delights you had to offer? Ok enough of talking about fish.

I go in cycles of sitting moping about wishing I’d said or done things differently. Wishing I could just pick up the phone and say “Hey, this is silly. Let’s give it another try.” But there’s no point. So I snap myself out of it again for a time anyway.

Wine, soppy movies, drinks with friends, ‘blow shit up’ movies, flirting with other guys, none of it has helped. I still miss the one(s) that got away. In my case there were two guys I really wanted to make an effort with but never managed to make it happen.

I even made the mistake of looking up my ex’s on Facebook. They were such a long time ago, what was I expecting to happen? I did wind one of them up over his inability to down a pint in one of his photos and he remembered who I was so that was a plus!

The novelty of being groped by strange guys in bars and having them shove their tongue in my mouth whilst demanding I suck them off in the toilets has worn off for me.

I can’t be bothered to kiss any more frogs hoping they will miraculously turn into Prince Charming.

I can’t be sure but it seems like there are more frogs now than I remember when I was younger. God that makes me sound old. I just mean like 10… 5… years ago. Before app’s ruined the art of dating.

Do people even ‘date’ anymore? Isn’t it go on an app, find someone as horny as you are, have sex with them then move on to the next one?

I’m sick of seeing people being referred to as ‘thirsty’ when they show an interest in someone. Just because you want to get to know someone doesn’t automatically mean you want to sleep with them. It sounds ridiculous. Ok, now I do sound like a Grandma.

I can’t be the only single girl (slightly) over the age of 30 who is fed up with being messed around who can’t be bothered to try again. What’s the point?

All the cute guys in their 30’s who got their shit together are either married, engaged, in a long term relationship or gay. There is a reason why most of the rest are still single. The younger guys are only bothered up to a point and then reality sets in and they’ve had enough and move on.

I should have got laid more in my 20’s, and then I would have been over it all by now. Or maybe I’d have settled like everyone else, for someone I didn’t really love but who wasn’t a complete arsehole. Not that everyone settled, some people I know actually made it work with their fishes!

As for having kids, forget it. That was a beautiful dream while it lasted. Not that I’m currently desperate for kids and instantly wanting a family. I just saw myself as being a Mum one day. I already am a ‘second Mum’ so I have that at least. I’ve been reliably informed by my siblings that if they have kids they will become my responsibility, I’m in part hoping they are joking.

I always wanted to have twins. I grew up having set of twin’s in my friend groups and it always looked so cool to have someone go through everything with you. I’ve never told anyone that before.

When I left school someone wrote in my leaver’s book I will be the married working wife with 6 kids and immaculate hair that crosses the street to avoid the people I went to school with. They got the crossing the street bit right. I don’t have the patience for immaculate hair. Maybe if I did I’d have a husband by now? Is that really all it takes??

I have friends who are still dating. They haven’t yet lost faith in internet dating but the stories of their dates do nothing to convince me to give it another try.

On my friends last date she got tricked into going back to the guy’s house to charge his phone, then out of a sense of misguided nicety ended up giving him a blow job which then turned a bit rough and he didn’t even take her to dinner afterwards. Apparently they are now listed as ‘in a relationship’ and looking for a ‘threesome’ much to her bemusement. Classy guy!

I remember as a teenager at school being given a ‘master class’ on sex by the ‘experienced’ girl in our year while we all dutifully listened, slightly disgusted, in the gym locker room. She told us in no uncertain terms that if we were going to give blow jobs to at least make sure we got dinner first. “Don’t let yourself get taken for a mug.” Wise words.

Maybe it’s easy access to porn that killed off all the romance? Young guys don’t do the whole ‘dating’ thing now they want to skip straight to the ‘porn sex’ so we lose the art of romance and God forbid ‘making love’. Not that I like that phrase it just sounds better than ‘fucking’.

I’m not the only woman I know who only seems to attract much younger guys. The lure of the older woman is obviously attractive. But older woman are past the game playing stage and whilst we enjoy a bit of ‘fun’ as much as the next person we have grown out of the games.

I guess that level of maturity becomes scary after a while and some guys have no idea how to deal with it so they run away. It doesn’t help us though, tempting us with the promise of something exciting and leaving us to drown our sorrows in vats of wine until we build up the courage to try again.

We don’t all want non-existent dates precluding awful sex with a guy pretending he’s a porn star and making you feel awkward. Some of us want a little bit of romance in our lives before we allow someone the privilege of ‘getting to know us better’.

One of the most romantic things I ever heard of a guy doing was leaving a dress on the bed for his partner with a note saying what time to be ready as he had planned a surprise evening. Every guy should do this at least once in his life. It also works with sexy lingerie, but that’s another story.

Guys say the reason they aren’t gentlemen anymore is that there are no more ladies. A quick look around any town centre at chucking out time on a Saturday night and you start to see their point. But we aren’t all like that.

I’m starting to wonder if that’s the problem, men are happy with non-complicated sex and don’t see the point making the effort for anything else. Whilst women get fed up with that and eventually want something more in the way of stability with their fun causing the men to run!

A couple of my friends are in the same boat as me. We found people we liked and felt there was a connection we wanted to explore further only to find they ran away before we ever fully got the chance.

We sit and listen to men complaining how there are no good women out there and yet here we are beautiful, self sufficient women, willing to give guys a chance to see where things went and we still came up short. At least I’m not the only one who misses someone and likes to drink wine. Who am I kidding it’s mostly beer and Southern Comfort but wine sometimes.

So what’s the answer? Who the hell knows? I don’t. I can’t even convince myself I care anymore.

The more new people I meet the more I see that no-one knows what they are doing. Everyone is just bundling along the best they know how. Hoping that the next time they make the effort it will be worth it or adding it to the list of regrets if it isn’t.

I try to help the best I can, offering a sane perspective and sympathetic ear for the strange goings on in my friends love lives but the more I do the more I’m grateful it’s them and not me.

I’m not cut out for serial dating. I don’t see the point in investing time and effort in someone I don’t like as a friend first. The downside of course is when things go wrong you lose your friend too and that is doubly hard.

I love listening to friends dating stories but I couldn’t do it myself. I don’t have the endless confidence required for persistent rejection. It would destroy me.

I’m a romantic at heart. I still believe one day, probably when I least expect it, that’s usually when the best people came into my life, I will meet someone who changes my mind.

Until then, I’ll just have to continue to be single, alone, ‘on me ones’, or ‘catching up on TV’ as I like to call it. It could be worse; at least I’m not lonely, well not this week at least…

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I eat cheese, I run from zombies, and I do therapy