Tag Archives: Relationships

14 #YesAllWomen Tweets, Rape and Sex

I just came across this article on Stumble Upon and I thought I would share it because it deserves to get more reads.

http://http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1kmdWR/1S8hqo.Yf:qQwka-SV/thoughtcatalog.com/rob-fee/2014/05/14-yesallwomen-tweets-that-everyone-needs-to-see

Not all men set out to intimidate women but there are a lot of men, who don’t think twice about giving women unwanted attention.

It is a risk for women and young girls to be walking around at night or in secluded locations alone, which is why you should always let people know where you are going. If you arrive in a group, stay in your group and check everyone is together before going home.

I remember being about 14 or 15 walking to a friend’s house and a man pulling up alongside me in his car and asking me if I wanted a lift because he was ‘going my way’.

I also remember having to run home from the shops when I was with my baby brother in his pushchair one day as I became aware of a man following us. I was shaking with freight by the time I got home.

 

The internet in particular has given us so many more opportunities to access potential partners. I see a lot of men talking on the internet about women in terms of sexual conquests. With memes being passed around entitled ‘sliding into her DMs like’.

Yes its a bit of fun and a joke among your mates, women talk about men in a similar way but sometimes its nice to be seen and respected for your personality and not your physical attraction.

You might not be as sexy as that porn star they’ve been watching or the latest model taking her top off on the front cover of a magazine but you are more attainable and a person of value in your own right.

We don’t all want to be treated like a piece of meat at every available opportunity or to be graded as ‘fuckable but not dateable’, we do have feelings.

Every girl deserves to be treated well and not just ‘fucked’. If that’s all they want too then fine but how many times do girls get led on with the promise of more only to get dropped?

Men will always be ‘lads’ if they have multiple sexual partners it will always be accepted and in some ways encouraged.

If a women has had multiple sexual partners then she is a ‘slut’ or a ‘whore’ and men tend to treat her as such and she can be seen as fair game.

If you are nice to a girl you will increase the chances of her being nice back. Who knows you might find you like her rather than feeling the need to force her or make her feel uncomfortable.

If she isn’t interested then she isn’t interested. Just like if you don’t like a girl nothing they do will make you like them.

As for the part in the article where they talk about when it is ok to rape someone the only answer to that question is NEVER.

The fact it is even a question that needs to be asked is worrying because it means that parenting and education are failing to teach people the basics of human interaction.

As the article points out a man was uneasy at the unwanted attention he received from another man’s sexual advances but hadn’t thought how his own unwanted advances could have made a woman feel.

My response to any boy/ man I’ve ever encountered who thought rape was funny is always if someone did it to you would you still be laughing? Strangely enough they never find that funny.

It isn’t only women that get raped, men do too but are often too ashamed to admit to it because of the stigma around it.

Rape should be seen by society as an awful thing that has no place in the modern world. people who rape should be brought to account for their actions, just as anyone else committing a crime would be.

Victims of rape should be seen as just that whether they are men or women and treated appropriately and not told they were probably ‘asking for it’. No-one should be made to feel ashamed for being raped.

We need to educate young people on all the ways that sex can now be accessed so they can make sound decisions. We need to teach them that sharing pictures and videos of themselves on the internet comes with a risk even if you know the person you are sending them to.

We need to educate young people that the sex you see on the internet is not always what sex is like in real life. Not everyone has those boundaries and someone is not wrong or weird for not wanting to do some of the exploits that you see online.

We need to teach young people that in order to have fulfilling relationships and sexual relationships you need to trust your partner. No means no and you should never force someone to do anything they don’t want to do.

We need to teach young people that if you meet a woman in a club and she wants to dance with you that doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with you or you to grope her. Respect people’s personal boundaries.

We need to teach young people that there is no rush to become sexually active. Just because you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to be having sex.

Just because you call a girl your girlfriend doesn’t mean she has to have sex or suck your dick and it doesn’t matter if all the other girls are doing it, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.

Neither does it mean that because she doesn’t want to do it with you there is something wrong with her. She might not be ready or might not be in the mood and that is ok.

Sexual health is an important subject but due to many young people having a joking view of sex they aren’t taking the necessary precautions. As such there is a rise in sexually transmitted diseases.

It is important for everyone who is sexually active and especially with multiple partners to get themselves checked regularly for sexually transmitted diseases and above all to use protection.

If you have a sexually transmitted disease you have a responsibility to let a potential sexual partner know about it so they are aware of the risk. Don’t ever knowingly or willingly infect someone with a disease.

We could all use a healthier outlook on sex and relationships from time to time.

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Sunday

I’m sitting here writing this in the garden in the sun, which means I’m squinting to see the screen and my hayfever is making me sneeze. I brought a laptop so I could write in different places, get out of my room and away from the constraints of a desktop PC but so far it’s the first time I’ve ventured outside to use it.

I woke up really late today. I’ve been so unsettled for the last few weeks I can’t even remember the last time I fell soundly asleep or slept a whole night without being woken up by unsettling thoughts. Now things have finally ended and my soul needs to heal. But the downside of getting too much sleep is that you don’t feel like doing anything and that has been my day, in fact I considered not getting up at all but couldn’t be bothered to stay in bed.

I thought I would have a DVD and junk food day, but I got through one DVD and got bored. I thought I would do some cross stitch but my mind wouldn’t focus. I couldn’t even muster the energy to check in with my friends like I do most Sundays and don’t even get me started on the piles of ironing demanding attention, my usual Sunday chore.

The cat won’t leave me alone, he keeps knocking my leg for attention but I don’t even have the energy to play with him. I haven’t really had the energy to do much at all lately. Which just makes me feel guilty because I am surrounded by things that I have been putting off and work that needs my attention and there is no-one else to do it.

I’ve been feeling disconnected from my own life and that’s a weird thing to feel. So many things I once loved have lost their interest for me. I haven’t even enjoyed reading in a while, and books are my life. It might be that the book I’m currently reading is a struggle for me as it’s not keeping my interest in fact I’m hoping it doesn’t go deeper than that.

I’m surrounded by bird calls, various flying insects, dogs barking, kids playing, people barbecuing and cutting their lawns and I feel like I’m in a bubble with everything happening around me, I’m not contributing to any of it. In a way I am in a bubble and have been for a long time now.

I find it hard to trust people and let them in, I have ever since my problems at school. I let someone in and things ended badly and now I feel like I no longer want to be myself. The person I am doesn’t feel good enough and I have no energy left to try to be better and why should I? I thought I was a good person but seeing as people find me so hard to deal with I can’t help but wonder if I actually am as good as I think. After all, it can’t always be everyone elses fault that things don’t work out.

My brother asked me last night what was wrong with me as I’d hardly said a word, anyone who knows me knows this is a rare occurrence because talking isn’t usually a problem for me. I can usually find something to talk about with the anyone. But last night I had nothing to say.

I couldn’t even begin to find the words to tell him what had happened and how I felt and I didn’t have the energy to try. So I sat in silence staring into the distance watching two men punch each other for money. I should point out I was at the Froch v Groves Match not just randomly watching men fight. I’ll write my review of that experience later.

To borrow the words of Sheryl Crowe ‘I feel like a stranger in my own life’ and I don’t really know where to start to change it. I can’t really see the point in trying to change it only to end up getting hurt again. I have a few paths that are opening up and I should be excited and I should be focussing on that but I’ve lost my enthusiasm for them before they have even started.

When one door closes another door opens or so they say, but what does that mean?

What if the door that just opened is worse than the door that just closed? What if the hurt I closed behind the door was only a fraction of the hurt that lies behind the door that just opened? Can I just stay in the lobby between doors because right now this feels like the safest place to be?

I can’t give up, crawl under a rock and stay there. I have a life. It’s not the life I chose or the life I wanted but it is my life. There are some wonderful parts of it that I wouldn’t change, but they have been getting a watered down version of me for a while now whilst I was focussing my time and effort on a friendship that in the end I couldn’t save.

A part of me knew it needed to end, that’s why I forced the hand, I realised I would never be understood. I know in my heart I did all I could to prove the friendship was worth the effort, and just saying that I realise how wrong that is.  It taught me that no matter what you do if someone doesn’t want to understand you they just wont, no matter how many times you explain they have the wrong idea. If someone chooses to ignore the problems in your relationship even though they know it will hurt you when all they need to do is talk to you then that’s when you have to walk away.

If the friendship was meant to work out it would have, all I know is I never want to end up here again.

That chapter of my life has closed, it wasn’t meant to end the way it did, I have regrets and there is hurt, maybe it’s the writer in me struggling with the bad ending. In real life there is no cut and paste, people have feelings and they get hurt. Sometimes that hurt becomes the making of them. Sometimes it chips another piece away from an already damaged soul. All I did was damage my soul.

If it were one of my stories I could have crafted the ending. I could have saved the day. I could have stopped myself from getting hurt, been understood and the friendship would have taken on a stronger direction, ultimately achieving the happiness I always thought I would find. I could even have crafted an ending where there was no hurt and instead the people drifted apart and found new people but I’m not always so optimistic in my writing.

I’m used to having a damaged soul so I’ll be fine. I’ll just pull up my walls and stop people from getting in again. When you experience the worst possible hurt you can at such a young age it becomes a familiar feeling. The older I get the more hurt I experience in all different ways, it’s the sad part about growing up. Your life becomes a series of experiences to learn from and not all of them end up putting a smile on your face.

All of the experiences you go through shape you into the person you are and as such not all of them will leave you with a positive outcome. Experience tells you one unshaken fact, you will wake up tomorrow and you will have to carry on. If I can wake up the day after losing my baby brother and carry on and eventually find a way to laugh again I can get over the hurt I feel now, because it doesn’t even come close.

Nothing will ever come close to being 7 years old and having to hold your family together, I truly wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It taught me to hide my feelings from others so that I could make life easier for them. It taught me to put other people’s needs before my own and I do this even now. I went through a course of therapy earlier in the year without the people I live with even realising I was depressed and in need of help. I relied on friends to support me through it instead and I’m grateful to every single one of them for their help.

No-one wants to listen to someone bleat on about having a broken heart or a damaged soul, so I apologise and promise to be more upbeat in the future, even if that means I fake it. Especially not when you could be listening to the birdsong in the sun.

If anyone has the number to call the Men in Black to erase my memory allowing me to forget, can you drop me a line, thanks ever so! I’m fairly sure once I forget what happened I’ll be able to find something close to peace again, I’m sure my friend already has.

I’ve just realised that our outside chairs are uncomfortable and I’m craving the comfort of my big leather writing chair and my desk. Even if that means I don’t get to listen to the bird call and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Maybe I’m not cut out to be the kind of writer who ventures out with my laptop capturing my mood as I travel. I might stick to a notebook and pen in future.

Something To Remember…

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The above graphic is very true.

You will have all sorts of relationships in your life and many people will come and go.

Remember to hold onto the ones who make an effort to care because those are the people you will miss one day.

Say yes to random offers sometimes, even if you don’t think you’ll like it you may just find it was the best decision you ever made!

Take a chance on someone because they may just be someone you’ll be glad you made an effort for one day.

Be nice to people and value their feelings as much as you do your own.

Don’t cause people pain if you can avoid it.

Don’t pretend things are ok when they aren’t, you aren’t helping the situation and someone will always get hurt.

Take the time to talk through your problems, your relationship will be stronger if you do and you’ll save time in the long run.

You won’t always be right, own your mistakes, don’t project your anger onto someone else and make them the fall guy when you don’t want to accept your actions.

No-one is perfect, no matter how much you think you are.

When you realise no-one is perfect and we all have faults you can appreciate the good qualities in your friends and learn to make allowances for the bad. Don’t kid yourself that they aren’t making allowances for yours!

Don’t waste your time and effort on people who show themselves to be unworthy, try to find the people who will appreciate you instead.

Don’t judge people, try to understand them, listen to them and learn about their journey, you don’t know what secrets they hold that may help you one day.

Remember that sometimes the most amazing and long-lasting relationships develop out of a strong friendship. Love is complicated and comes in many forms and sometimes you find it in the place you least expected.

Remember lust wears off over time, when you find love in a friend you will always have someone to share your life with.

If the lust wears off and you realise you have nothing left between you let go, it will be painful but its better than holding on and making each other bitter. Choose happiness!

We are all a little bit messed up, some more than others and some people are just better at hiding it.

We will all need help one day.

We will all have times in our life when we require patience from the people around us.

Don’t close the door on someone today you might need in the future because you gave up. You may never find anyone like them again. If you do your life will be that much better for having even more great people in it. That’s a win – win!

You will never regret holding on to a great friend.

True friendship is about quality and not quantity, true friendship lasts a lifetime, forgives all mistakes and pain it causes along the way because a true friend might get tired of your bullshit and need a break from time to time but they never forget the good stuff.

Be nice to people, it’s really not that hard and you never know what that person might give you in return.

If you  meet someone you can’t be nice to, leave them alone, don’t waste your time and energy on making their life a misery, you have no idea what they are dealing with.

If someone is important to you tell them, they may not feel exactly the same way about you, they don’t have to, they should respect your feelings enough to be honest and not take advantage of you.

You never know when you might have your last conversation with someone so never leave anything important unsaid because regret lasts a lifetime.

Who wouldn’t want to hear someone tell them they are a positive part of their life and they are glad to have them around?

Be the best person you can be every day and treat people how you want to be treated, if nothing else you’ll sleep better at night!

Relationship Perceptions

I realise you can’t control how people choose to see you, but it would be nice sometimes if you could. My overactive mind replays my mistakes and tortures me with them until I get closure; but in the real world you don’t get closure and I struggle to accept that.

Everyone has their own agenda in life. For some people you will only ever be a temporary stop point on their journey to bigger and better people and things and when they choose to leave you behind there is nothing you can do about it.

I have been treated badly by enough people to know what I consider to be an appropriate way to treat others, namely how I would like to be treated. Yet I still find I get hurt by the people I trust, which really isn’t healthy for me.

I confess I can at times be a difficult person to be around. There is a darkness in me that occasionally rears its head and brings with it a need for understanding that can be tiresome and frustrating.  I don’t do it on purpose and it doesn’t happen that often.

On the flip side I am smart, funny, helpful, loving, spontaneous, willing to learn and try new things and generally a good person to have around or a ‘goofball’ as one friend delights in calling me (you know who you are :p). Even if I do say so myself!

I appreciate people require a lot of patience with me at times to achieve the best from our relationship and not everyone will have the time or continued inclination to offer that.

Nothing hurts me more than someone no longer seeing the value in me as a friend and instead seeing what suits their purpose. By which I mean taking words, actions and intentions and twisting them to their purpose making it easier for them to walk away.

Their patience run out, they stopped making allowances for the things that annoy them about you or maybe the bad outweighed the good. Only they can tell you that.

You realise they never understood the real you and there is nothing you can say or do that will make them see it.

You know the relationship you had is gone and things will never be the same between you again. In your confusion and grief all you can do is work out your next move.

Do you settle for a lesser relationship knowing how good things were in the past or do you walk away entirely, forcing yourself never to look back or wonder how they are?

You consider whether your mind played tricks on you all along and if the friendship you thought you shared was ever really there. (Or maybe you just listened to Dust Clears by Clean Bandit one too many times! Bit of a niche reference that one.)

You question whether you can trust anything that was said or happened between you but refuse to believe the good times from your past were all a lie.

When someone hurts you it is always hard to forgive them and move forward. You either agree to let everything die, grieve your loss and go your separate ways or you agree to put it all in the past and move forward together.

Moving forward whilst letting go of past hurts takes courage, a renewed understanding and forgiveness. If the relationship and the person is worth the effort then things can work out for the best.

You become closer, the trust deepens between you and you turn a corner towards happiness again but only if you both put in the effort. All relationships require an effort to survive.

Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.

When you forgave, trusted and thought you understood someone only for them to hurt you again how do you even begin to recover?

It takes a very brave or incredibly foolish person to still want to see the good in someone after they hurt you more than once. You might give them that third and final chance to be the person you always believed them to be, your true friend or the person you fell in love with but you know the person you offer them in return isn’t the same.

You know that they don’t have all of you open to them anymore. That their words and actions will always be received with a memory of the hurt they caused. You wonder if they care that they aren’t getting your whole but you carry on in hope of better times ahead.

A lot of people wouldn’t give a second chance and will be unable to understand why anyone would offer a third chance, because in some way by giving that chance you are facilitating your own pain, but in time you learn to see past the hurt and begin to heal.

If the other person puts in the effort you slowly forget until you either create a lasting relationship together proving you were right to fight or you get hurt and walk away forever without even looking over your shoulder, free from guilt and knowing you gave it your best shot.

After the second time you get hurt by someone you can never really get hurt by them again and walking away becomes easier.

Once you’ve been hurt twice you never fully believe anything they say so the words don’t sink so deep. A part of you will always believe they have one foot out the door so you prepare yourself for their leaving.

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be the one who hurt someone I said I cared for and walked away. I genuinely don’t think I could do it. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt, I would rather find an amicable ending.

But I do wonder…

Do they ever think about the person they hurt? If so do they think about the good times and smile or do they think about the ending and laugh?

Do they ever feel guilty that someone cared for them and spent time and effort on them only to have it thrown back in their face?

Why did they do it?

Did they mean to hurt the person, do they care that they hurt them or did they do it deliberately because they knew they could?

Did they genuinely give that person their best shot or was it just a case of liking having that person around when it suited them or everyone else was busy and they never really cared because it was all just an act?

Did they really mean what they said when they apologised or was it just lip service so they could hang on to the good thing they had?

Did they suddenly realise that the good person they had wasn’t as attractive a prospect as the younger, sexier person they just met or hoped to meet? Maybe they weren’t ready for giving up playing the field in order to give the good person what they deserved? Maybe they got scared?

But mostly I wonder if they ever wished they did things differently. If they ever realise what they let go and wish they could fix things but didn’t know how. If they ever think about that person, pick their phone up to call and but don’t have the words. Do they keep the photos and messages and look back over them and wish things could be like that again?

I doubt I’ll ever know because if someone is selfish enough to put their needs before the need to do good-by someone else they are probably immune to the hurt they cause and are unlikely to see any wrong in their actions. They are more likely to believe that they are the wronged party themselves, as it is easier to blame someone elses faults than admit to your own.

I’ve had friends come and go in my life and all sorts of relationships end and you don’t always know why. Some have a clear ending, others come to a natural end as you grow apart but sometimes they end without warning when you thought things were going well and that is always confusing.

I’m at an age where I value friendship above all else.  I know the value of having people to call on when you need them because I realise we all need someone to call who we can rely on.

I envy those that can afford to let people leave their life without a second thought, as I know the older you get the harder it is to meet people you make lasting connections with.

With experience you learn the qualities to look for in other people and realise that sometimes those qualities will be found in a variety of people rather than all in one person because you understand and accept that no-one is perfect. Everyone has baggage, life isn’t always kind to people and even the most confident person is hiding a scar they are trying to heal.

The people who are worth your effort will be the ones who ask little of you but offer you something unconditionally in return. Not just someone who pays you lip service on your achievements but secretly resents you for moving forward.

Someone who sees you at your worst and says it’s ok because one day you might see me at my worst and I know you’ll be able to cope. It really is true that the people who deserve your best are the ones who are also there for you at your worst because you don’t stay with someone at their lowest without seeing the best in them.

Someone who appreciates your effort and offers you in return as much as they can when they can because you both realise that life can be complicated but its the small things that count. Like sending someone a message to say your busy the next few weeks but want to arrange to catch up, even though it make take a while for you to arrange it you know eventually you always will.

Adult relationships are easily complicated by life and you often end up categorising your friend circles. By which I mean you have different friend groups who satisfy different needs and provide you with different support networks, university friends, football friends, drinking friends, girls nights out friends, mum’s/ dad’s from playgroup you get what I mean.

Often the people from the different circles never meet but all exist in their group struggling for time in your diary. If you do ever have a cross group meeting of friends it can often be a strange situation for all involved. I’ve been involved in a few of those and you find people end up staying in the group where they feel safe, unless you have really outgoing or pushy friends!

Then there are the friends who are there no matter what. The ones you call at one in the morning when you’re struggling to finish a project for work the next day and need to hear another persons voice to pick you up.  The friends you don’t have to see from one week, month, year to the next but know with one phone call it will be like you saw them yesterday.

Some of the friends I left behind I regret losing touch with but most showed they didn’t deserve a place in my life. Some of those I regret losing touch with I have tried to reconnect with due to the wonders of Facebook but you can never get back what you had once years have passed. We share a vague hello every now and again to acknowledge what we once were and that’s enough.

I don’t need people reassuring me I’m a good person, all the bad stuff that has happened to me in my life has shown me I am. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be here dealing with my demons everyday, they would have won years ago.

All I ask in return for my friendship is for you to value my efforts enough to not hurt me, to put in what effort you can, when you can to show I mean something to you. I put a lot of time and energy into my relationships with others and I really don’t ask for a lot in return.

I appreciate how complicated life can be and how you only ever seem to get more balls thrown in your court, and not everyone has as much spare time as me. Which is why messaging me first once in a while to show you were thinking about me will always go a long way 😉

 

Do We Give Too Much Of Ourselves To The Digital World?

It’s an idea I have been struggling with for a while. I have a love/ hate relationship with the internet and digital media.

I spend a bit of time on social media sites and the more time I spend on there the more I wish I didn’t. Yet I find it hard to control the curious need it has over me.

When you are out and find yourself waiting it’s too easy to check in and see what people are doing to fill the time. I even deleted the apps off my phone to stop myself but found standing around watching people using their phone made me put them back again.

Of an evening I tend to check in a couple of times while I’m watching TV to see if anyone is as bored as I am and wants to chat. I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

I want the internet to be a nice safe place where I can meet and talk to nice people and never see the bad side but it just isn’t like that. I log on and see people abusing each other, people send you unwanted messages, you get caught up in situations you should have avoided and interact with people who are not always what they seem.

I’m a naive person, I choose to believe when people talk to me they are telling the truth. I am an open person and freely offer myself to others so that they know they can trust me.

I’m the kind of person who would help anyone to the best of my abilities if they asked me to and offer help even when they don’t. I have helped people or so I thought.

I’m not sure I trust myself in the digital world anymore. The internet can be a dark place full of people looking for weak and naive people to exploit and use to their own ends. I just find that a sad abuse of what the internet should be.

My Mum asked me yesterday why I use Twitter as it seemed to her to be full of horrible people. She had read an article about cyber bullying and has cautioned me in the past to be very careful of who I interact with, which I just laughed off.

Twitter for me has always been a place to find people who have the same interests as me to chat to. I get lonely sometimes and there is always someone online to talk with (my friends are all married with kids so its hard to find chat time with them).

I have met some nice people on social media who I’ve had a lot of fun with and learned things from. I’ve always been selective of the people I follow for that reason, I didn’t want to introduce horrible or negative people into my life.

I’ve met people who have nonetheless had a negative influence on me. I’ve allowed myself to be caught up in situations I should have been more wary of. I’ve ended up getting hurt and questioning whether I should even continue with social media.

But I followed those people, I allowed whatever happened to happen. I partook in it freely if not somewhat naively. But now I worry that what has happened will come back and bite me. That I will become a victim of the dark side of the internet.

The side where people take things that were said and information that was shared and share it with the world. It’s not hard to do, in a moment you can ruin someones life with a few misplaced words or a simple document upload and that scares me.

I have never and would never set out to hurt or ruin another persons life. I have spent my life looking after people. Making sure they know in me they have a person they can come to whenever they need someone whether it be someone to talk to, someone to help or just someone to be silly with for a while.

To help and support others to achieve their potential by offering your time and expertise when needed is what life should be about. People helping each other to make all our lives better. That’s how I want to live my life, that’s what I believe in.

I put other people’s needs in front of my own, think about other people before myself and want to be there for people whether they need me or not.

I’ve been told I’m suffocating and my misguided attempt to be a good  and supportive friend has actually made things worse and not better. Being a self-deprecating person I immediately fell apart and began to mistrust myself. I find it so easy to get lost in the parts of myself I hate that I forget about my good parts. When someone highlights something bad in me I immediately believe it and tear myself apart over it. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.

I let myself forget that all I ever wanted to be was a friend to that person like I am to so many others and instead of just walking away I let them tear me down. I let them make me believe I am a horrible person. I let them make me question my actions and hurt myself and I don’t know why.

I know plenty of people who love me just the way I am, considerable faults and all. People who appreciate the fact that I put in the effort to be there for them when others wouldn’t. That I would stop what I was doing to help them if they needed it. That I support them in their decisions and cheer them on in their achievements. That I act the fool for them when they need cheering up. That I take the time to tell them when I’m thinking about them. That I don’t judge them but always try to understand their point of view.

I take more pride in being able to help and watch the people I love and care about achieve their potential than I do in my own successes.

I pride myself in being a person that people can go to when they need someone. I don’t ever want to feel like I let someone down because I wasn’t there when they needed me.

I just wish more people were like me and considered other people’s feelings before their own because I believe the world would be a much better place.

I can’t help but feel the digital world we are creating around us negatively impacts on the good intentions of people like me. I use various apps for interacting with people. But all of them can be open to abuse. You can never guarantee the other persons actions will be as honorable as your own.

When things go wrong and it becomes time to move on from people you interacted with you can only hope that you will be respected enough to not be exposed on the internet. People grow apart and find they are heading in different directions. It isn’t always easy to accept and sometimes it hurts and you grieve but it is a part of life we all have to deal with.

It is rare for someone to want to attack you when this happens but on the internet it happens more than it should. We have all read a story where someone ended a relationship to find photos and videos of them being plastered all over the internet.

I can only imagine how hurtful that must be. Especially now that employers are scouring the internet to find information about their employees. It is very hard to undo the damage it creates once the information is in the public domain.

I learned a valuable lesson, a lot later than I should, don’t share too much of yourself. Don’t give anyone power over you. Don’t share anything you could regret later.

The truth is you can never know who you are talking to. Just because I am open and honest it doesn’t mean that everyone else is. People tell you whatever they want to achieve what they want at any given time and all you can do is hope that the information is real and that their actions are honorable. But the simple fact is not everyone’s are.

Let’s face it, we have all been caught in a digital situation where something wasn’t right. Whether you found out the person you were talking to wasn’t who they say they are, something someone said was taken out of context and caused you offence, you purchased something that didn’t exist, whatever it is.

The internet allows people to abuse it, when if used responsibly, it should be a good thing. It is too easy for people to con and be conned. There really should be a way of making it safer and to deter unscrupulous people from finding innocent victims, but it is hard to legislate something so widely used with content generating in so many different countries. We all have to protect ourselves and the people we care about to the best of our abilities.

Apps are being created all the time to allow people to connect with each other, most are designed to promote casual hook ups and can end up with people getting into dangerous situations. The fact this becomes an issue should negate the need for people to create the Apps in the first place in my eyes.

Apps store information about us. The internet stores information about us. That information is insecure, it can and has at times been hacked. Anything from telephone numbers, addresses, credit card details, online contact details, photo’s, conversations, videos, content you view online and the items you purchase all leaves a digital trail for the knowing to find. If they can find it, they can exploit it and they can attack you.

I can honestly say in the heat of the moment I shared more than I should have. In hindsight there are things that I regret but I shared things with people I trusted and hope that trust is enough to not become one of the victims.

I do know that from now on I will be much more guarded. I will protect myself as much as I can and I will be a lot less trusting of others. I will be more careful who I choose to interact with and where I choose to interact with them.

If you can’t appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer then you don’t deserve my unconditional loyalty, support, friendship and trust.

 

I won’t let people negatively influence who I am anymore because in truth for the most part I’m proud of who I am and anyone who really knows me knows how hard it is for me to say that.

Why You’re Still Single

I just read this article on Huffington Post and it seems to make some sense so I thought I’d share.

Why You’re Still Single

People are always quick to blame others when their relationships don’t work out but the truth is any relationship needs two people to put in effort to make it work. If one side is giving more time and effort than the other it will only cause problems in the long run.

Watching Sol Bernstein last night his parting statement really did hit home ‘the greatest gift you can give another person is your time’.  It is so true. You never regret the moments you spent with the people you like, love and care about.

I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself lately to be a more rounded person. I still have work to do. I hope one day when I do meet someone I care for the work and effort I put in now will make all the difference.

10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression

I saw this listed on another site and I thought I would share. Although my depression didn’t take me to all the places listed I did experience some of the symptoms.

Showing Love to Someone With Depression

It is hard to feel yourself losing your balance and the darkness taking you over. I have been on the other side of depression on occasion too but if you have never experienced depression for yourself it will be hard to know the best thing to do when almost everything you try will seem to make things worse.

Even when it seems like you are making things worse you probably aren’t. It can take a lot of reassurance to get through all the layers and bring the person you know back. One of the main things is to be there because the biggest fear is that you will stop trying and leave.

No-one ever wants to feel depressed, you battle the symptoms when they start and you don’t always win. When you feel yourself slipping the frustration of not being in control can make things worsen quickly.

Depression will try your patience and take away for a time the person you know. If you want to help that person come back remind them of who they are to you. It may take time and a whole lot of patience but then if they weren’t worth the effort you wouldn’t have stayed around in the first place.

But why wait until they are depressed to tell them what you mean to them? Telling people how you feel is seen as a weakness but I see it as a strength.

When you like someone there are a million and one things you notice about them, things they may not even realise they do. Things that are important to you. The way they smile when they are reading, the way they say your name, the way their eye’s light up when they see you, the look on their face when they are concentrating – whatever it is. Tell them.

People are quick to pick up on your faults. Especially in an argument. Maybe if you spend more time saying “I love it when you do that” and talking about the small things then we would all be happier.

Do You Ever….

Do you ever just feel so lost that all you want to do is take out a blank page and write down everything thats pissing you off with the world?

It was my coping mechanism through my teenage years. Every time something got to me I would write it all down, usually in floods of tears, until it stopped hurting. I never read back anything I wrote, in fact I burned some of it for the release. Most ended up torn to shreds and thrown away.

The act of writing out your problems is the key. I always found reading them back a strange experience and far too painful to deal with. So the best thing to do was just throw them away.

In some ways this blog became my blank page. I’ve written about some personal things in an attempt to show I’m just as messed up (if not more) than everyone else out there.

I didn’t want my blog to just be a showcase of articles and stories I’d written looking for validation. Searching for your validation in others is a wasted journey. I write for me in the hope that I find at least one other person who will enjoy what I wrote.

It’s certainly no secret that I struggle to deal with my emotions. Lately I’ve been all over the place and had I not completed the CBT course I’m sure the depression would have got me by now.

I keep being haunted by something someone said to me. When I was fighting with a friend, someone told me they would make things right and when they had they would leave. We made things right and now I think the second part came true, we don’t talk anymore.

I don’t understand, when things were bad I get my friend didn’t want anything to do with me, I made mistakes and owned them. We fixed things, I got my friend back and now when I really need my friends to keep me going they aren’t around anymore.

I hate it when people leave and I get left behind wondering if I’ll ever see or talk to them again. I often think back to things that made me happy and want to share that with the people who were there. It’s usually a good excuse to pick up the phone or send a message and re-connect.

I’ve never been good at saying goodbye. The people I left behind I didn’t care enough to say goodbye to and the rest I never wanted to have to say goodbye. But I don’t get to choose.

Sometimes people just walk away, and you never get a reason why. I guess for them you ran your course and no matter how hard you try things will never be the same again. The hard part is stopping yourself from wanting to talk to them.

So today I think I’ll find a blank piece of paper and write…

Fall In Love

I just found this on another website, the person who posted it didn’t know the origin of the quote but like me decided to share it:

“ Fall in love with someone who wants you, who waits for you. who understands you even in the madness; someone who helps you, and guides you, someone who is your support, your hope. fall in love with someone who talks with you after a fight. Fall in love with someone who misses you and wants to be with you. Do not fall in love only with a body or with a face; or with the idea of being in love”

 

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

My friend once said to me whilst I was in a particularly low moment of ‘what is wrong with me, why doesn’t he like me’ the heart wants what the heart wants and we can’t always control it.  She was right.

I never expected a year ago to be the person I am now. I never expected to experience something so wonderful. I never expected to get to know someone and learn things about them that made me feel the way I did. I never expected any of it, but I let it all happen and I only regret the things that caused pain.

Things changed because of a photo. A friend I had been talking to for a long time, who I’d started to develop a curiosity for ended up becoming more because I posted a photo of myself.

In truth the silly message that went with it wasn’t the reason I posted it. I posted the photo because up until that point my friend had no idea what I looked like and I was ready to share myself. At that point I had no idea of the events that would follow and when things did happen I was taken by surprise and wasn’t prepared for it.

Now I’m stuck in no mans land. The connection we once had feels like its leaving. I’m scared that I’ll never have that friendship again because I couldn’t control what my heart wanted and my mistakes will never been forgiven.  In truth if I had never been curious in the beginning then none of it would have happened and I wouldn’t be the person I am now.

It’s hard to go from talking to someone all the time to barely talking at all. When the little things you find out about someone mean the most and you can’t wait to see what else they will share with you.

I read on twitter ‘when you fall in love with someone’s personality, everything about that person becomes beautiful.’ That has always been the case for me.

Anyone I ever had feelings for had been a friend first, I’ve never been instantly attracted to someone. I always felt if you can be friends with someone before you become more you build a foundation that will last. Life is hard and you need people around you who can help steady the ship when the waves come crashing.

So I sit and wonder if I’ll ever get that back again or how much longer my heart will miss what I once had. I think a part of me will always want to have him around, but it has never been my choice for him to stay.

Sometimes you will be the one who cares more, sometimes you will be the one who walks away. When you’re the one who gets left behind its hard not to wonder what you did wrong, why one minute they want you and the next they are ignoring your calls. I don’t regret being the one who cared more, I just wish I understood more.

Being an emotional person is hard. I blog to try to understand. In writing I process my thoughts and it helps to stop the ideas from going round my mind. I hate not knowing the answers but have the questions running round my mind. Sometimes even an answer you don’t want to hear is better than a question unasked.

‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ Well great, thanks for that! I mean if I never hear from the guy again or if he decides he doesn’t want me around what I’m really going to want is to miss him more!

What would really be nice is a reset button you can press that stops you from missing the person at all. That stops your mind from going over everything like a washing machine on spin, trying to make sense of what you did wrong.

‘Maybe go for someone next time you can have.’ Again thanks for that. I didn’t want to feel what I did but I don’t regret it. I didn’t know I would never have him when I started. But it wasn’t wrong to want it, to embrace what was happening and try to go with the flow.

All relationships are a leap of faith that you will end up on the same page. It seems nowadays that most people lie and mislead others when they first start out getting to know each other so even if I do get over this guy there is nothing to say I won’t have the same thing happen again.

‘There are plenty more fish in the sea.’ Yeah, maybe but I’m a really bad fisherman! I found someone in my 30’s for the first time that made me feel special when most people find that in their 20’s. By those timescales I’ll be in my 40’s before I find someone else that makes me feel happy.

Sure there were guys who were interested in ‘hooking up’ in the last year, feeding off the confidence and openness that I had developed with my friend. But I didn’t feel anything for them and I can’t give myself to someone I don’t feel anything for. I don’t understand the need to sleep with random people you never see or hear from again. I’m not judging people who do it, it’s just not me.

I waited to find someone who I wanted to be with, who made me laugh, made me feel safe and even if it was an illusion of my own creation made me feel loved. That didn’t happen over night and just as I didn’t feel it overnight I can’t turn it off overnight either.

I am trying to let go. I have no idea what will happen in the future or where I stand now but distance and space dictate that letting go is probably a good idea. I can’t help but wonder but for now the questions will remain unasked.

Maybe they are right and it is ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’

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